DH relationshp with your parents???

Hi,

I have been an avid reader of the posts for the last few months. Its been interesting that as I had a certain situation in my married life that I did not know how to deal with, I will look into the posts and wonderful ideas that proved to be a learning experience for me.

As far as my DH relationship with my parents, it hurts that it is so conditional. First of all, his and his family's opinion is that "I am part of his family". So, it is my immediate duty to have relationship with his parents and his family. My side of the family do not even exist for them.

It really hurts me how my parents will take each and every parent to have a relationship with my DH and he will disregard it or be very disrespectful. In my opinion a marriage is a union of two families. So, why do we have to choose?

 

Hi monica,

Welcome to Indusladies! Definitely hope you will stick around and become a new friend in this great community! :cheers

You asked as to what is our husband's relationship with our parents. I think to answer that I first have to tell my views on relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, etc.

I believe when you get married, you and your dh become a seperate family all your own. Meaning there are three families... your family, your dh's family, and then the family you and your dh create. I don't believe that when a girl marries she leaves her family to join the boy's family. Instead I believe that she along with her husband leave their respective families to start their own.

In terms of which is most important, I believe that your first priority should be your own family, as in your spouse and any children you have. Second priority should be the parents. Boys parents are not God's for birthing a son. Your parents are just as worthy of care and respect.

Although we each love our own families, we keep them at an arm's length distance. Nobody should come between me and my dh. If I have a secret to tell, I tell my dh. If I have a problem, I go to my dh. And he does the same with me. So that is what I'm meaning by keeping at arm's length distance. I think that is a good policy for both husband and wife to have. :idea

But Monica, instead of asking us how our relationships are, why not examine what is going on with your own? You said your dh is making you choose between him or your family... what has caused this to happen? How long have you been married? Perhaps if you gave us some background information about your problem, the ladies here would be more able to help you find solutions. There is really no use comparing your life to another persons because our own circumstances are all so different. It is a little bit like comparing apples to oranges! :banana

Ok Monica, take care!

 

hey monica welcome to IL! The ladies here are absolutely a delight and I hope you enjoy it here..

So getting to your question, there have been other ladies that faced similar problems with their DH and I must say it has been absolutely taxing on their lives.

Regarding your DH's issue with your parents, has there been any problems with them in the past, meaning was yours a love marriage that they initally opposed? Does your in-laws bicker about anything to him? You need to let him know, that your parents are just as important as his parents. Don't be feeble in front of him, you are just as important in your marriage as your husband.

Also, please don't make your marriage about your parents or his parents, make it about you two.

Best!

 

Hey girl......

I'm sure we all have being in the situation sometime or other.. I’m married fr 2yrs now, arranged one.... n i remember initially my husband used to not to talk to my parents..(coz of marriage rituals ils were not happyRant) i came to UK after that I used to talk to my parents regularly, when DH used to say why dnt you talk to my parents .. I used to say talk to mine parents first then only I will talk to yours.......(I'm a no nonsense person that way .....tsk)

So things have changed now.. he will talk to my parents at least say hello over the ph...... so no issues now i talk to his parents now.

and i dnt know why they parents are god sent and our parents our nothing.....

 

Hi Monica,

Since you say your inlaws and dh are abusive towards your parents, I would suggest you tell your folks not to visit your inlaws anymore. Come on, even your parents are worthy of respect, they don't deserve to be humiliated like that. You be the strong one and face your husbands anger instead of letting your parents to be humiliated. Stand firm and insist that your parents stop this nonsense. Let them live their life with dignity. Tell them they are no longer obligated to call your dh. I believe you should make phone calls and carry on conversations only when you do it out of your own desire... do you think your parents would be desiring to talk to someone who uses "filthy words" towards them? No. shakehead

Your mil's outlook that "parents are dead to daughter" is outdated, not to mention completely ridiculous. It is very sad that there are such uneducated people in this world. There is nothing you can do about that.

However, you mentioned a couple things you can do something about. You say you have no control over your earnings. Why not? You must be getting a paycheck, so cash it yourself and deposit it in your own savings account. Better yet, ask your employer if you can have automatic deposit. My husband has that... instead of getting his paycheck in hand at the end of the week, it gets automatically added into our checking account. Normally I do not advocate the "my money/ your money" approach. But in your case I think it would be wise to keep an emergency reserve of money. Especially because you mentioned your dh has physically abused you in past. What happens tomorrow if you need to get away from him but have no money to do so? You needn't save mountains of cash, just enough to secure yourself. Please think about doing what I said and taking control of your paycheck.

I think you have put up with enough. If I were you I would stop playing this cat and mouse game of calling mil cell phone, fil's cell phone, your parents calling only on dh's cell phone, not your cell phone... all a bit silly isn't it? Why not just talk to whoever is on the phone when your dh makes the call? If he wants you to talk so much, let him handle contacting them.

Monica, I feel you really need to have a straight conversation with your dh. Let him know that your parents are no longer going to be doing the visits to your inlaws or the phone calls to him, unless he can change his attitude. Explain to him that even they are parents too and need to be respected. And above all, tell him any type of physical abuse is not going to be tolerated. Come on Monica! You have a small child, what type of example are you setting to let yourself and your parents get mistreated like this?

You describe your dh and his family as maniacs, so I request you to be very careful when implementing anything I've suggested. Your dh might become very mad when you take a stand against his behavior. Stay safe and be smart. But make a change. Life can not continue like this.

Please keep in touch and let us know what happens. Take care! :thumbsup

 

If in-laws can't respect your parents, please dont ask you parents to visit them. How can you tolerate Physical abuse , you tell your hubby that you are not going to tolerate it and if he continues you would be calling cops. Verbal abuse in which century is he living in . When your in-laws call dont speak too much just say 'hi', 'hello' and stop. Your parents need not have to listen to all lecture your in-laws give about brining up their daughter, ask your parents either to not pick up their call or just ask them to speak very little and end conversation within 1 min itself.
If he still continues physical abuse i would suggest to be safe and do what is best for you.

 

Dear Monica,
I can clearly understand ur situation for i had been there done that..Still i am in the same situation as u...My dh n his father too expect my parents to be their slaves and always use filthy language that they didnt do this, that blah blah...They too say that once a girl is married, she should forget her parents n all....But the same thing they never apply to their daughter (i.e., my SIL) ..My FIL and dh bought a flat for her and her dh and always insisted my SIL's dh that he should be with her leaving his own mother in village.... My SIL visits my inlaw's place DAILY...But they put restrictions on me that i should talk to my parents only once in 10 days and that too just for 5 mnts...Even though we all were in the same city, i was never allowed to go to my parents place even once in 2 months for an hour....

One thing I would like to advice u is, pls take the control of ur own earnings 'first'...In our society, man afraid of their wife only when she earns on her own..But when he gets succeed to take charge of her earnings too, he again loses his fears and go back to pavilion trying to control her in every aspect..

Coming to ur inlaws abusing ur parents, u have a direct talk with ur dh to stop abusing ur parents and convey the same this to his parents aswell... If ur inlaws r acting as slaves to ur SIL's family, then it is their own mentality..It does'nt mean that they should expect the same thing from ur parents too...No two minds r same..at the same time, parents should not think to be slaves to their daughter's family when married...Marriage is an amalgamation of two families...i dont understand where this master and slave relation come from...
.And as all other ILs here said, pls dont let ur parents go to ur inlaws place to be abused...Let ur dh and his parents clearly know that only when u and ur parents are given atleast minimum respect, then only the things would change for better...

Hope this helps.
Be cool and brave

Venus

 

This 15th we will be completing an year of marriage and my husband shares an awesome relationship with my parents.
sometimes when he is too busy then i do not force him to talk but then he talks to them once he finds time.......

richa