Depressed !!

Hi Vamsi,

My story has also been the same as yours. I was married with two kids. My husband was averse to a social life and was always busy between work and home. I had to go to parties and outings with my kids. It was almost as if i was a single parent. But, you know what? One day, I took the law in my own hands and decided to change things for us.

I started inviting friends alongwith their families for 'surprise' visits, nothing major. He had no choice but to be civil to them. Slowly and surely he realised that he had been missing out on fun and gave in.

Later, it was him who started inviting friends over and a birth of a new "Social Life" started. Hope this helps in any way.

 

Vamsi

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been in your shoes before. When we are in a foreign land and don't have any relatives, it is very hard if don't make friends and don't have social life.

In my case, since we are a regular church going family, it was not that hard to meet people on a weekly basis. I am a very easy going social person but making friends is not easy for me as I have to meet the right people. It took long time, but now we have so many friends and so many social activities.

Don't think that 12 yrs is too long with out much social activities. There is a time for everything. I don't know where you can meet people but try to meet people with almost same age as your kids. Once in a while invite them to your home and see where it takes. If it is comfortable enough, try to go together for trips. If you see anything is not working out, try something different.
Good Luck.

 

Vamsi

Social life is about something that you have to be ready for. There is a difference b/w wanting a social life and planning /working towards it.

If you want to have friends/neighbours,parties, potlucks, play dates, kitty parties, festival celebrations etc...you have to start going to such parties and plan for few of such parties at your home too.

Shaking off your husband/your habit of being left out at your home all by yourself sounds a bit tough , but again if you are feeling down, get up and do something about it.

Plan a nice weekend get together for a small group. Arrange some game night kind. play cards/bingo/dumbsharades. you can find lots of ideas for such parties here on IL. all you need to do is take initiative , plan and work on it. Initially it would be tiring as your husband wants to left alone, but again slowly he too would be itnerested, reason ...who doesnt like to have company??? everyone likes it! Only thing is they dont know where to start!

By the way when you sayyou tried all that and it didnt work??? what didnt work? you didnt like the friends/ your husband iddnt like?. whta made you guys just stop meeting or inviting people oveR??

 

Vamsi

I have to give you this example of my friend, and see how having a good social circle helps in our daily activities also.

My friend has couple of Indian neighbours in their community and they also have kids and as they all are in the same school district they go to same school. They all take turns to drop and pick up kids from the classes or weekend they all babysit each others kids that way atleast once in a week one couple gets free time at home or they can go out etc.

To have a social circle / life, doesnt mean that all our friends should have the same wavelength as us. Not every human being things alike. so why this expectation? Let them be what they are and man being a social being, we need some company around or else we just get bored n monotonous (thats what you are feeling now).

When something didnt work dont just quit, find out other ways to make it a success. So your husband didnt like your friends/neighbours? what was his comments? what wavelenght is he expecting.

Now coming to weekends, why dont you make friends iwth other kids moms at the ballet classes and check if you guys can take turns to drop n pick up kids. You can also invite those kids to your place and let your kids have good time. or else even your kids would feel that slowly of not having any good friends or outside life apart from family.

Meanwhile, make an arrangement with your husband that you both would take turns to drop kids. that way you are dragging him out and also you too need rest isnt it??Pls dont try to be a SUPER MOM or SUPER WOMAN. ASK for help there is nothing wrong in it. When your husband gruntles or complains, tell him if you had some social circle, all of you could have teamed up.

Dont give up on what you like. You can always work things out. Life is short enjoy it.

 

hi vamsi

i agree with srividya, that dont give up so easily. You can take turns in dropping and picking kids, babysitting like she said.

Ok. Start doing something for yourself, like you join for yourself

1. Balle Classes,
2. Swimming Classes,
3. Skating classes
4. Music classes.
5. Drawing classes

I am sure you will enjoy.

Now what is happening is you always doing everything for everyone else, and not doing anything for yourself, or your own growth.

Yes you can make friends with kids mom, who come to ballet classes. Then decide to have mom only parties. Plan movies with them.

Also go to spa once in a while. It is really fantastic and it will make you feel good.

 

Hi Vamsi,

I think you need to figure out what is exactly that you want. I know it sounds very glamorous to have a very active social life (parties every weekend etc) but you have to ask are you really up to it? I am honestly not, and am a very low-key person. Also I completely understand your wavelength issue, myself and DH are both like that. We can both easily chat to people at parties and make small conversation but we really need to be on the same "wavelength" in order to make lasting deeper friendships. So I am fine with having fewer friends and my gatherings are smaller, more intimate, one-on-one family gatherings. Rest of the weekends etc we just do things as a family.

So try to figure out what you want - do you miss interacting with people? Do you miss the enjoyment of going to parties, events etc? If it is just the interaction maybe you can do playdates with moms of kids your age. Maybe join a moms meetup group. Or join a class/hobby and ask DH to do the weekend chauffering.

If you really want to go to parties and do the social rounds then you have to start having parties at your place - and if your DH is really miserable with that or does not enjoy I don't see what can be done.

 

Hi Vamsi,

First of all - you are not alone in this. I guess you would've realized by now. My husband and I are both consultants - so we travel most of the time. Hence it becomes quite an ordeal for us to socialize.

In your case - did you try talking to your husband about this? I wonder what the reason is for him not wanting to socialize - perhaps he is a bit shy and would open up once he gets to know people..

Are you having difficulty meeting people or socializing with them? If it's meeting people with your same wavelength - perhaps you can try joining some organization (AID, ASHA etc), or join some classes, join a book club etc depending on your interests. That way you end up meeting people with similar interests.

I hope that helped. Goodluck in finding new friends.

Best,
Deepa