I cried today!!

Hi Tridev,

Question of love, emotional support, financial support is same for both men and women. These days what is happening is women are rebelling against patriarchy that gives men and men's families dominance over women and women's families. They are fighting for equality - that is the first thing you should keep in mind.

If your wife is not willing to take care of your mother no matter what then you can make arrangements for your mother with your siblings or even with paid caretakers. If this is not something you want to do then gently tell your wife that even her parents are getting old and will appreciate the availability / proximity of their daughter near by in this time. If she refuses on grounds that she has siblings to care for her own parents so she need not worry about them then you have to be firm and tell her that siblings or not she also has a duty to her parents as you do and you will return to India and live in a city or neighborhood that is midway between your parents' house and her parents' house so that you and she are available to both set of aging parents / in-laws. Many times, DILs are afraid that husband will drag them back and force them to live with mean-spirited or dominating in-laws who will destroy wife's peace and happiness and self-esteem. You should give your wife guarantee that your mother will not ill treat her. Take soft steps and try to understand / view the problems from wife's point of view and the solution will become obvious to you.

Just like women are crying / shedding tears / feeling guilty thinking about their aging parents men also will cry / shed tears / feel guilty about leaving their own aging parents too. So, I can understand your feelings but make sure your wife is not thrown under the bus in your efforts to be there for your mother just like your wife should not throw you under the bus for the sake of her own parents.

Like Tara said, with aging parents, we do not have enough time if we do not act fast...... so you too should definitely act fast and act fair (to both wife and mother).

 

Dear all,

I didn't go through all the posts here, but just to answer the OP.

It is really hard to see your parents living all alone in India, while you and your siblings live miles away from them.

Why don't you invite your parents to stay with you in the US. Initially they may say a Big NO to this idea, as it may be very difficult for them to adjust in a new country. But later, they shall give in.

No parents would love to stay alone in India (specially single parent) while their children and grand children are away from them.

In westernised world, people are used to this lonely life. But our parents still need the family package.

I have a colleague, he is a Canadian. He and his siblings stay far away from their home town. Last year his dad passed away, and that made his mom to live in that home alone.
My colleague and his siblings had concerns about the loniliess of their mom at that stage (she is 57 by the way), but they had no chioce as they all were committed with relationship, career and business matters, that needs to be attended first.
However, after some times, their mom found a nice match for her rest of the life. He is her late husband's best friend, who is also a widower. They spent some quality times together and later decided to live together under one roof as couples.
Recently when my colleague went to Switzerland on vacation, he has met his mom with this new uncle there. They were also on vacation (means enjoying their later part of the life without giving any burdens to their children). My colleague is much releived after this. He and his siblings are focussing on their own life without having any guilty feelings.

How many of our widowed mothers will be ready to move on in their life with a new relationship. It is a universal truth the any human being needs someone to talk to/share with at their later stage in life.

Who is there to our old parents to talk to or share with? Can our cousins and servant girls fill the vaccum we left there? Can our yearly visits cure their lonely pains?

It is true that our immediate family comes first when we need to prioritise things. Similarly, our parents also have to learn how to mingle with their children's spouses without putting too much demands.

If we can not go back to India for the sake of our spouse and kids, what will stop us to invite our parents to come here? We are not alone.. our siblings can also contribute and help in this regard. After all, they are our parents, and they have sacrifised a lot for us.

I and my siblings have already decided to either move back to India or bring our parents to where we stay. My parents are not that old, as two of my younger siblings are still not married. But once everone married and settled in their own life, it is our responsibility to take care of our parents.

Similarly, we need to think our ILs also equally deserve a quality life with their sons and grand children. It is in the hands of husband and wife to manage their own parents without hurting their spouses.

 

I call my parents everyday. It came about like this:

I used to call my parents every two weeks or so, sometimes not even that often and then I day I just had a bad feeling, and I woke up at 3 in the morning and before doing any thing else, I called them. The maid picked it up. When I asked where my parents were, she said that they were at the hospital....I knew that my father would have gone for his anual check-up so I told her that I will call later, when would they be back, I asked.....then she said I have to take food for them, but they will be back this eveing. Then I suspected something...it turned out my father was admitted to the hospital the pervious night and he was running a high temeprature and it looked like pneumonia etc...all sorts of complications, including his heart....my parents had instructed the servents to not to tell me because being far away I would worry. But little did they know that I worried more because they did not tell me! From then on, after he had returned from the hospital I call them every morning, and make sure I know their plans, I talk to the servants regularly too and their doctors once a while. Yes, it is more selfish on my part, I told them, because I worry and when I do that I can hardly function properly at work or give my best to my own family...(I already have a child who is not well). So I told them I need to be selfish and they just had to put up with my questions and check-ups on them. Now they are totally happy with the arrangement and my sister and brother joke about is and say ...we are telephone addicts. It feels like they are near me and I have them to advice and guide me. I have a more relaxed life and less guilt.

And now I have found out that the only way I can be sure that they are well and be involved in their lives is keeping in touch.

I would do the same for my in-laws but they have often wished that it is their son and not me that calls them so that is the way it is. So we call them every two weeks and if they are unwell, or have doctors appointments, hten we call every alterante day until they are better ( I make my husband do the calling them. Ü). They are parents too and they also need the attetnion and deserve our love and affection, as we would give to any other human being who needs our help. It is not so important if they are our in-laws, what matters most is our attitude towards older people geenrally and those who are actually dependant, not economically but emotionally on their children, especailly during illness. And I beleive that the most important thing is that I have done the best I can, and it is up to the others to interpert my actions in their own way...you can only change yourself, not others. Ü

Cheers, have a great day everyone.

Prasantha from Norway.

And here is a little story....

My father said, when I told him how guilty I feel about not being therE for him and my mother: He said simplY, "do you think that when I was young and newly married that I tHought about my widowed mother? No, I was busy with my career, I went far off to foreign countries and those times we did not even have telephone possibilites, we wrote letters which took months to reach us. I used to feel gulity and then my mother said, " No need to worry, I am happy. You are young, you need to take care of your family adn career otherwise how will you take care of your children when they all grow older. When the time comes, you will be there..."".

And so my father continued, "this is always the story of any family, through out generations..when you are young, you need to take of your family first, make your future secure and then only will you be able to help us when we really need you...so NO GUILT PLEASE!!!

 

I understand u'r concern...
But this was the main reason I didnt want to take up any job/alliance outside India..

 

hi,

I go through all the posts here. With my experience in the same case, I am advicing that you three daughters can arrange in such a way that you all can be with them in different periods. Let them be independent as far as possible. Just talk to them frequently and make them feel you are there for them.

ganges

 

By seeing this I Cried today made me to think of my teenage .I lost both my parents after my graduation.Now when my children have holidays I don't have a place to go and stay.This make me cry.

 

Very well said Nandu. I admire your direct to the point statement.
Tara, as Nandhu hit the nail....I also feel everyone are given choice in life. Just to share with you I have aged uncle who lives here, his daughter lives in USA (married) he also has a son (not married yet) staying in Germany working there. I pity my uncle and aunt in case of emergency their kids are not within the reach! Why money came above love? Isnt there people surviving comfortably in this country? I really dont understand. My personal opinion kids should take care of their aged parents and be accessible at a call. If not consider taking their parents overseas with them. THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION-

 

this is life dear. even I feel heavy at heart. I feel like to die early and reborn to the same parents and give them what I have not given to them I am helpless........