What is the reason behind inlaws issues???......pour in your thoughts...

ASG... I think its basic issue about ROI (Return on Investment).
More you invest more you expect returns.. and when its not met.. it results into resentment... now son is yours & no typical Indian parent will ever put blame on their child... the first person to be thrashed is outsider which is DIL.

Investment can be -emotional/financial/social/educational.

Also there are specific cases who at the maturity of investment compared a fixed return investment to a high risk variable return investment & cry foul game foul game.... feeling that what they'd put in and the other was same then how come this person is bearing fruits and not me... without realising that they were never ready to take risks.

My MIL was ok as long as DH dint join me... that was the biggest setback to her which she never even thought of & also on return to her city when she compared that in her kitty party most of the ladies were able to cling on to their sons.. she was devastated for her failed attempts despite clear plannings ahead of marriage.......

 

You know Shilpama, that is so sad and disgusting. When I think of investments... I think of our 401k, our jobs, our education, our savings account, our life insurance policy... I cringe to think of our future kids as just another one of those financial assets.

Kids are a treasure, not an investment. Of course, we have to bring them up and care for them... but that is because WE decided to have them. They had no say whether they wanted to be born or not, it was totally our decision, so I feel it's wrong to expect them to kick back half their salary to us or feel indebted. Why can't each couple be in charge of their own financial security? Why place that heavy load on kids?

 

You are right ASG. How can one even think of kids as an investment and they will get returns from it, monetarily.
The only return we can desire for is their unconditional love towards us but if and only if we haven't made their life hell....in first place.

 

Exactly, i was trying to make this point.. You have brought it out in a better way..

Yes, it is sad and disgusting that kids are treated like an investment.. But that is a reality that kids are treated as investments.. I think this bought out well in movies like 'Taare zameen par' and in '3 idiots'..
Those movies are nothing but a reflection of the real scenario in india..

 

Not only do some parents think of their kids (especially sons) as investment, they constantly brainwash the sons by saying how much effort/money they spent on raising them etc, making the kids feel guilty.

One of my friend in US mentioned to me once that her kids feel they are not responsible to take care of her in future. Her kids are just teenagers and she is already telling them that they should take care of parents once the parents retire etc ( assume full responsibility). I argued with her saying why should her kids take full responsibility if they can manage things on their own and once the kids are grown , it will be a good time for her and her husband to travel etc. do things they like. She did not agree with me.

Kids are born not because they wanted to be born, its the parents who wanted to have kids. I think since it was the parents choice, they have an obligation to kids to get them educated etc. But after that the only expectation should be love and affection between the parents and kids and timely help when needed. You do not consider them as future investment returns. unfortunately there are many even in our generation who think of their kids as investments or someone to take care of them when they get old (irrespective of how active or financially independent the parents are).

Swaram

 

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks the 'kids as investments' idea is disgusting. You know another saying that really bugs me? "Why shouldn't parents enjoy the fruits of their success?" It just sounds so... crude and greedy. I hate it.

Actually me and dh are going to start trying for kids in about 2-3 years (1 year to finish school + 1 year of work)... and I'm just so excited and happy with that thought.... I try to imagine what my kid will look like or what to name him/her... and when I try to think of them as an 'investment' it really boils my blood. In fact sometimes I really feel like firing off a rude comment on here when people write about kids like that... so what I do is I imagine a virtual Preethi floating around my head putting duct tape on my mouth. It works (usually ;-)).

 

Like many of you have pointed out I think insecurities are a main cause for the differences.

PIL feel insecure after DIL is in the family. They feel they have done everything to raise their son. One fine day he marries and DIL gets to enjoy.

Also double standards i.e diff treatment for DIL and daughter. Daughter should live separately from her inlaws but not the DIL.

Attitude problem of inlaws- they are elderly/ head of the family so they dictate rules and just someone new joined the family should not speak up.

Also sometimes DIL is more modern in her outlook while inlaws are traditional. This causes lot of differences.

 

ASG you may choose to boil your blood over whats written here & firing off people who write any such stuff... but when you're dealing with people globally you should keep in mind that what they write comes from what they saw & not you.

I fail to understand what made you or others think I was projecting investment only on financial aspect....I used it as an example since you have accounts background and I'd also mentioned.. let me magnify it ..
Investment can be -emotional/financial/social/educational.

Now when u were so disturbed about ur DH having a possible online fling it was so cos u've emotionally (love) & socially (marriage) invested in him & if he cant give you same in return .... you were horribly upset or taken aback with even the thought of it.... same happens with a mother for her son.. she doesn't even wait for a reality check.

Indian parents go overboard to pay off for their kids education unlike US citizens, mine including who weighed their son's education of supreme importance.. at that time I felt how lucky he was... but soon realised that when he wasn't able to secure a very high profile job he had to hear a lot, and at that time I realised they were cribbing over the investment they did on his education & comparing it with return in job.

As per my son's case, we're already being counselled to feel happy even if he matches the growth milestones with obvious delay.. which never makes him a lesser child to get anything new that my DD gets in parallel... but yes many more parents couldn't have done it in previous generation.

 

@Swaram
You have hit the nail on the head... 100% true... its THIS GUILT which is instilled in them from day one that makes the men feel OBLIGED to dance to their parents tune...
@ASG / Shilpma -- "Children are an extension of you" ---- "Children are here to fulfill your desires" --- "What i didn't have I gave my children"...
how many times have you heard people say this??? we can't change some people's out look and perceptive of life... what we can do is ensure that we never make these mistakes with our child.
You know the movie bhagban? I really disagree with that point of view...
I give you an example which really opened my eyes...
Shakuntala devi during one of her interviews mentioned that she would always tell her daughter how difficult & tough it was for her to reach where she has today with so many siblings and living hard life in the village. One day her Daughter turned around and told her " If you life was tough why are you rubbing it in to me... its not my fault that your parents couldn't give you what you can afford to give me. So why do you give me things and then make me feel guilty all the while?"
How many of us can tell that to our parents? and how true it is...
Your child is the one person you love as much or more than ourself... but to constantly badger the kid with that is not fair....
Just because I have a son that doesn't mean I put my hands up retire and hope that he should take care of me....
JMO
K

 

Kids are investments if you are parents in China or Cambodia and Angelina Jolie is adopting them