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ABCD???......Who is that......??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by friend2009, Jan 6, 2010.

  1. friend2009

    friend2009 New IL'ite

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    Hi all:

    I met my niece during holidays. She is married since 2 yrs now. She is born and raised in the US. Her hubby is born and raised in India and moved to US for better job prospects. They are happily married. During the time we met my niece told me that one thing that sets her off is the word ABCD (American Born Confused Desis) used by her hubby towards her. It really pissed me off too but then I kept my cool. I really do not like that term either. Her husband was there when she told us this. I asked him "Who is confused here?" and "What makes you all think that person born and raised here is confused"?
    My niece infact knows how to read and write our language and speaks quite well though with little accent. She follows some of our traditions and customs during festivals. She can say her prayers since she learned all that during her growing years in balavihar.

    I wanted to actually confront him by asking some details about history,culture etc which some folks claim know more than foreign borners but chill! I will never ever confront him because I do not want to set fire in their relationship. But just as a thought don't you agree it is wrong?

    These terms should not be used in married life....JMO! It might seriously offend the other person.

    What do you say?? How can someone brand others as 'CONFUSED'!!
    Please share your thoughts. BTW if there are foreign borners here then please pour your feelings when you hear something like this.


    Friend
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2010
  2. natpudan

    natpudan Gold IL'ite

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    hello friend,

    i agree with you - it does hurt.

    it was also nice of you not to interfere in their personal affairs. like you said if you did, it might have added more confusion.

    he is not an ABCD but he is mr. confucious.

    bcos he was confused, he got married to an ABCD.
     
  3. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, I don't think there is anything wrong in the term (yep... am ready)

    We are comparing (1) a person born and brought up India, a society with the same cultural values with (2) a desi born and brought up in a foreign land, a society with a different cultural values.

    Now for (1) the cultural road is pretty much clear, right? When I say clear, I mean from their lifestyle point of view. But for (2) it is quite hard to balance it out - being a desi and also following the american culture they grew up with.

    Example. For (1) dating or having a girlfriend/boyfriend is taboo (atleast till few years back).But for (2) it's not so. Also it's peer pressure for them more here. Their parents are the first-generation immigrants and thus they are sure not to like it. So you see how frustrating it is for these kids? It happens in every aspect of their life from the way they want to dress, to their religious belief and what not.

    more later ;)
     
  4. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree with Nandshyam. ABCD is used typically because a 'foreign borner' grows up under daily influence of two distinctly separate cultures. At some point in their lives, there arises a dilema as to which cultural outlook and viewpoints to be followed for the rest of their lives. This dilema can cause a lot of confusion. Compared to an indian born person who settles in USA later on in life.

    Now, if the name-calling is irritating her, then she can call him FOB = Fresh off the Boat, lol! I call my friends ABCDs & they certainly retort with FOB. Its quite harmless here actually.
     
  5. monikakrishna76

    monikakrishna76 New IL'ite

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    please both you and neice should take it in the right spirit.
    i am sure he was only pulling leg., be sporty.
     
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    ABCD is an apt term no doubt, the first generation Indians want their offspring to be Indian in thought , never date an angrez or heavens forbid marry one ! Dating a black is not done at all ! They roam around with janam patris and get marriages held in the X-mas holidays when there are no mahurats to be sure!
    If there is mixed marriage then the Indian one should be performed first and then the church, registered one ! A greencard and citizenship is the ultimate but a DIL born and brought up in India is sought after as she will be docile (!) and not create a fuss . But an desi Son IL is a tough cookie !
    All this makes the ABCD more confused ! A perfect marriage is between two ABCDs.
     
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    ABCD term may have been used jokingly. I personally dont find FOB or ABCD offensive.

    However a joke is only as long as the other person finds it as a joke. She finds it offensive, then her hubby can stop calling her that.
     
  8. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Ooops..I just saw your last line after typing the below.I am not a foreign born but still cud not help posting this.

    I never thought ABCD is a phrase used for defaming/demeaning others.Hmm,..This is a news to me.

    I think there is nothing to worry about it and your niece should not give much importance to it.If her hubby had really thought that ABCDs(sorry not used as a wrong term here) are bad then he would not have married her in first place.He must be joking.

    Tell your niece that she needs to take it sportingly and ignore his comments.He will get used to not using the term when he sees no reaction.NOONE CAN PUT YOU DOWN WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell ur niece to tell her DH.... he's a IBCMA (India Born Confused Moved to America)!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2010
  10. drmchsraj

    drmchsraj New IL'ite

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    hello..it's just a name?! it'd be the same if he calls her a 'shortie' (cos of her height).

    however, if he is seriously associating and stereotyping her into a box, every occasion he gets, irrelevantly, she can do a lot more than get annoyed and grin and bear it.
    leave it to them, i think she can take care of her own!
    (and oh, shilpama, as 12adityas said, he is rightly called FOB. ibcma just doesn't have that offensive ring to it ;)!)
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2010

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