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inter-religion marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by cranberries, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. rpangel

    rpangel New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have also done an Inter-religion marriage & suggest you not to go for it.
    Starting evrything luks very rosy & nice, but the reality strucks its very difficult to take it.
    How much ever open or broad minded the communities are, there are many differences in our Indian society.
    I feel you should never go for it as Im already going thru hell due to all this.

    Luv
     
  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am a product of inter-religious, inter-ethnicity and inter-continental marriage. And I could define my marriage as the same. Inter-religious marriages can work only if both people are not too hung up on their religion. It means either both of you are not religious(which was the case in my parents and mine) or if you choose to practice your respective religion after marriage, then do not try and proselytize the other into yours and if you have children, do not force your respective faiths on them until they can make that choice for themselves. In the latter case, major conflicts can arise if one mandates the other convert to their religion or one parent gets to inculcate their religious faith on the children over the other. So if you are going for a inter-faith marriage, you need to have that maturity or the whole religion thing can become a major source of conflict.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Nammu,

    Since you asked for advice..here is my 2 cents....converting to a different religion is like changing your core of existence...will you be able to do that.

    You have the answer ..you just have to look into it...will you be able to completely give up your religion,beliefs,food habits and joys of the festivals you attended before which you cannot anymore.....

    If you are ok with this then do it otherwise make a decision right now to prevent future heart break...
     
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  4. janice137

    janice137 New IL'ite

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    Dear Nammu,

    I agree 100% with Malavika on what she said about inter-religion marriages surviving only when the two parties are not hung up on religion. It was well and good that you and your bf had discussed the religion issue prior to engagement, and had agreed to stick to your own religious beliefs. However, it is very disturbing to me that, as your wedding nears, your bf suddenly wants you to convert. I can understand the emotional turmoil you are going through right now, but you need to really dig deep into yourself and be honest. It might be best to ask yourself the following questions:

    1) Can I stay with a man who has turned back on his word and who now wants me to give up my own religion, which is such a vital part of my identity?
    2) (Assuming that you are considering converting to Islam) - Can I convert without harboring any bad feelings toward my soon-to-be husband (and his family)? After converting, can I say that, at the end of the day, it is worth it, for love outweighs everything?
    3) How would I feel about my children not knowing about my religion? (this is assuming you convert to Islam) Do I see myself attempting to convert them to Hindu later on?

    These questions are tough to answer but you need to really think about them. Think, reflect, and if you wish, discuss with your bf again. Ask him if the situation is reversed and you were to ask him to convert, how would he feel and what would he do? If he still doesn't compromise, then I see breaking up as the only option. I know this sounds harsh but I think it's better to hurt now rather than endure a lifetime filled with tensions about religious issues. Marriage is hard enough as it is, don't make it more complicated by battling about religious issues.

    If both you and your bf can be laid back about religion and not force each other and your children to convert, and instead practice a great deal of respect and encourage your children to learn/appreciate/respect their dual-faith heritage and make decisions about their own religion later in their lives, I can see the marriage working. Otherwise, I would tell you to move on and find a partner who wouldn't require you to give up such an essential part of your self.

    To our Muslim sisters in IL, perhaps you can also advise Nammu on this, if this dual-faith system can work in her marriage. I have heard from my Muslim friends that if one wants to marry a Muslim, it's a MUST that the non-Muslim person convert and the children will need to follow Islam as well. Again this is just what I heard, so perhaps our Muslim sisters can also offer some advice.

    Nammu dear, please think hard about this. When you discuss with your bf, speak up, because this is your only chance. If you marry him without clearing this issue, he might take it to mean that you are in complete agreement with this religious change (even though deep down, your heart might be rebelling). If you speak up AFTER marriage, hoping that he'll make some compromises, you might as well bang your head against a brick wall, because your husband is very very UNLIKELY to budge.

    Hope this helps. I pray that you have wisdom and courage to reflect honestly on your situation and take firm action, if need be.

    Janice
     
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  5. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Nammu, my parents did inter-caste marriage. Also at one point of time, my dad wanted to convert to Christianity and my mom was against his decision. They didn't make a good couple. Here I won't blame religion or caste. Only two of them created problems and lead an unhappy life. Even then, I am in love with a Christian guy. Love is not wrong...whom you choose is very important.

    Even my fiance asked me to convert to his religion because marriage should be in Church. I agreed because this is how our society is and his parents expect me to do so. But I am not forced to practice his religion. Think about it....because doing something without any belief will cause you hell lot of problems and will affect your marriage life totally. If you are confident about your guy, move on.

    You know him for 5years, then you both should have great understanding. Why does he ask you to convert? Evaluate and take a wise decision.
     
  6. Nami2010

    Nami2010 New IL'ite

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    Cranberries, I have married a man from a totally different religion. I am Hindu and he is Muslim. I can tell one thing from my own experience and there are very remote chances that parents will be convinced.
    In my case my parents were unhappy but after lot of explanations and convincing them that I will be fine and I am happy marrying him they softened and compromised. But, hell broke loose at my dh's place. I mean what wrong in marrying a Hindu girl? I did not get it !
    No amount of convincing worked. They still cannot accept me. I don't blame them because I haven't got converted and I will never. I have told dh very very clearly that just because I married you I am not going to change my name and convert to Islam. If you can love me and marry me as I am then fine. We had all these discussions before marriage.
    Do you think I was 100% sure that he will not bring it up after marriage?? NO!! But you see I was prepared for the extreme. I know I had put forth my issue on the table and I was happy I did that before marriage. Call me what ever...narrow minded or superficial, whatever but I just cannot all of a sudden change into a religion I was not born into. And, I wouldn't want to live with a man who asked me to do it.
    I was crystal clear on this way before marriage and dh understood it and never raised that topic.

    No doubt about that......SHE WILL NEVER BE ACCEPTED, Advise her to be PREPARED for that. I can guarantee from my experience. Though I am newly married 6 months back but I can see the anger and frustration of my inlaws as though their son has betrayed them or backstabbed them by marrying a Hindu woman. They are not understanding the fact that their son loves this woman. Their condition for accepting me is if I convert to their religion which I made it clear I will not.

    After marriage, Inlaws told me very harshly that my married life will go to dogs if I do not convert. My answer was a simple NO.
    They tried telling dh to explain to me. I told dh I am the last person to take this crap. Anyway, dh never brought this up with me because we agreed we will not bring religion in our way of life and he agreed to my condition that I will never get converted.
    Not that I have anything against the religion. C'mon! I loved a man from that religion. Even before we got married I was trying to get myself mentally prepared for this non-acceptance and dramas from inlaws. If they would have accepted me then HEY! that would have been a surprise to me.


    My advise would be your friend needs to be independent lady. She needs to be in a position to support herself if there is a problem in the future. Tell her to talk to her man very clearly on her conditions and tell her to ask him if he has any. That way she can get a clear picture on where there might be a possible clash. Let her not assume anything. Everything needs to be crystal clear regarding their expectations for after marriage life. I work and am away from inlaws. That helps too. If she can live away from her inlaws, separately just the couple after marriage then it saves lot of intereference from inlaws. Again tell her to be prepared to face any situation if need be. Mentally if she is prepared to face then half the problem is solved. Please tell her to make matters clear to her husband way before marriage. Her husband needs to tell his parents to back off if they interfere in future and for this he needs to know his wife well. All this will happen only with clear communication.






    Nammu, I too married a muslim man. We knew each other for 2 yrs before marriage.
    Before our marriage I told my husband I will not convert. He said then he will face so many consequences from his family. I told him clearly if you can love me as I am without your conditions then fine otherwise I will love you forever but cannot marry you. I know how much I cried later after he left because I loved him to the core.
    He to date does not know how much I felt sad that day and I did not want to tell him and I will never too.
    Anyway, after that we had so many discussions and finally I came up with my conditions and he with his. All this we did before marriage.
    I have started a thread. Please go through that as that may be helpful for you.http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/88263-newly-married-6-months-back.html
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Also depends on the religions that they are from.
    I think hindu-christian marriage will be easier than hindu-muslim marriage.

    Just because most middle class educated hindus are more exposed to western media and lifestyles and not as much to the everyday muslim lifestyle. Also the conversion attempts would be one sided in either case :). Either way the non-hindu will try converting the hindu.

    Does anyone know of Indian christian marrying an Indian muslim? I do not know of any such case so far..
     
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  8. grihasta

    grihasta New IL'ite

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    you said you were converting, but won't be forced to practise it. You will be giving up your identity and for all practical purposes, you will now be identified with the new religion. Is that ok with you? And knowing how things operate in India, at some level, the in-laws will expect you to be involved in their religion if not everyday. Just saying that you too need to be mentally prepared for it, and be accepting of it.

    As for the original postor's question, religion is a very tricky issue, and if both partners are not able to come to an agreement before marriage, it is going to be even tough later on. If your fiance cannot resist his parents pressure to get you converted now, think how difficult it will be after marriage.
     
  9. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    I know of a couple like this. Dh's colleague and his wife. She is christian (Tamil) and he is Muslim (Malayalam). He does not allow her to go to church. She says she has not converted but we don't know the details.
    He does not allow her to have Christmas tree in her house during holidays, even for kids sake he will not allow that.
    She just says her prayers at home during Christmas. For the peace of the family she has compromised....what else to do??
    IMO..that is wrong on the part of that guy. What's wrong in wife practicing her faith as she wishes.
    See the funny part here, It was this guy who convinced her into marrying him, kind of chased her for love.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2010
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  10. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Grihasta, still I didn't convert to his religion. To me, this is just a simple procedure that is going to happen before my marriage. Religion doesn't give me the IDENTITY....Who I am really matters. I don't feel anything when I say I am a Hindu. Same way, what if I am a Christian. Basically I don't practice any religion :wink: I go to temple/church for peace and me and my fiance truly believe that there is just ONE GOD!

    My fiance is coming from deep south of Tamil Nadu. His parents are not educated. They don't know how the world is. If I go and argue with them, will they understand? Already they feel bad that his son choose his partner himself. So I said I can well change to his religion.

    Tara,

    This is the first time even I am hearing this kind of story....Christian-Muslim couple. Great one :thumbsup
     

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