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The run up to a wedding

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by narasmanasi, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. narasmanasi

    narasmanasi New IL'ite

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    Hi all

    My first attempt at posting - please do let me have some frank feedback


    This was triggered by a colleague of mine who is having a mixed marriage , i.e his fiancee is from a different community and hence the whole ' how do we do it , what rituals , etc ... brought me back to the ( not so long ago ) time when my husband and I were trying to mediate between 2 families in 2 different cities with us being in the third city ! I think Vodafone would have made tons of money with the kind of phone calls we were making :)

    Before we started , in fact when my husband and I decided to marry each other , he told me that his family was very particular about a traditional wedding , as far as possible in their custom , etc etc - since only son , have not had a happy occasion in their family for many years , etc etc . Since his folks took a long time to come round , I figured this was a relatively minor concession to make , especially since my family was far more liberal ( or so I thought ! )

    Well , parents meet - at one of those few days that is auspicious for both communities ... I didnt realize that for stars and planets to align is so difficult and that different stars align in different ways depending on which part of India you are from ! My parents initially told my inlaws that do it your way , in your city ( since his grandfather was old and could not travel ) , but we just have a few things we would want our way ..

    I did not realize what was in store , when a few of those things created havoc .. eg who buys the nine yards . in our custom its the boys side that has to give it , in their custom its the girls side ... and it did not help that oen of my uncles came up and told my parents " if you buy it for your daughter you cant buy it for your DIL when your son gets married , otherwise one of your kids' marriages will not last " And all this from a family which does not believe in horoscopes , does not have a family astrologer , where my cousins have all had love marriages and a few outside the religion as well !

    It made me realize that even the most broadminded of families , even when all the women of the previous generation work outside the home , when it comes to these quirks , these are hard to give up ... In fact my mother , in a moment of candour , said we may not have been so particular had the other family not been so particular, we would have been quite OK with an Arya Samaj or even registered wedding followed by a reception , but since they are insisting we will also insist !

    Fortunately , by the grace of god , since both families are affluent, we could afford the little extra quirks ... eg they said "our son ( the groom ) has to get a gold ring from you , its our custom " and my folks said " in our custom the bride's brother has to get a gold ring from you " . So gold rings were exchanged :) . The menu of course was another lengthy discussion - we have a custom where a particular rice based sweet HAS to be served and they said no rice based sweets at all in the menu! My aunt said that the son in law of the house ( my husband ) has to have that sweet before he comes to our house as the SNIL for the first time . OK we solved that one by saying " since the wedding is in their city lets have the menu their way " and my poor husband , when he came to my parents house for the first time 2 months after the wedding had to stand outside the gate , have a spoon of that sweet and only then enter ! The sight of him standing outside the gate and eating :rotfl

    Now we look back on it and laugh , and those friends of ours who were there through the tough journey to get the parents to agree join in our laughter ...

    But my word of caution to anyone marrying from a different community is

    1. Either take the law into your own hands and decide what ceremony you will have ( I realize as I write this that not all of us can have this luxury )

    2. Tell both sets of parents to be up front about the rituals they are particular about - we want a few rituals is the easiest thing in the world to mis understand

    3. If possible and money and time permit it - get married twice - it worked for a cousin of mine who married outside the religion , they had both ceremonies and everyone is living happily everr after :)


    PS : we solved the sari problem - my parents bought it and my husband and I will buy it for my SIL when my bro gets married . Creativity and out of the box thinking works !
     
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  2. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Welcome to the world of words, Manasi!
    You had me in splits about your DH having the sweet after two months near the gate!
    My friend is having a inter-community wedding soon and we are all very excited to see it take place! The talks before the wedding have been smooth considering the fact that the guy she is marrying is from an affluent family and affectionate too! Not that they cannot afford the grandeur but the best thing about the groom's famliy is that they have no expectations!! Both families are doing it at thier pace and space too!
    Loved your post!
    Keep them coming!
     
  3. shreyashreyas

    shreyashreyas Gold IL'ite

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    Manasi, nice narration.

    Usually in same caste weddings also these issues arise.. in my wedding, my maama had brought the metti but was little big in size so didnot stand in my toes... i could not even walk with that... when we told this to my MIL she said that without metti i will allow my DIL to grihapravesh into my house. so we waited for half - an- hour till the shop opened and brought a new one....even today my elders talk of it ....

    Sandhya
     
  4. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Nice write up Manasi! :thumbsup

    I am going for a intercaste & inter-religious marriage. I am waiting for all those confusing moments you had narrated in my marriage. Quite exciting....right?? :wink:

    In our family, almost all of them did love marriages - all inter-community, inter-religious, inter-caste marriages. So we make it a point that we go by the groom's side to avoid these confusions. Only wedding....reception arrangements will be decided by the couple. This idea works well. :)

    Keep writing!
     
  5. radsahana

    radsahana Silver IL'ite

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    hi manasi

    welcome to the snippets corner!!!.

    For the first time, you did a great job of narrating the incidents lucidly.

    Yeah sure, even for the same cast marriage, there are so many hastles, ego clashes, and think of inter caste marriage LOL!!!!

    But good thing is All iz well at the end.

    Moment at this we come to know about the true nature of everyone, like you said u consider ur fmly tooo liberal:) or for that matter parents at that age became like child, and wants to have their own ways.
     
  6. Tubelight

    Tubelight Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi !
    Enjoyed reading your lovely narration about all the hullaballoo that went into the wedding ! LOL ! The poor Son In Law made to eat the sweet at the gate !:)
    I have seen such confusions in my cousin's wedding. Initially both sides tried to be very lenient , but as the wedding date got close, all relatives, on both sides, started giving advise , trying to prove they have the upper hand ! (since they are insisting we will also insist - Exactly !! )

    Its better to have Arya Samaj wedding ofcourse; no hassles! But in one funny case I know, after an Arya Samaj wedding and registration, the boy's family held another wedding according to their rites on a small scale ( family only) in their house for their satisfaction!

    :thumbsup
     
  7. ganges

    ganges Gold IL'ite

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    dear mansi

    Very well said dear. A lot of giving ups should be there from both the sides. In our sons wedding, we are tamil Iyer and they are Guptas from UP, since there were elders in both the sides, we agreed that engagement and sangeeth in their style at their place ( delhi ) with all of us went their and the marriage as per our style in our place. So all the grand parents were happy and the girls side too they were happy that atleast they followed some of their custom too. Now at home she is doing all our functions and vrithas while I too is doing karva chauth with her . World is changing.


    ganges
     
  8. Soldier

    Soldier Gold IL'ite

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    Hi.

    First of all, Kudos to you for a well narrated post.

    Such things happen in many intercaste weddings.But if the families discuss things thread bare and can compromise to some extent, unpleasant moments could be avoided.

    In our family too there was a marriage - keralite iyer vs. Konkani brahmin. The first half of the wedding was performed the konkan way and the latter half, the typical Iyer way. So things struck a balance.

    The couple is a very happy family now with both the parents and in-laws supporting them.
     
  9. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Love the narration Manasi. My brother went through almost the same round as you mentioned very recently..(Last month).. I love the scene of SNILwaiting at the gate for sweet.. LOL

    I recollect our scene where we didn't get to visit my uncles and grand parents soon after the wedding as we came to the US. Though I alone made a trip to their houses on my next trip(DH didn't come then), we both together went only after 3 years of marraige and before entering my grandparents house.. my grandmom made us stand outside the gate for 'aarathi' calling us 'pudhu ponnu-maapillai' .. what the heck.. we were married for 3+ years then. :hide:And it was damn embarassing.
    My DH still recollects that and during this visit he was like 'I hope noone in your family takes aarathi after 5 years of marriage..':crazy
     
  10. Deaf woman

    Deaf woman Senior IL'ite

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    Hi narasmanasi,
    Well written post and with lots of humour:thumbsup.Even in same caste marriages these things happen, of course in a lesser scale.I never attended an intercaste or interreligious marriage ,hence can't add any snippets from my experience.Good to know you solved the saree problem amicably.
    Hope to see you here regularly.

     

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