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Malathi And Her Mother-in-law - A Real Life Story!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varalotti, Jan 29, 2006.

  1. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    how about MILs like Malathi- world would be a better place to live in!!

    Hello Sridhar,

    Malathi basically seems to be a good-natured woman. she had a good heart and maybe thanks to her parents liberal attitude, she would have learnt much more in life than her counterparts - Malathi was very matured and understood relationships better.

    I do agree with you in saying most of the woman who undergo such dilemmas in life, loose hope later and become a wreck and lead a life of the dead. They would live without a purpose and all their life they would only be talking about what they underwent and what they never got. I've witnessed ladies who never bothered to raise their own children nor developed a good relationship with people around. they can never appreicate good things in others and strive to cause problems and can't stand to see others happy. just because they suffered, they feel others shld also suffer.

    what I appreciate the most is her ability to blossom into a beautiful flower and make the world around her fragrant; inspite of the odds. .
    but I do find her lucky in a way that she could move out and had a chance to breathe-free and have control on her life. But again we need to appreciate the fact that she never misused that to avenge her mil or to sow seeds of negative deeds into her children's mind and that made sure they grew into such good children and further to have such adorable grand children..

    Normally they say a woman can make or break a home. here I see a beautiful example of making a home. I only pray God to lend us that extra maturity to handle affairs of the home.
    this story is one good example of how a woman can make a home and more.

    Luckily, Malathi's MILs only problem was the fear that she'll loose her son to her DIL. but the reasons for torture these days seems nothing but for pleasure. In-laws torturing DILs for mere fun and the attitude that they have all right to do so. Feel sorry for them. thanks to nuclear families, a lot of such encounters have been avoided.

    Like Sharada rightly put it - let's learn to give love & respect to earn the same from others. Lets listen to different kinda MIL-DIL stories in the future.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2006
  2. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    do admire her

    I do admire her - because I know that I can never be like her! The times, the circumstances and Malathi's maturity in disliking the act and not the person shows that she's a very accepting and forgiving individual. When children make a mistake it is important to correct them; at the same time you should not make them feel that "they are not good enough" or that you dislike them. But when adults deliberately try to pull you down, taunt and destroy your self-worth and self-esteem I think the dil should retaliate.
    Time is one commodity that no amount of money can buy. And Malathi lost precious years putting up with baseless accusations. There must be many unsung Malathis in our circle - my anger levels rise at the injustice meted out to these women. I can't alter Malathi's yesterdays, nor will her youth return - but I wish for her every happiness today and tomorrow. If you meet her again tell her that I feel as if I know her and that wherever she is I will support her staunchly. In any crisis if she needs someone to fight her battles, tell her I'm there.
    Sharada
     
  3. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Sharada - For The Support!

    I am moved by your kind words and shall definitely tell Malathi about your support. You have put it poetically in your own inimitable style, that there are many unsung Malathis in our midst. Very true. From one point of view Malathi is no different from thousands of other women who married in the 60s and got opressed by their mils and neglected by their husbands. But almost all of them have become hardened, insensitive, and carry so much of bitterness with them thaty they repeat the same things (many times worse) to their dils. And they normally end up as old hags with nothing to do.
    But Malathi did not carry hatred. She finally won over her mil, though it was too late for all practical purposes. And to crown all she has blossomed into a much sought-after Counsellor with her own website. At this age to be needed by thousands of others, to be sought by the young, is something rare. That made me to post her story.
    I am even more touched by your expression of solidarity with Malathi. I think all the members of IL will stand by you in that beautiful expression.
    Thanks once again,
    sridhar
     
  4. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Wonderful Compliments To A Wonderful Lady!

    Hello Meena,
    I am very happy and proud that you captured the exact spirit of the thread. I never said that Malathi is unique in her sufferings. As Sharada put it poetically there are thousands of unsung Malathi's in our midst. But what makes Malathi unique is that she kept her mind free from hatred and bitterness. And what makes her story wonderful is that she made her mil to realise it ultimately, though it was too late for Malathi.
    Had she attempted to retalliate for her mil's actions more than anything else Malathi's life would have been a disaster. Her children's lives would have been worse disasters. Malathi intelligently averted that and that makes her special.

    And your words make the most appropriate compliments to Malathi:

    "what I appreciate the most is her ability to blossom into a beautiful flower and make the world around her fragrant; inspite of the odds. "

    But I wish to emphasise again that Malathi's mil was basically good. If a mil is inherently evil then Malathi's strategy of love might have hurt her. But God would never let that happen. When you employ love as your strategy you are automatically roping in God as your ally in the battlefield of life. When God is you ally, you'll have nothing but sweet victories.

    I want to add one more thing, Meena. Now that Malathi had grown into a tender, loving woman, we all would expect that her relationship with her dil would be fantastic. But in her case that was not true. I'll post her dil's story after some time. There also she had to give her love first and then win over her dil.
    More about it in a separate post after discussion on Malathi's mil role is completed.
    I wish to repeat, meena, that you have captured the very spirit of the thread. I shall definitely tell Malathi about it. She will be very happy to know about your kind words of wisdom.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  5. vidhukumar

    vidhukumar Senior IL'ite

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    Well,
    i completely agree with Sharada here.I dont think any amount of money can buy the precious years that she lost with her husband!!i feel the husband wife relationship is the most wonderful and amazing relationship there can be.......more so in the olden days because,this is where two perfect strangers marry and lead a sacred life of love,faith and responsibility(it is very easy to love our family with whom we grow up)!!!girls leave their home,their parents,their surroundings...everything!!!and love(or learn to love)not only her husband but his family too.......i feel she should be given atleast 1/10th of the love she gives......you can be a mother,a sister or freind to anyone in the world!!but YOU CAB BE A WIFE ONLY TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!and thats why i think this relationship is so holy........i feel sorry that malathi has lost out in experiencing this holy relationship....at the same time i appreciate her for diverting her mind constructively and becoming a self made woman that she is today!!!i would have atleast discussed my feelings with my husband.
     
  6. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    thanks for throwing light into our lives with this post.......

    Hello Sridhar,

    Just wanna add one more thing - when Malathi got a chance to move out & be on her own; she never stopped meeting her MIL nor did she stop her children from doing it - I feel that one act would've put her MILs fear to rest. Just that one action of Malathi would've proved her MIL that she is not there to snatch her son.
    but also in a nice way showed she also needs to share her life with her hubby.
    - Action Spoke More Than Words Could.

    when the MILs problem was solved, why did her hubby not show his love / share his feelings / not take her out, etc................. - why didn't Malathi's Husband share any interest with her?? why didn't he move around ?? was he the same with the kids also?? or did he spend good time with kids?? did he take the kids out or no??

    I feel to shower love on somebody who has so much hatred on u, is something unbelievable and u need the greatest strength & highest level of maturity to do that. That makes this lady OUTSTANDING, SPECIAL, FANTASTIC, ADORABLE, LOVABLE, ...................................................

    any normal human would've completely cut off from the MIL and lived on their own without any interaction. But malathi's action only shows how much she values relationship and she strived hard to erase the hatred between relationship. I honour that action of hers and adore her for whatever she is today. No wonder people go to her for counselling cause she knows exactly how to handle relationships fm her own experiences.

    Though not all would end up sweet and nice, this particular person has done something unique and she definitely stands apart. Wish I had someone like her in our family tooo. just one person like her and the whole generation would benefit from it.

    Before I finish, I must share a secret with you, Sridhar. I read this as you were posting but I replied only after few days. the reason - to be frank, my first reaction was negative.. I had a why????????????? at the end of every para; I revolted against Malathi's action and whole of those few days my mind was only arguing about why this?? & why not that??? but I took sometime and read it again and again and I understood the intensity of her actions. Her love conquered me too.

    this mail really made me think a lot. I ate, slept, prayed, played with this post in my mind for few days - as MIL problem is universal and each and everyone of us have a story and a excuse to share. Maybe I wouldn't have understood this mail a few years back but now it really makes a difference.

    there's a saying, A smile confuses an approaching frown - here the love confused the hatred and finally shattered it and erased it out of MILs mind.

    I don't how many can follow Malathi but I do pray God to give me the strength, maturity & patience to handle difficult situations in life as far as relationships are concerned. From now on, my looking at situations might be different thanks to this post.

    I sincerely thank you and Malathi for sharing such a personal story and giving us some positive options to handle difficult situations in life.

    Pls do pass on my sincere thanks to this SPECIAL WOMAN - who'll live in my thoughts always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2006
  7. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    You have captured the very essence, Meena!

    Hello Meena,
    Your reply has given raise to many questions which I have to answer now. But let me say for the second time that you have captured the very quintessence of this thread.
    Yes, you are right. Though Malathi set up a separate house she visited her mil virtually every day. And to cap it all she was bullshitted by her mil every time she visited her. To sustain love and to allow her children to move with their grandmother in these circumstances makes Malathi a rare phenomenon.
    Why does not her husband shower her love when they went alone? This by far is the most complex question, Meena. Meena, I don't know your age. My age should be midway between Malathi's and yours. And moreover as this matter relates to husbands, I think I can have a say in this.
    Now for the husbands of 60s 'to shower love on one's wife' was not the in thing or the done thing. I have heard from my uncles and aunts, that even if you as much as talk to your wife when somebody else is present you will be teased by the elders. Some might even shout at the husbands.
    So I find nothing unusual in Shiva not taking his wife out even after he went alone. To Malathi, Shiva is a hero. She can't tolerate my blaming him.

    But as I judged Malathi the wounds in her heart are still fresh - she has forgiven her mil, but I think, (it is only my conjecture) she finds it difficult to forgive him for not taking her out even once. One main problem in Malathi's case is the vast difference in outlook between Shiva's family and hers. Had she also come from a conservative family like Shiva's this would not have been a problem for her. I tell you, Meena, Malathi's clever words and her beating around the bush could not conceal her internal injury concerning Shiva.

    But over the years, Shiva compensated for that, at least partially. He does not make any demands on Malathi these days which gives a free hand to her to spend more than 8 hours a day before the computer, managing her website and counselling her clients. In my opinion, the harm has been done and there is no way Shiva can compensate for that. As Sharada or Vidhu put it Malathi's young years are lost for ever.

    Now coming to children Malathi confided in me that they do not interact with their father in the same way they interact with their mother. When the children call and Shiva picks up the phone, they say hello and immediately ask for their mother. Reason, they could not bond with their father who did not demonstrate his affection. This is the fate of many fathers of those days, Meena.

    My reaction was the same as yours. Soon after I heard Malathi's story, I only felt an inner rage. Why did this woman did not kill her mil and go to the gallows, I thought. As you rightly said only after the first blush of hot emotions subsided did I appreciate the undercurrent of love. If you recall, Meena, I had written in the prelude, requesting the IL members not to give their response, immediately and impulsively. That way you would be doing a great injustice to a noble soul. You have done it right, meena.
    Finally, I have to say 'Hats Off to You, Meena'. You know why? I know about your mil. (You have written about her in another thread.) I know how much you suffered. Having suffered that much under a cruel mil, it would take enormous strength of heart to praise a woman, who in similar circumstances, loved her mil. That way you are great. Hats off to you.
    One note of caution to IL members is that don't imitate Malathi's method. If you don't feel the love, if you don't feel like Malathi, dont act like her. You will only become a neurotic patient compounding your problems. These days I hear about far more cruel mils, who will make Malathi's mil appear like Mother Theresa. With such mils, just meekly loving her might be a self-destructive strategy.
    But I want to say in the end, if you can love genuinely, even those who hurt you,
    the entire Universe and the forces of nature will conspire together to ensure that you will not be harmed.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  8. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Why is no one accepting that Shiva is also a victim here? Malathy- yes,definitely an obvious victim and most of us can empathise with her. But the MIL also goofed up her own son's life by giving himfalse ideas abt his wife, wrong notions abt marriage and being a husband-is not Shiva more sinned against than sinned?
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    That's really compassionate, Vidya!

    I am very happy to learn about your compassionate outlook towards Shiva. And you are dead right, Vidhya. We all know what amount of influence a mother can have on her son's life - espcially in those days. So Shiva might have wanted to take Malathi out, might have wanted to be even more loving towards her, but thanks to his upbringing and the seeds of guilt thrown by his mother, he has been rendered helpless.
    And one more thing: we can't judge a husband of those days with the standards of these days. Those days, if a husband remains loyal to his wife and does not seek another woman and does not desert his wife is an ideal husband.
    Yes, Malathi's mil, out of her ignorance goofed up Shiva's life as well. That way she inflicted indirect injuries on Malathi.
    Thanks for the refreshingly different point of view,
    sridhar
     
  10. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Varalotti,
    You hve said that Malathy did not hate her mil. That is a uniqu trait that I appreciate in her. She was open minded and even loved her mil even when she did not get any love or concern from her mil or her husband. That is her broad mindedness which is the outcome of her education and having broadminded parents. One thing is in her favour, she was living away from her mil and she had the freedom to do what she wanted. Her husband did not restrict her in anyway even if her did not take her out or support her. So she was able to divert her mind to other things which were of interest to her and also to improve herself. You are right, not much people in their 60's are interested in anything other than watching serials on TV and lamenting about their health problems and their children. People get dejected in life when it doles out only hardships. Think about the women who are financially suffering, tey cannot think about such self development. So I appreciate her for her strength in developing such interests. But I feel there are so many unsung women who deserve to be remembered, too.Varloo
     

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