in deep trouble after mil's visit

Sandhya,

I don't know you have this in your aras or not.But I beleive in lot of palces there was yoga or spiritual camp for 2-3 days.Find out you have that camp in your palce.I belevie they accomadate the whole family.
If your husband is not interested,leave your daugther with him and attend that camp.That will give to stay away from home sometime and give mental peace.
Ask him to go alone and you go to your friends place for week end.I beleive sometimes couple needs the break.
Basically lot of men who lives in US acting strange with paretns just because they are missing them for living far away and they try accomodate all there demends.So couple needs break too.Find something you can do by yourself.

 

Good opportunity.Tell him you will put up with the show if he goes to counsellor.
Look for http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/15595-help-establish-global-helpline-il.html

And find good counsellors in your area.If they are women's org then you don't have to pay even.

So go to the party and outing if he promises to go to counselling.If he goes back on his words later then there are more parties and you will just not go.

Remember you need to tell a few women whats going on and all will know.They will be hush hush in front of you but they will know.

Its better if ppl know.

FL

 

Sandu,
I'll share a similar story with you.. It is my cousin's stoyy.. She too is a brilliant girl and husband - a mama's boy.. MIL -a dramatic psychopath, can go out of her way to create trouble to my cousin..
My cousin was working.. They both were living with in-laws.. From the beginnig things didn't get on well with them, somehow she put up for one year.. After that things got worse, every alternate day a high emotional drama at home.. She too was forced to hand over her income to in-laws.. Husband was already crediting his income in his dad's account..

One day, she took a serious call and told him that she would separate (not divorce, just moving out of the house).. She went and joined her parents (in the same city) and continued with the job.. In her parents home she found much solace and also got some promotions at work.. Initial days of separation, her in-laws hurled abuse at her parents for keeping their daughter at home.. But they chose to ignore them and blocked their ph nos.

Just a few days after their separation, cousin's BIL got married.. Cousin's relation had soured with them and didnt go for their wedding.. But in the mean time, BIL had learnt his lessons, looking at how his bro's wife got treated.. her BIL and co-sis, started behaving very indifferently towards her in-laws.. Co-sis was head strong, she treated her MIL like a door mat, but also treated my cousin's husband like a doormat..
Her MIL and her husband were literally treated like doormats by her BIL and co-sis..
Then they both realised my cousin's worth and her husband apologized to her.. But my cousin was clear that she would join him back only if agrees to cut out his mom's interference..

Once his mom's interference was cut out, they both worked on their relation and they both are happy couple today.. As of today, they live separately and once a month meet their in-laws.. They are in good terms now..

So i think, some kind of temporary separation should help your husband understand your worth.. That also would induce a kind of urge in him to get his family (you and the child) back.. I doubt if he even knows what divorce actually means!!..

 

Sandu

Your husband would surely talk to his parents about what all you spoke or suggested to him...i.e counselling etc...and his parents response would be..she is not the right girl for you..she is the mad one who needs treatment. She is arrogant blah blah blah...and now she calls you sick and asks you to go to a counsellor???? so think what would be your husbands response to all this from his parents side...and how he would react to you??

So again....unless he cooperates in anything...this cant be fixed.

 

Bingo. I couldn't have said it better. SriVidya is SO right on this one. That is EXACTLY what his parents are going to say when he parrots back what you've said to him. They will NEVER lose the chance to rile your husband up, and he is like a ready and waiting puppet for them to control. Whenever they feel like creating havoc in you house, all they have to do is start the drama with your husband and it will happen.

Sandu, I really wish you would understand what SriVidya is saying. As you know, my inlaws are extremely abusive and crazy too (just like yours), and for a while, so was my husband. But he desperately wanted to change his ways and save our marriage... he was willing to do anything, even challenge his long held beliefs about his parents and their negative role in our life. ONLY because of HIS determination to change was our marriage saved. I had nothing to do with his change... it came from INSIDE him. Yes, I walked out a couple of times and fought for my rights to shake him up and make him see that I was suffering, but in the end it was HIS decision to change.

Why I'm telling you this Sandu, is because if that inner strength in your husband isn't there... he will NEVER change. YOU can't make him change, just like I couldn't make my husband change. They have to want it for themselves. Another reason why I think he will not improve.... if he doesn't have love for his own sweet child, then how could he ever have love for you? Any man who could surround his child in an abusive environment and let his parents turn his little kid's house upside down, does not fully love his child. A TRUE DAD protects his kid from the world's troubles, not invite it in.

Yes, there may have been happy times in you home. But are a few happy times here and there worth this never ending turmoil? Are a few happy moments worth a TON of psychotic outbursts from your dh and mil? Also, you need to stop just thinking of YOURSELF and start thinking of your kid too. She doesn't deserve to be brought up in the environment you've kept her in.

Things in your husband's family will never change for you, because to them, you are like an item at Walmart with a life long return policy. At the drop of the hat, they will always try to ship you back from where you came and look out for a new item girl to marry their son to. If YOU were the one causing problems Sandu, you could fix this situation. But you're not the problem girl. THEY ARE.

 

Sandu, I have a suggestion but this may backfire if he passes this to your inlaws.

If you have any good friend, call them and ask them to talk to your husband when you are there and also in your absence. Stop pretending you are happily married couples, attending parties and dinners. You need friends now to help you on this. Your dh is not willing to read what ILites have to say, he will never ever listen to your parents and it is not right to ask your parents to talk to him. He will take this as a big EGO issue and problems will escalate. Your siblings also same as your parents.
So, leave your family in this. Now, consult friends. Tell them you need help and he is not willing to go to counseling. Maybe, he may never be willing even after friends talk but atleast your friends can do some kind of counseling to him and show him how they all are living peacefully.


My best suggestion at this time to you is approach friends. Again, your friends should be able to convince him in not passing this talk to his parents. If he does that, then you are in worst state than now. Your inlaws blaming you for dragging this onto the streets.

I mean, anyway they are blaming so why not take this chance too. Call friends and ask for HELP!

 

This is my experience with friends.
Unless you have close friends who really care for your family wellbeing,no other freinds would interfear in the wife and husband business.
If you have close friend and also close to your husband who he can listen then it may be good idea to explain the situation.
But in US most of the times ,we have friends juts for the sake frinedship and get togethers and nothing much helpful by posting your problems over there.
So you need to be very careful who to discuss and whom not to discuss about the family.

 

I have another idea for you which I came across recently. If you have not heard or tried, pls give this a try.

Whatever you have written here, write the same thing in a letter form addressed to your husband and mail it to him or put it in a place he will see. Do this in the weekend. Place it where he will see and you go out.

Write everything from the bottom of your heart and how you want to save this marriage and how much he means to you and your daughter. Also, write how much you respect his parents and are willing to take them back in your life if they treat you good and all other things you can think of.

Pls try this.
Pingme