Feeling dejected

plzhelp · Feb 18, 2010

I just wished the need to post this never came.
We have been married for 2 yrs now. My hubby is a workaholic and loves his job more than anything in this world. He works for an IT firm and works like crazy. He sometimes stays back at his work place or comes home at 2 or 3 at night also. I was working for an IT firm and completely understand how bad a support project can get. At the end of the day all that matters is how happy a person is doing a specific work. He has been working for this project for the last 2 years and all this time, I have been facing hell in the name of married life.
I would not have minded him working so hard if only he showed atleast half the interest in family life and in making me happy. I had given up my high paying job and a very comfortable life style back home only because I wanted to live with this man and I feel so depressed now.
I dont know if my harmones are working overtime or itz a problem with his...he just doesnt show any interest in sex life. I dont ask for it everyday but isnt it normal to atleast expect it once in 2 weeks? We are trying for pregnancy for the last few months and sex life is just about a baby making process. He asks me to check for my ovulation time and once the OPK's show positive, we do it and then nothing until ovulation period the next month.
I try to initiate it from my end and he just turns me off...he talks to me as though I am a sex monster and says 'Dont disturb me...I wont be free for this whole week'...I really feel very embarased and dejected...It feels so cheap to be asking this and turned down over and again...I have started thinking of divorce also...I cant discuss this with my parents or frenz and being anonymous makes it easier sharing it here.
Plz help me...Im totally broken down...should I leave him...I dont even know how to bring this as a topic for divorce also...Other than this he kindaf treats me well in terms of buying what I ask for or taking me out etc.

kannankannan77 · Feb 18, 2010

Hey let me tell you this in your case the key to the problem is with you yaar he just got a lock...Thats it......Well rather than just trying to just get to the intimating part just sit and talk i really think he is haunted by so many work related stress.....Talking will help a great deal....Make a better atmosphere in home......A chance for him to relax......You can do it......Dont think bout divorce and all now.....I think he will get back.......You stay close to him.....And try to relax him....Then hes all yours.....Care him like a small baby....He will fall on to your arms...I swear

plzhelp · Feb 18, 2010

I did not post this right after marriage...I have tried all that u have mentioned for a whole 2 years and now I feel I cant stand it anymore. I did try treating him like that...believe me in the first yr of marriage when he was busy with work, I used to even feed him while he used to work. He only looks at me like a mother...I can understand if somebody is busy for some weeks but this guy has been busy with work for 2 full yrs(I have no idea how many more before marriage). I guess he never says no to work anytime and his colleagues just take advantage of this...I have even heard his sub-ordinates order him to do something and he just goes on to do it...it doesnt matter what situation he is in...even when we are out, if somebody calls him and asks him to do some work, he would break the trip and do it...we went to a theme park once and his boss called him for something...he didnt have his laptop then but went on giving instructions to some other colleague for 3 full hours...and here I am like a fool sitting not knowing what to do...he stopped only because his mobile went out of charge...he always carries his office laptop even on vacations and u have no idea how many times we have come back home like this on account of work...I guess his attitude of taking me for granted wont change until I put my foot down and walk out...

rosegirl · Feb 18, 2010

I think its time you give an ultimatum. Office work from 9am-7pm only. From 7pm -10pm, no office calls, no laptop .. just spending time together.

Also weekends is fully for outing and hanging out together. I think all your previous techniques went right over his head, take a strong and firm approach that will just shake him into real life. If he still hangs on, then I dont think you are getting the importance and attention u deserve.

He is taking you for granted too much. My dh used to be like this when he used to have major releases ... hanging on to his cell and laptop. Then I told him that he needs to delegate and leave it at that. He would delegate and end up doing it all by himself.

goodluck

aruna_077 · Feb 18, 2010

I am saddened by your plight. It must be really difficult.

Its time to put your firm foot forward and let him know clearly what you are going through.

kannankannan77 · Feb 18, 2010

Oh its been 2yrs.....I didnt notice that.........Im so sorry......This is the problem you know.......Some men never realise the fact that ladies need their love and care....Well there are two scenarios i guess.......I think a "baby" might solve this but i dont think it will be permanent cos based on wat u said i think he wud just forget the baby after a while...And get back to his work.....Dont get angry at me but when i 1st heard your story first thing that came to my mind was whether this guy is having some other relationship no offence i just thought so....You ever doubt that too?Well also i dont think this is something you cant talk with your parents or inlaws......I think telling this to your parents will be helpful if he is someone who respects them...........Well then i know you try so hard to keep up to him.....Still hes like this only.....I dont think there is any justification that you should stay with him any longer and plus you dont have kids yet.....I think you deserve a better life than this with some one who wud give u wat u deserve...But pray to god........Submit yourselves to god.........Try to stay on for some more thin and finally if nothing works "escape".......You got a better life and person somewhere else

magicstick · Feb 18, 2010

Hi There.... I m feeling sad about ur current situation which is not new, it is existing for last 2 yrs...

dear, what i can suggest right now is forget abt planning a new life as u urself is not getting justice and right envt. to live and stay happy, hw can u expect that a person who is not willing to listen or understand u n ur needs will pay attention to the new born... he is not willing or able to tk care of one person, hw can we expect him tkng care of 2 lives.... give this idea a break and a back seat for now!

As per ur post, u hv given ur 100% for improving the situation which has resulted in nothing. so now stop all. Before taking any step, go n hv a open talk with him. Dont accept any excuse. Dont show him that u undersand ! Tell him that now its his turn to understand u as u hv already dedicated good 2 yrs. and r now feeling heart broken and dejected. You are taking care of him thru all ways n means, then y cant he do that.... u will be in better position to speak ur heart out with him, so just go n do it without thinking further....

and still if he acts cold on all these things, i wud suggest u to tk up ur job again, shift temp. to ur mom's house and make him feel ur absence and absence of luv n warmth u showered on him!

wait for some time..... may b this will help.

ShilpaMa · Feb 18, 2010

Yes its really sad to go through this feeling.
your DH is a workoholic & you're at home hence not that tired & the harmonal surge needs a vent out... which's been waiting throughout the day... whilst he has had no rest & many tired people dont have X on mind as first thing.

I never had a x-life with my DH due to x-compatibility & other reasons however MIL kept enquiring for good news, so when I used to initiate during green days, he branded me as trying to use him to produce babies, I was deeply hurt by this statement & told him to let me know that if its not him then whom should I use to get a baby.. he did apologise for it... mine wasn't a workoholic but was addicted to games & porny sites.

If you think there are other things that should have this marriage going on then consult a gyneac on next step, if you feel there's nothing worth living on here then take a break & then if either he's improving his ways (but before leaving do let him know what changes you want to see in him) or if you need him anymore.

Priya16 · Feb 18, 2010

Dear,

I know what it is.Because I have similar husband but not the extend you have.
One advise,don't think about the divorce.Pack your bags and go to india and look for work.
Even my husband used to be very work alcholic but he changed over the years little bit.He learned his lessons whenever he don't get promotions.That time he relaised few thigns.He still works hard from 7Am-9Pm but in between he will take care of kids and other things.
So pack your bags and go to india.They need learning curves to relaise family is also important like the work.

Other things you cound try.
Both of you start some exercise schdule.It will relax your husband mind.
Try to be independent like learn driving and go out of the house.
See you can participate in any volunteir work.
Make friends and get busy with your life.
I am not sure what visa you are in thought.If you don't work permit,see you are interested for higher education.
Try to explor the options you have around you.

But don't expect your man would change easily.They need to work and work for some years and fine day his boss won't give them promotion that's when there dream collapse and come home look for life.But that will not completly detach from work.Still they would do the same thing with little flexibility.My husband even he eats his food in front of computer.Right now I have 2 kids,So I really don't worry about his time.So occupy yourself.

All the best.

skalluri · Feb 19, 2010

Yes as Priya told, it is better to give a break for your life and his life too, take a break and go to Parents home and relax for some time, he will feel for you, he realizes importance of you , importance of company, wife in life. dont take drastic steps at this time, he defenitely needs to realize that life is not just career, work, it is family too. I hope he will change when you stay away from him for some time.

Sujatha.