How to save my marriage

Hi Tilaka,

Hello...I am a new member here and I love this forum. A big hug from me. Just read your story....I felt it was my mom's story. My dad was extremely abusive towards my mom. There were times when she had to be admitted in the hospital. But my mom's parents, esp. father couldn't see it. There was one time when my Grandpa visited my mom in the hospital, she had extreme pain in her body, bruises eveywhere and my dad was nowhere to be seen. I think I was 11 years old and my brother was 5. We had not eaten anything for more than 24 hours....My grandpa just broke down. He sat on the floor holding me and my brother and cried. That was the last day he told his daughter (my mother) to "ADJUST".

My dad put my 6 year old brother in a residential school because he wanted to torture my mom mentally.....It was an extremely tough time for us....My brother used to cry for mom every night and go to sleep without food. What was his fault? The school teachers were told not to allow the MOTHER to meet the 6 year old....

My mom and dad got separated when I was 13 years old. As a child, yes, I missed my dad but I don't miss him at all now.

I highly recommend you Obama's "Dreams from my father". Read that book. The message I got from that book is that when a human being is subjected to extreme pain and humiliation, two things happen, either you break down or you become unstoppable and go very high.

My mom got separated 21 years back. She was extremely scared. But she carried on. She was very meek initially, slowly, she channalized all her energy on me and my brother. The good thing was that my grandpa had a big house so she saved all her earnings for our education. There was no financial problem there.

Many people said many things. I still remember a classmate of mine (who was my rival) always tried to put me down in front of others saying that I came from a broken family. How do you think a 13 year old girl is supposed to react to that? My grandpa and mom came up with a strategy, everytime someone said bad about us, they said something good to me and my brother.

My mom decided to dedicate her attention, love, affection for us and our career. She encouraged us to participate in all activities, everything.....this was not because we were competitive but because we didn't want to have any freetime in our lives to think about negative people and their talks.

We don't realize our own potential until we try.....I mean it. Me and my brother, both got through IIT. He went on to do his MBA from IIM Ahmedabad and I came here to do my MS. Guess what the same relatives who taunted my mom parise her like anything. She has become a VIP now....funny, isn't it? One of my mom's cousin sisters had once told me mom that my mom was jealous of her because SHE had a family and my mom didn't.....How ridiculous is that?

U have a HERO inside you, just find it. Everything you face a negative thing, try doing something positive. When people mock you, tell them to shut up and go a step ahead. People can't pull you down. Climb up little higher, go little ahead and look back and give them the most challenging look "fine, you have anything else to say, say it, I am can do the impossible". Remember your INDOMITABLE DETERMINATION is the key to happiness.

Here I am not talking about a mere degree, what I am mean here is your peace, your energy, your inner strength.....If you are just happy, that's it.

If you can just buy a new dress for yourself and watch a movie and have a nice cup of tea, that's happiness too.

One more thing, Dreams...Dreams are extremely important. Be determined that you and your son will be happy, no matter what. That happiness comes from within. It BELONGS to you, nobody can take that from you.

And remember perseverance is the BRIDGE between dreams and realities. You can do it and you HAVE to do it.

My mom took care of my grandparents when they were old. They both died on her lap. We have their blessings. I still feel their presence in my life.

The only regret I have is that my grandpa died even before I was settled and he couldn't meet my husband. We didn't have a car when I was growing up and now I drive a beautiful car....I would have loved to take him around. But he is always in my thoughts, always.

As a child who has undergone extremely traumatic childhood, I can tell that I don't miss my dad at all now. I feel pity for him......He can't even tell proudly about us to the world. What a miserable man.

BTW he is still alive and my mom sends his yearly expense to his cousin brother...What a pathetic life!!!!

My mom's FIL (I don't call him grandfather because he had kicked all of us out of his house in the middle of the night and we spent the night on the Railway platform crying) is now 89 years old. He cooks his own food and cries everyday and keeps telling my Uncle (father's brother, he and his wife are still in touch with my mom) to take him to my mom once so that he could touch her feet and ask for forgiveness at least once before he dies.....

Take care girl. Your story made me cry. Be strong. Be the HERO for your son and for yourself.

Luv....
Bubai

 

Dear Bubai,

such a courageous woman you have as your mom. I can't stop my tears as i read your post. God bless your mom and her clan...

Lahta

 

Bubai,

I have no words. I can see from your post that not only your mom is a hero, but she made sure, she gave 2 beautiful heroes to this world as well

Your post is what ever girl should remember.

May God bless your mom and her kids for a beautiful, beautiful life.

God bless

 

Dear Bubai,

I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with all of us. It sure gives strength, courage and hope to move forward in our lives.

MAY GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY.

Archana

 

Dear Tilaka,

Be brave and strong. Cling to your child and parents and move forward with all the courage.


Archana

 

Tilaka
1. You should NOT be in relation with this guy
2. The world is full of single parents who are happy living life to the best, what happens to those kids? Bubai is the best example! My aunt is a single parent too, I must tell you everyone has a path to follow in life that is governed by God, He decided for us, staying alone is FAR better than staying in a bad toxic relation, now you have got chance to come out of it, please do so. There are people in life who suffer from toxic relations but cannot escape from it.
3. You need to file “dowry harassment” case to all the members of the family for the mental , physical torture they gave you, That would take care of all the alimony etc that needs to be given to your son. DO NOT EVER GO BACK to him , he wud plead once u file 498a on him but DON’T GO BACK [ say the dialog “its too late now”] you mus be knowing but still .....498A does not need any evidence, it is strong law and completely biased towards women, If a woman says her ILs are troubling her, that statement is enough for police to start action and it is "non-bailable", You might try this 498a as tool to come down to some monetary settlement. What he wud divorce u, u shud divorce him .....how cheap, living on wife's salary and exploiting her!
4. You are very young, focus on positivity and stay happy.. who knows tomorrow someone comes along who may love you truly , if not, God is there to help you out, start picking up ur life by making friends, join a newsocial circle, hobbies and upgrade ur career, groom urself, u r free to do anything! Live life to the fullest and don’t care for what people say!

 

I bow to you, bubai :bowdown! I sincerely feel that every child and woman should learn from you...tx for posting things about your ordeal. HAts off to u! :clap

 

Bubai,

Hat's off to your girl !! I re-read your post twice and felt so proud that both you and your brother are IITians. So happy for you. Your mom did go through a lot and you and your brother were punished for no fault of yours. But you have rised above all odds.

I also have seen pain as a child though not as much as you. Use your experience to reach out and help children from poor backgrounds like foster children. I just started doing it and I feel it has added so much more to my life.

Regards,
Kavya.

 

OP, Simply tweak this forum. You'll read several experiences similar to yours.

If we are strong and bold, nothing will really affect us. Have clear mind, and be bold. Happiness will never evade you when you are in the right direction, and free of guilt.

 

I am in the EXACT same boat as you...only difference is...I live in the US....I have a kid also.......just similar things happened for the same reason......and same ppl involved.....my husband listens only to his family.....

I don't know what will happen to my life........but one thing I know for sure...and I want to tell you.......

Do you think, "we" can live "happily" like this? Do you think our children will learn good morals staying in this environment?

Yes, I am also trying hard to make it work.....if only my husband would use his brain and think for himself.......but if that does not happen........I am not sure if I want to put my son through this.

Trust me as soon as I read your post I wanted to respond.........I wanted to write my story....but I just wanted to respond to you!

be in touch.......I hear your pain!