I'm heart-broken...

SoftGal · Dec 20, 2009

Ladies,
I am posting in this section, but moderators, if you think this would fit some other section, please donot hesitate to move, for this is about my parents .

I've come here with a strange issue.. REALLY strange. I've constantly been amazed with the suggesstions and help you have to offer. I wish to pour my heart out here and get some advices and help.

I am confused as to where to start here.. So I'm coming to the point directly.
Ours is a respectable, nice and small family - My parents/ brother and me. We were doing quite well academically, financially and I came here after wedding(100% arranged) and have a little daughter now. Things were going quite well.

One fine day my mom tried committing suicide.. Yes.. I'm NOT joking ladies.. She tried to burn herself down but was fortunately saved by my dad. But the effect was little too severe to get back to anything close to normal life. This happened just a few months back and this has turned the plate of the whole family emotionally, financially, physically and you name it....

The reason my mom gives on this is numerous and she says everyone has attributed to her decision. And she says she went into DEEP depression. But repents her act now. She claims that my dad was NEVER supportive towards her. My dad had gotten transferred to a different town (B - NOT a city) from A (city) wheremost of our relatives live. In town B she was totally alone all the time - no-one to talk to and a few family issues. My brother is going to marry a girl of his choice.. My mom initially was ok but then was not. And many many more issues.. Seems petty but she says she WAS affected by numerous issues.

I'm tormented emotionally sitting miles and miles away not knowing what to do. My mom had been everything to me. She was bold, courageous, stood for us all the time. I'm even now shocked that my mom took such a decision not thinking about anyone in the family. My dad is ashamed and feels completely shaken and lost by my mom's act.

I'll answer your queries regarding this happening as you ask, for there is little too much to talk abt it and I'm at loss of words now. Though our family did very well earlier, now we feel like a bunch of losers.. seriously..

I'm VERY angry with my mom. These days whenever I talk to her, I'm not pleasant and keep pointing her mistake. My DH is VERY supportive towards me and says my behavior might trigger a second attempt which may be true. I'm just tormented emotionally day in and day out...

Happysoul1234 · Dec 20, 2009

Softgal I understand your pain and anger at your mom. But this time you should not be thinking of yourself but your mom. Depression is a terrible thing to suffer from, I feel, it is more painful than a physical disease. Circumstances drove your mom to depression, and the last stage of depression is suicide. You are lucky that your dad was able to save your mom and give you all a chance to show her how loved she is . My dad went into depression, committed suicide and we were left holding the broken pieces of our lives. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and be postive and 100% supportive of your mom. She needs words of encouragement, positive reinforcement and lots n lots of love from all of you. It's the least you can do as a daughter.

sandu · Dec 20, 2009

Dear SoftGal,
Sorry to hear your story. Thank God your mother was rescued by your dad. I sincerely hope she does not commit this mistake again.
- Does your mother show any sign of repentance now? Does she feel she did that in a hurry and will never think of doing it again?
- Since your mother says that everyone has contributed to her depression, can you ask her gently what was the mistake on your part? May be it is loneliness in the new town, or she is missing you. But I feel you must go forward and ask her what you can do to make her feel better. Sometimes, we never know what action of ours might have hurt them.
- How supportive is your father?
- Is your mother going through menopause?
- Suicide by trying to immolate oneself... there are easier ways to commit suicide. Why did your mother choose this way? Sorry to suggest this, but are you sure it was not an accident?

Probably the combination of the loss of city life and the love marriage of your brother has upset her so much. Does she get along with the fiancee of your brother? Try to make your mom confide in you. It is more natural for mothers to confide in their daughters than in their sons, I think. Please be patient with her.

Whatever it is, you must cut down on your urge to blame your mother. It is not going to help her. Kind words, an understanding person and a shoulder to lean on are all that she needs now. Let her pour out her worries to someone she trusts... if necessary, try to snatch a few weeks off your schedule and visit her and give her comfort. Or, even bring her to your house for a couple of weeks for a change. May be you can arrange for them to consult a psychologist if necessary. Above all, make her feel that she is indispensable to your family. Good luck!
Regards,
Sandhya

lavii · Dec 20, 2009

SoftGal
i am sorry about that incident
but lets see the best part even after this worst incident
1) your mom survived yea i agree she will not be normal anymore but yes alive
2) your husband is very supportive here
3)your mom is repenting now for whatever happenend
Buddy when some one is in depression they really dono what they are doing and attemting sucide cannot be done in 1 day she will have that thoughts for a while and more chances she expresses it someway or other indirectly
she may not have said you but could have indirectly told your dad or bro
being alone we dono how much agony she had and she did this
we cant change wat happened before
but yes future will be in our hands dear
please stop pointing her mistake as she realised it and she is suffering for it
be patient talk to her enquire her problems be empathetic
please dont try talking about that incident again

flowerlady · Dec 20, 2009

You are feeling bad because your normal happy family picture got spoiled. Your mom said that she was feeling let down by everybody including you. If you do not sympathise with your own mom now I wonder if you were a great DD earlier..
This is time for introspection , why not look deep down in your own heart instead of torturing the poor lady further ?
Sometimes parents do not burden their kids with problems , maybe there is something serious which has disturbed her.
A suicide attempt is a cry for help , and burning oneself is too much. Instead of blaming your mom and raving and ranting send her for counselling along wth your dad.
Do not call up your mom if you dislike her so much. If you cannot say kind words ,at least do not be harsh to her.

shubhavasudevan · Dec 20, 2009

Dear Softgal

I read about your mom. I can very well understand her situation. I would like to share my thoughts too in this regard. Mostly Indian women devote their time,life and everything to their family and chidren. They hardly spend time and money on themselves. I presume your mother is not a working woman.

For many woman when she is in her mid years the chidren are grown up and lead their own life. And the husband also have their own things to attend too. So the lady is suddenly left all by herself and depression can occur very easily

You should understand your mom's situation . She must be feeling very lonely in the new place. You have to show your maximum support to her by talking to her or if you could spend some time with her it will be great. If you cannot go to India may be she can visit you if she could get anybody to accompany her. A change of place and staying with you and your daughter can bring some cheer toher. Talk to her as often as you can. Donot talk about what she did. Never mention abt that. Ask her to join some group of her interest. She can join some music or bhajan classes or help in some organisation where they need volunteers. She has to get the feeling that someone needs her help and support. She can even take care of her neighbours children for a few hrs in a day.

I have come across many woman in their midlife crisis hence writing my suggestions. Hope you don't mind them.

regards
shubha vasudevan

Rakhii · Dec 21, 2009

I am so sorry to hear about mom. One question though, is she getting professional help? Like counseling? Perhaps it would be a good idea so that she doesnt attempt again.
Sometimes we fail to notice signs about what people are telling us through their subtle actions. Its sad that she had taken this drastic step but when people are depressed, they do not think about good/bad etc. They are completely drowned in their misery. So they cannot think rationally. While it is certainly difficult to act normal with her while you dont feel normal inside, still, try to be there for her. I mean...she already is going through trauma. Why make things worst for her? If you are looking for any answers like why she let you all down, there is time for it. When she is completely back to normal (which will take time), you can ask her. More than likely, she will tell you herself. For now, all i can say is try to be normal with her.

SoftGal · Dec 21, 2009

Dear ladies,

Thank you for your kind words and support.

Pmahensa, I am really sorry for the loss that your family had to take. I understand how it would be to lose the head of the family. Yes DEPRESSION is a killer and I now understand it.

Flowerlady, Thank you for your reply. My writing about 'my family ' I didn't mean MY family (myself, DHand DD ), I actually meant my dad and brother. Yes. What you say is right. If my temper towards her is not good, I shouldn't be talking to her that day or until I cool off..

Lavii, Shubha and Sandhya (Sandu), Thank you for your kind words. Yes.My mom was undergoing menopause. She was constantly telling me and my brother that she feels very lonely in that house.My dad used to come from work not less than 8.30pm everyday. She has also told my dad about her loneliness many times. Like many households a woman's lamenting was left unheard here. Or rather the situation was like it(killing the loneliness) had to take a back seat. Adding to it, my mom agreed to my brother's wedding outwardly, but looks like heart of hearts she didn't like it. Not that she didn't like the gal. But a kind of a inhibition in her mind. I guess most Indian moms have that. She was idle throughout the day sitting lonely in the house talking to the trees and birds only. Idle mind is a devil's workshop - became so true in this case. She took this evil decision on herself losing all her hopes and confidence all of a sudden.

SoftGal · Dec 21, 2009

Ladies,

I'm pondering over the same again. My mom was very bold and courageous and has taken so many right steps in our lives which at times were against her in-laws or even her mom/sisters. She NEVER stopped herself from doing service to the society.. She has helped in the education of quite a few needy people financially. She is loved by everyone in the family/ extended family. Everyone treats her opinion very important and valuable. With all these how could she have thought of doing something so drastic?

Thank you Rakhii for your kind words. Yes.She lacks the rational thinking.. And yes. I didn't question her or get angry at her until yesterday when something triggered the spark. But what you said is true... I need to be there for her at this time and always..

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NISHA BALAJI · Dec 21, 2009

Dear Soft gal...

I do not know if i could even handle such a tough situation ...

But i can only say that Please support her...your words will help her tell her probs to u...
Ask her what she feels...

Depression hurts and it can be treated...

Suicide is the accute stage ....and should be consulted by a doctor...

Please do not take depression easy ...It can ruin lifes

Please keep all of us posted with the recovery of ur mother..

All the very best

Nisha