I am afraid of my wife

Ajith · Jun 12, 2009

Wow. What is wrong in making such comments for fun? I agree your situation may be different. In my friends' circle I always hear such comments from both husbands and wives but they were made in jest. Who wants serious conversation always? My wife told me once that she didn't like such comment and I stopped it from then on. There are better ways to put an end to this but you chose the harsh one.

winpie · Jun 12, 2009

Hi Ajith,

Thanks for so much for your reply. It seems to me that you took my first post seriously. See? This is exactly what I was aiming at. I wish you'd read that original post again - you will see that my comments at that time were equally in jest. That is why I put the grinning smiley with the title. And yet at first reading you felt that they were harsh!

The whole point is that what is fun for one need not be fun for another - and many a times, what can be brushed off as fun at one time hurts a lot at other times, depending on the other factors in a person's life.

Think about it - here I am taking an extreme example which really happened - the husband is a bully and berates and humiliates the wife often in public - on the street, in a shop/restaurant, in front of children, maids, in-laws - using derogatory words - words, which whenever I heard him using to her, I felt my skin crawl. And he was the leader in such comment passing games.

Is he really afraid of her? No. In fact it is the other way round. She keeps her voice down or completely silent just to avoid giving him a reason to put her down. All she has to do is voice her opinion about something. She is a sweet woman - not very well read but that doesn't mean she can not have an opinion about something nor that she should not express it. After all if her take of something is wrong she will come to know more about it because of the discussion!! The moment she does say something he passes a belittling comment about her opinion.

And he is one of the most vocal of this 'I am afraid of my wife' brigade!!!!

Whenever such 'teasing' is going on, be very sure that there is one among the group who is being hurt - not just by the 'teaser' but also by all the others who are participating in the exercise. Most women and even men who are at the receiving end will laugh with all the others but an observant person will be able to identify the ones who are doing it only so as to look like a part of the crowd. Try this next time - I am sure you too will see someone like that.

A simple question - "Do we need to bring our spouses in as part of the 'joke' to enjoy and have fun together? Aren't there plenty other topics for us to choose from?"

Sorry Ajith, for this long reply but I hope it makes you think a little - after all that is what communication is supposed to do - open our eyes to other people's point of you.

Have a fun day!

alka1960 · Jan 4, 2010

hi winpie
a very interesting post i must say. during 25yrs of my marriage i must accept facing such situation more so becoz of extrovert nature of my DH. most of times it was intented to be cutting a joke at my expanse. but i was always uncomfortable with such kind of behaviour. lately whenever it happend my response to such jokes was inherent insecurity of males giving them false notion of superiority over females. which hv put him at right place in any future gathering.

ShilpaMa · Jan 4, 2010

Winpie.. In my first yr of marriage.. my DH & his fly used to say - "I feel I'm the wife in this marriage".... JOKINGLY in front of all... to which I finally replied.. ok fine if that boost ur ego then let it be that fact... also since I take all initiatives I'm the guy.... also that u had so many dominating personalities around you that probably you never learnt how to behave like a guy I guess...
That was it ..... FULL STOP on the fifth & final uttarance... & he started taking "few" responsibilities.

Also his mother used to mention every now n then esp on his new food choices... that "he eats it since he's scared of you else he would never eat it when I would cook it.. altho my style is totally different" :bonk... when she herself mentioned that my FIL used to throw the food she used to cook if it was bad & sometimes she herself used to throw it once she felt that taste/ look was bad. On her consequent mentions one fine day I asked her... ur so obsessed with this statement btw did u get it urself from ur ILs!!!! One more reason on her list to hate me.. but I never heard it again :biglaugh!!!

winpie · Jan 8, 2010

Hi Alka & ShilpaMa,
There hasn't been any activity on this thread for a long time and I thought it had died out. To see new comments shows this is something many women face.

Women have found different ways to cope with such incidents and some have come up with great comebacks in reply.

Where our culture has been lacking in is teaching our men sensitivity - maybe because it is considered to be a weakness.

A little bit of consideration and a little bit of sensitivity and such situations would never arise. That would be the day of true equality between spouses.

alka1960 · Jan 9, 2010

hi winpie
talking abt insensitivity in males towards woman cause reminds me of an article read sometime back in newspaper. according to the article it seems tht as such males r not aware at all from childhood abt the effect their casual remarks n action have on phsyche of we females. n the responsibility for this i will put on shoulder of we woman only to make our sons sentitive n responsible enough for their actions directed towards female folks

ShilpaMa · Jan 11, 2010

Alka I totally agree with a generic cateogry of ppl who really dont know how to deal with ladies..
But then wht to say abu guys & ladies who're very careful of the words they select for their sisters & daughters but not for wife / DIL.

WInpie.. thanks.. i never realised that it was an old post... yes I faced it several times on supper table/ get tog.. I think post marriage they feel that they have the right to mock on the other person just becos that person is different to you & also to validate their aggressiveness by creating a false air that they're living in some sort of suppression/ fear & hence retaliating.
Its only when u answer back they know that the horns are developing & they better cover their A**.