Feel worn out in lif

Very cool Kavya. Glad things are turning for the better. Congrats on the new job.:thumbsup

 

I feel the basic essence of marriage is lost. The right thing is to forgive and forget. I feel totally worn out. During this time my family and his family were not supportive. I took a break and spend a month at my brother and father's house. There insensitivity was hard to digest. My dad told me mypostpartum depression is my mental weakness and n number of women have kids every year.I like the information which is very special source of knowledge.

 

Kavya,

I am chiming in late in this thread but just want to draw your attention to some advice that you regularly dispense here to other women (especially women in troubled / emotionally distressing situations). I am especially quoting from your response to one of my threads titled Unreasonable DILs because I believe that your advice in that thread is very relevant to you in this thread:

This is so apt in your situation. Everyone has been unreasonable towards you. Your father, your mother, your brother, your MIL, your FIL, even your husband. It seems no one has treated you fairly, but, as you say, such people will always exist. So what?

Exactly, Kavya. You should not be venting your fury on your husband's behavior like this. By doing so, you are only reinforcing your opinions about him and going more and more into negativity by going on playing and replaying the past and his "mistakes" in your mind. Ultimately, your negativity over a single incident - his road rage - has spilled over to the extent that you are so affected by it and are spreading it back to everyone else in your life. First, grow out of this small-mindedness and be forgiving towards him.

You are an Art of Living spokesperson. You are also a good practitioner of meditation and yoga. These must have given some insights into how to be a positive person. You are a smart, intelligent girl. Use your intelligence and knowledge to your own benefit - as your advice to be kind and compassionate to even those who are causing them trouble have benefited so many other women here.

Exactly, Kavya. Life is to enjoy. So do not dwell on his past mistakes and the associated negativity. Let it go. Practice compassion and kindness and as you say when you attempt to enforce it in your own life, it will permeate and heal your relationship with your husband.

Yes, Kavya. This too WILL pass. Eventually, your husband's hormonal issues may be resolved or under control. Your father might react to you more kindly, your mother might realize the error of her ways in using you as an emotional prop during your childhood, your brother might feel ashamed of himself for not supporting you when you needed his help, your in-laws may realize how they have wronged you and your husband already realizes his mistakes and time and again asks for your forgiveness. Your husband has already been pleading with you to let the past go. Do not dwell on it and do not invite that negativity into your life. Instead, bring compassion and kindness into your marriage and this too will pass.

Good luck. May God be with you.

 

Glad to be of help / assistance, Kavya. I came back to write to you because what else are friends for?

Anyway, I wrote nothing extraordinary or amazing or new here. Nor am I expecting you to be enlightened. All I did was simply to re-quote / re-post your own words of wisdom to others who are also seeking some help / advice during difficult / trying times. Just like your posts above help so many other women going through their own blue days, I believe / hope that your words will help you during your blue days, too, hence my re-quoting them here.

But, anyway to clarify - if you are uncomfortable with me using / quoting your 'venting your fury' comment, maybe I should say 'playing flashback of painful events' as that is a less dramatic / better way of putting it?

I know the road-incident was a start but he had a medical problem that was causing him to behave irrationally. But you are a healthy person with a firm head between your shoulders. So, what is your excuse to keep on dissecting and brooding about the past and being unhappy with your husband, dear?

Also, he is working with you. He gave you a notarized affidavit stating that he would not harass / stress you out. Most men would never admit to such things - esp. in writing. Also, a notarized document does nothing except act as proof of his possible guilt / complicity if anything were to ever happen to you (regardless of whether he was responsible for it or not). He compromised his safety and gave you that letter! So, he is a good man and genuinely regrets his past errors. Now, it is up to you to be equally generous and compassionate and forgive him. After all, isn't compassion and the ability to forgive the first things gained by experienced practitioners of Yoga and Sudarasana Kriya?

In addition to helping you heal your marriage, I am sure that Sudarsana Kriya and Vipaasana Yoga are also helping you cope with the difficult relationships you have with each of your family members. It cannot be easy to have so many difficult relationships in one's life, but you have proven time and again to be a strong person. This too will pass. Let bygones be bygones, my dear Kavya.

Anyway, take care, girl. My best wishes are with you.

 

Kavya,

Not sure how I missed this thread when you started it, but then have been irregular here on IL so maybe thats why.

Kavya dear, it is evident that you are having another of those 'exhausting' flash back sessions, and you know as well as I do that they are never nice! In many ways both of us have faced similar things, in terms of things souring PP. Equally our cases are very different in that I hadn't known nor did I get to interact with my husband all that much before I got preg (a few months barely). Which brings me back to your original question - was he really who you thought he was? The car incident is a sore point with you, although you may want to overlook it as a temporary insanity, for which your husband may truly be remorseful. But what about the abusive tendencies - you talk of medical issues, strong medication, and abusive period at such times, and in a few cases you say he did slip into such behavior even when he remained unmedicated. And unsupportive dad/brother to boot. Sounds like a whole bunch of relationships gone wrong.

Kavya, one thing I am seeing in your post is you're constantly dissecting the past, your husband's unreasonable behavior, as also your reactions. You are on the one hand saying you are unable to get over it, perfectly understandable. Then you go on to 'explain' why he might have behaved such, and then you say his medical condition alone does not explain it. Girl you are going around in circles IMO. Now Kavya, please don't misinterpret my words, for I do know some of your history. You have definitely handled things in a strong way, but I can't say i agree or feel comf about some of the choices you made - like getting a doc notarized, the passing it on to family and in-laws as though it is proof that husband is somehow unstable and you need a documented protection, just in case. I mean you yourself say this was not the perfect solution, and hey we have all handled things in ways we wished we did not have to. So I do understand why you may have felt it is warranted. But girl,despite all this, you are not feeling safe, you are doubtful if you can ever trust/love your husband, you say he is a good dad but will still ignore kiddo to salvage ego, you feel that you have a primary say in the relationship yet it does not make things right for you.

So WHAT is the solution I really cannot say Kavya, BUT I definitely can offer you a shoulder to cry on, and some words of comfort too You may want to revisit the REAL reasons you chose to remain in this marriage. Whether or not husband is truly remorseful of his actions, the key thing is YOU must be prepared to MOVE ON. That is key Kavya REALLY!! No amount of counselling, support systems in the form of parents/friends, a loving spouse, a sweet kiddo can do that for you. ONLY YOU CAN! And trust me when I say that deep down YOU must be prepared for everything that happens when you are truly ready to traverse the path of healing. In fact, IMO healing can be a hurt-filled road too, and maybe you are still in the process of gaining closure. So don't give up just yet.

Continue to keep yoga/meditation an important part of your life, go back to an old hobby you cherished, do some volunteering or community service - it DOES help. Read a motivational book, watch a favorite flick, go on a short trip with kiddo and ask husband to join in so you can revive some memories and create family time. Really Kavya you and I well know that life is never fair, but it would be plain boring if it was predictable huh... Ok so things were not as you expected in life, but hey it made you the strong and the spirited woman we all know here at IL, and in your friends circle too!

Take care gurl...

 

Hello Kavya,

Malathy and Sowmya gave good advise. I also had a difficult childhood. I grew up in a male dominated house where my uncle and father were extreme orthodox and chauvinist men. I had to struggle for everything while my brother was the prince. I never received any encouragement or support for anything. Even when I got into engineering college my uncle said 'Why she should study engineering? After all, she is going to other house. Just let her do home science and get some domestic skills so she can be good daughterinlaw and wife.' But when my brother failed to get into engineering college in merit, these same people paid lacs and lacs to get him admitted under payment seat. You know my woes with my brother, too. Extreme selfish fellow who is not even there for me when his wife is abusing my son. Mother is weak / helpless. Now my uncle is deceased and my father is slowly changing his ways. But still I have hard time forgiving them for the past. Dear, I am seeing the same struggle in you. Only difference is, I am blessed to have good husband and excellent inlaws but you have been unhappy on that score too.

I see you are living in bay area. So I can suggest one thing. There are some courses conducted by sivananda ashram. I went to their san francisco website and I think this course 'forgiveness the ultimate healer' will help you very much. You can go to there website and see details. Thing is no matter how much counciling you get you have to forget the past to move on from it. Otherwise the healing will never be there. to heal you should forgive. to forgive you should come to peace with your past. to come to peace with your past you should accept it no matter how bitter it is. Believe me, I know how hard it is. I could not let go until my uncle expired suddenly and I realized how short life is. I never got a chance to make my peace with him so I didn't want to have same regret with my parents. So I met them and had heart-to-heart. By then my brother's misbehavior had also opened their eyes so they accepted their mistakes and we are now becoming friends. Especially with my mother.

Dear, forgiveness is very, very, very hard. But I don't want you to have the regret I have over my uncle and how I never made up with him. Life is short, and we never know what each day brings. I have been helped very much by reading bhagavad gita, talking to positive people, attending meditation, taking forgiveness classes (like this one I am referring to you). I am still struggling to forgive my brother but will get there in time. Your husband was also have medical problems when you were having post partum problems so you were both in pain. Timing was bad, dear. It may have just been unfortunate coincidence. Now he is Ok, no? Can you try to forgive him whole-heartedly? Key is whole hearted because true forgiveness means you will no longer think about his cruelty in the past. As Malathy says, compassion is key. If you can understand what he was going through at the time it will help. Now I am able to see that my uncle and father were old school people who did not believe in education for girls. My mother was only a weak woman so she had no say / choice. When I am trying to see through their eyes, I am able to better understand them and it makes forgiveness easy. So see if you can try same thing.

Dear, again I am telling life is short. You have a child. It will be better if can be friends with his father. If your hubby is good father then you are better off than some of these monsters who are bad husbands and bad fathers!!!

Regarding your brother not supporting you, men generally are not good in talking or discussing emotions. They are better in solving problems practically. Maybe your brother also felt that way so he asked his wife to give you supporting ear / shoulder. Your father also may have not understood how women need moral and emotional support. Most men don't understand this, only women do. Don't bother about in-laws. If they are good you are lucky. If not so what is new? That is the destiny of many Indian women.

I really hope you look at the forgiveness course. It will help so much.

Don't worry, be happy dear. You have got very good advises here. Hope it is all of some help.

With love,

Anuradha.