did you DH ever say sorry for his misbehavior?

anjalika400 · Dec 17, 2009

Did your DH ever say sorry for saying harsh slang words during an argument? As far as my case goes, my DH first had badmouthed me for misplacing some stuff and I was shocked to death to hear such vulgar slang from a so called educated person with middle class values.He never apologized after that incident and since then whenever there were any arguments or any slightest faults from my side he never missed a chance to badmouth with his intolerable slang vocabulary.He never spares me during my pregnancy stage too.I feel he is generally a headstrong and hot headed person with a lack of sophistication and politeness.But I always wonder what kind of an upbringing a person must have received to throw such nasty words so easily towards his own wife as if he is talking to some trash girl.And he never was apologetic for any of his behaviors .I just hate and disrespect him so much now that all his good attributes look insignificant to me.I feel left out ,depressed and can never stop regretting for my decision to get into such a relationship where there is no respect,happiness and peace of mind .I am more than worried what my unborn baby is going to learn now and what will be its repercussion.when people ask me to be happy and stress free, I realize how difficult it is to be just happy. Every time I console myself that things like these happen with a lot of girls and try to get over it, something else happens and he is full on again.I can't let go things again and again and I am in tears when I even try to pen down my experience here.
I feel like aside from all household work which are considered "nothing to do at home" , the only way a girl can gain respect if she is contributing to her DH's financial plan.

rosegirl · Dec 17, 2009

MY husband does not use bad words but tells some very hurting things in an argument and never apologizes.

I think your husband is badmouthing because you are taking that without any resistance. If you are firm and put you foot down and say NO more trash talk, then he will get the message. next time he uses it just stop talking with him for however long it takes till he apologizes or just walk out and come back after sometime to show your protest.

If you keep taking it, he is coolly give it to you. Next the hitting will follow ... put a stop NOW.

lavii · Dec 17, 2009

my dh never used abusive language i remember even in worst situation he can try keeping his calm...i cant i speak what i want to doesnt mean abusive but yes i shout yell sometimes which he never does...he always says keep your calm ..some people are like that trust me educated or uneducated a person should remember basic ethics first.and i dont belive this happens to only home makers ..
my suggestion when you know he started abusive lang move out the place ..listen to music watch tv etc so they get tired and stop that

Nandshyam · Dec 17, 2009

(1) Why are you listening to it and not doing anything?

I know you are pregnant, but this verbal abuse has to stop now or not you but your baby will start growing up hearing it. Is that what you want?

People make mistakes. We are not God. If we do some mistakes, one can point it out and show their frustration to a level. There is a limit. But that's where it ends.

You are an adult. You will not take any crap from anyone, even if its your husband. Put that in your head first.

Tell him very clearly you will not encourage such things anymore.
Tell him clearly it shows how much he respects women, including his mom.
Tell him you are not going to hear this anymore and have the child in such a nasty environment.
Tell him you are his wife and you deserve to be treated that way.

Be strong. Good luck !

anjalika400 · Dec 17, 2009

"Tell him very clearly you will not encourage such things anymore.
Tell him clearly it shows how much he respects women, including his mom.
Tell him you are not going to hear this anymore and have the child in such a nasty environment.
Tell him you are his wife and you deserve to be treated that way."

I warned him very seriously and told him all the points mentioned in the previous post.I also wrote him a very serious mail before.It is not that I keep accepting his bs . I even told him that how they would feel if it happens with his sister or her parents.He would just keep silent and wont's say a thing. Never commits anything and things will come back again later.he did that in front of my ils after my marriage and they all were silent .Nobody said a single thing about the way he behaved.And when he shout at them, they all remain silent and digest everything.I did understand that it is very normal for them and they expect me to do the same.When he said some harsh words about my dad and myself after my wedding, I felt so helpless that i called up my ils and told what he said.My ils couldn't even understand why can't we live peacefully.They ignored my statement that he told me bad things , rather they twisted the statement as why we both can't remain together happlily. I was so immature that I kept crying over the phone and said he never revealed this side of his before marriage. His mom immediately said how could it be possible that a person will change overnight after the wedding as if they have no clue about his rough behavior.Then his sis came on the line and said I think he is hurt for some reason, that's why he is behaving like that.
during my next india trip I understood that it is his standard behavior at home which is indulged and not protested ever.And those bunch of jerky liars acted like it is our problem to adjust with each other.It is been more than 4/5 years that happened and each and every thing is as prominent as day light in my mind.When he misbehaved during our first India visit, they were all silent. I couldn't stop crying and he mom said there are so many things happen in a girl's life . I had my share of problems woth ils blah blah.. we need to compromise..I looked up at her and she didn't look upset at all. I still don't know if that was a happy face to see me being humiliated by their son or it was just my misinterpretation . God only knows.But I heard the waring bell and kept them aloof from every other thing happening in my life thereafter.
the only thing I can do is stop talking to him completely.that's it.

rosegirl · Dec 17, 2009

anjalika400 said: ↑

the only thing I can do is stop talking to him completely.that's it.
Click to expand...

Please do that. Your inlaws adjusting to it does not mean you have to follow their path. Its their son, even if he hits them with a chappal they will take it. You are a wife- he gives respect, he gets respect. Its not a natural relationship like mother-son, sister-brother etc, its a man-made relationship, so the spouse cant take each other for granted and they only receive what they give. So your husband has to learn that surely.

If an angry email and lots of lecture is not changing then next time just stop talking or pack your bags and leave to your mom's place.

Or use the same words he is using on him and let him feel painful and horrible.

You need to grow a spine or you will be treated like trash forever. This treatment is absolutely not ok.

anjalika400 · Dec 17, 2009

hi rosegirl,
had I been in india, i would have certainly done that. packed my bag and move to my place. Moreover I guess he would think twice before saying anything offensive if we were in India because he knows i have my friends and family there.I don't have relatives living here.And applying his words on him, trust me , I did that eventually, not just once, several times. he didn't seem hurt or upset atleast not apparently.

ras09 · Dec 17, 2009

My DH always apologizes for his misbehavior... Almost at the end of every argument.
He never abused me but his talks are hurtful as he never stand for me.
But i m worried abt his habit of throwing things in anger.
He throws whatever is there in his hands.
He has already broken his mobile, our wall clock, one coffee mug etc. He throws things like pen, pillow... whatever is there in his hands...
When he broke this coffee mug.. he threw it on the floor where i was standing and eventually it cut my finger.
so i m scared of his this behavior. He says that he needs to pour his anger somewhere so he throw things to get out of his anger. I made him angry.
The only reason for our arguments is my In Laws. According to him.. he feels helpless between wife and parents.
He never say anything to his parents. But i m happy that he apologize every time even if its a verbal argument.

sricharani · Dec 17, 2009

Just stop talking to him, until he mends his ways. Be strong and dont budge if he tries to pacify you. He might start using abusive words sooner or later again. Be strong and clear in your message that you will not take any more abusive words from him . People treat us in the way we allow them to treat us.

Priya16 · Dec 17, 2009

Anjalika,

Even in my house,me and my husband have different temper.
In my husband family,can't beleive it they all shout main for money and they all will be normal in next minute.Especially my MIL ,whenever she visits she fought with the sons just for money matters and she will be alright in next minute.I can't even think of it myself doing that way.
Even in the house my husband can shout on something and immediatly he will act normal.
In your case,your husband might have brought up in such environemt.So whoever brought up that way they don't feel any dime about it.Because they knew that from there childhood.The opposite person only get humiliated.
Do you know the driving.Keep one dress with you,whenever he starts some shouting,take the car and kid and go outside for sometime.
Does he gets calm down after the shouting?