How to handle this????

Hi all,

I am back again with yet another issue to get your honest opinions and suggestions/advises to move on in my marriage life.

Please bear with me if I cannot agree or follow some of your suggestions, as it may not simply go with my instinct. But I really value all your advises a lot, that really makes sense. I am happy to say that your advises have made me grow up so mature in my life, and that is the ONLY reason still I want to post my problems here for your suggestions.

Here goes my problem:-

As you know, I have resigned my post here, and going back to India in a couple of weeks for good. I have made my DH understand my reasons and need for a family life with him. He also happily agreed to start TTC immediately after my arrival.

The construction works of our own house is not completed yet, hence we have decided to find a rental appartment for now, and continue to monitor the constructions. Both my DH and I are looking for appartments via our friends and relatives and I have found a couple of nice ones with reasonable rentals.

Meanwhile, my FIL has a problem in our decision. Reason being, my DH and his younger brother are staying in a 1 room bachelors appartment now. They share the rentals, and apparantly both have paid the advance money until Dec 2010.
My BIL is a doctor, who is not used to metro lifestyle. He simply cannot cope up with such a fast life alone, hence he wants to stay with his brother always - This statement indeed didn't come from my BIL, but my FIL told me this and asked me to adjust with them in that appartment, which I cannot.

I have stayed there a couple of days during my last vacations. Its a hell. i and DH used to sleep in that small bed room, my BIL used to sleep in that living room (???), and I must cross my BILs room always to access the bathroom, which is so inconvenient, as I am not comfortable to walk infront of my BIL with my night dress ( specially in nights).

Their kitchen is just filled with wastages and books of my BIL. You know how bachelors live...:bonkThey don't allow me to clean and cook there, so I will have to just lock my self in that bedroom all the time, and do nothing. I just cannot. period.

When I explained this, my FIL says "OK.. then you will have to go back to your momma's house and stay there. My Son will come and meet you in the weekends."
How cruel is this?? I have been longing to live a live with my DH since marriage, and now also he wants me to stay away from my DH.

My boneless DH, who has 1000000000000000000s of dreams to live a life with me, he used to talk about it so many times, but now reacts as if he is very busy and cannot finalyse any rental appartments now.
I am sure, my DH was pressurized by his family, as they always tell he shouldn't leave his brother alone for his wife.

I have no problem in accomodating his brother or whoever in my home. All what I need is some privacy with my DH.
My BIL can not travel more than 30 mins in a car, so he needs the appartment near by his hospital (he is a doctor by the way). He has so many requirements like that, but it is not easy to find a home with all these requirements immediately and in a reasonable price.

Secondly, we will be on TTC, so I could get pregnant anytime soon. Also, I am planing to work in India asap. If that is the case, I feel my DH should think about my convenience when selecting an appartment as I am his immediate dependant, not his brother.

I can argue, fight or reason out my rights to my DH. But like in the past, all will detach our emotional connections only. I don't want to lose his love, specially at this time when I have so much hopes to start a new life with him.

I am 100% sure, that my DH too loves a private life with me. But he just cannot go ahead without his dad's green signal. He has been used to live like this, although he doesn't accept this bitter truth.
Moreover, if my DH adjusts with me, his folks will abuse him verbally and start bad mouthing or questioning about his masculinity. That is the ONLY reason behind his cold behaviour to keep my mouth shut and adjust with him.
He believes, everything will be all right, as they will stop influencing gradually and we shouldn't hurt our parents for smallar matters.
But I am afraid, as I may lose all my newly wedded dream life because of these nonsense. After having a baby, we cannot go back to our private life and enjoy.

I really need some advice on how to tackle this problem without losing my DH's love and good mood at this stage. Please help me.

 

Thanks for your prompt response Lavii.

My BIL is turning 28 now, and they are looking for alliances for him, but the wedding will be definitely after this year.

I am afraid about my FIL's hidden agenda. He is not at all happy with my decision to quit this job and come back to India. He just doesn't wanna lose this golden egg laying duck out of me, so he tried hard by all the means to keep me here in Sudan.

But I have put my feet down and made my DH understand my issues/needs, and finally I have come to a decision to resign and go back.

This is what irritating my FIL it seems. He wants me to stay at my mother's home and meet my DH during weekends only (making no point in my resigination, so I may go back to Sudan and resume my career).

That's a good idea. This is what the type of house I am looking for. But again, the location (it has to be closer to his hospital), traffic issues, blah, blah... makes me upset. My BIL has too much of requirements.... I dont know how to open my DH's blinded eyes in this regard.

 

Hi Sarajara,

Well, I asked my DH to look into this option. Also he said, my BIL may go back and forth to Malasiya for his studies in the mean time, so his presence wouldn't make a huge difference. Thanks for your suggestion.


Dear Pmahensa,

My BIL is indeed a very good person. Not like my FIL, but like my MIL who is also a nice woman.
I have always been good with him, and will be also practicing the same. My problem is that we both are not comfortable in that smallest appartment with my BIL sleeping in the next door. But if there is a reasonable appartment with two bedrooms, a decent kitchen and bathroom would be 100% fine with me.

I can even cook for my BIL and make him happy like an own sister.

You are right, I should be nice with everyone and make them understand my concerns. This is the right weapon to beat my nasty FIL.
Thanks for your advice.

Dear feduptocore,

I have found couple of nice appartments, and asked my cousin to have a look. She is fine with everything and gave me a go ahead. So, now I have asked my DH to visit them for his green signal after consulting with his brother.

I think my FIL has just poped in and pressurized my DH once again in this regard. So now my DH is hesitant to visit the houses by claiming he is busy. Whatsoever, I finanlly made him agree to visit those houses with me as the matter of priority (in 2 weeks i will be in india). Thanks for your advice.

 

Exactly... You are 100% right Priya.

My DH's family is like that. Parents are too much influencing and over controling type. They act as religious, and hold the astrological reasons and remedies in hand to control their sons.

For instance... My youngest BIL is in UK now. It has been 4 years since he visited home, so wanted to come during last X mas vacation. He has work permit, VISA, money and all the legal requirements to travel back and forth. But, my FIL asked him not to come. Reason being... there will be many part time job oportunities in the UK during X mas times and he shouldn't lose this extra money. He is a professional Engineer by the way.

To validate his reasons, my FIL used some horoscope matters, saying my BIL's horoscope shows a very bad time during last Dec, and hence he should avoid travelling and major decisions that time. The period will be cleared after this June only......

Since my DH and BILs are used to accept their father blindly, they don't suspect or question their father, rather they just accept and follow.

I have recollected all these incidents to analyse my recent money issues with my DH and now I have come to a conclusion that my DH too nodding his head to his dad for whatever the astrology, religious or horoscope reasons. He just trust his dad is a perfect astrologer, and predict things for their good.

It is not my DH's fault, it is his weakness... So, I am not going to fight this time, rather I am hoping to handle them in a very diplomatic way.