Am I Overreacting?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Mar 24, 2023.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I mentioned my office issues before in IL and things were smooth for a while.

    yesterday I was talking casually with one of my colleagues.

    I was talking an about a job related material and how people change that in their home every few years and not necessary.

    The guy I was speaking with said “Come on! People change their spouses in few years why not materials”

    I immediately said that am not comfortable with that kind of talk.

    he said “God! You are so sensitive and overreact. It was just a casual,funny remark”


    I know we speak this way with our friends or ina different atmosphere..I don’t know maybe it is coz of his behavior with me in the past I may want to be careful and not encourage..

    also I never had or have even men as friends and always had women friends..I don’t know how to take it..

    I know life has changed a lot and culture too..hugs are common with opposite gender,casual talks but I feel uncomfortable for that too..

    I saw some pics of my previous colleague who is a desi lady and she was hugging these guys like they are best friends..I am too conservative to be all that..

    I just want to know about the current culture and if am outdated..
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2023
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  2. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    you are now becoming a regular poster of same thread in different wordings.

    you need to change your office. stop overthinking. your office is full of jerks.
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Okay all right..

    See I have been out of work for many years and just wanted to know if culture changed..

    coz some friends are very casual about this..

    so wanted to know..

    anyways
     
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987

    It doesn't matter if it is the most IN thing right now, if something is not right for me, i don't encourage it or do it or accept it if anyone does it to me.

    You already have an experience with this guy being not so good or something like that right. Like your gut instinct says/ tells you to stay away from him and not encourage him? Go with your gut instinct.

    I have been working for 15 years now and from the time i started to work till now, i have been an odd ball in the office because of the way i dress, the way i am. At the end of the day, no matter what who says, all that matters is work. I have even spoken to my manager the same thing.

    Let anyone comment anything they feel, just be strong in what you believe in. And don't bother if they make you seem like you are out of date.

    Honestly i don't bother if something is within date or out of date. I don't like something means i dont like it and thats all about it.
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    trust me . you are fine . and i notice you are over critical on out of work. things happen. just keep working on your weekness and network.

    i wear manjal thread as thali and wear modern dress. got comments. i do not care.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You have experience now. Start looking for other jobs and remote options if you don’t want to deal with workplace drama.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is a casual, funny remark. Maybe not in the best of taste, but nothing to get worked up over. If there was a colleague around who's recently divorced or going through the process, it'd be a bit awkward, but that's all.

    I hesitate to tell anyone they are sensitive, so no comment on that. About overreact, I'd say yes.

    "I am not comfortable with that kind of talk."
    "... that kind of talk." comes out as holier than thou and puts the other person on the defensive. The goal should be to highlight your displeasure with this one comment. At any given time, focus on the current exchange, not the entire history.

    We are a product of our experiences no doubt but try not to link each event to all the previous events in your life.

    I don't know about outdated but somehow your description of them seems judgmental to me. It is couched under carefully self-deprecatory "never had men as friends, culture changed, life has changed... i am conservative ..." but your judgement of people who hug each other does come through.

    It is a small office and no well-defined rules around banter or hugs. They may have a history that makes them comfortable to hug each other like that. Maybe they've all seen each other through some major life challenges. Let them hug each other. You have made it clear you are not the hugging type, done. It is like there will be someone in a group who doesn't like to be photographed, they are routinely excluded from group photos.

    The concept of "opposite gender" is definitely outdated. I'd avoid such terms in a workplace environment, even in casual conversation.

    A request: if you find the above response to your question not acceptable, get this post deleted instead of entire thread closed.
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don’t close a thread unless am sure.

    Also I respect your opinions and am trying to change/ learn.

    Maybe my past events,experiences have shaped me the person that I am and trying to change myself.

    True maybe I judged them and yeah am not
    Comfortable with the hugs and talks I agree.They also for some reason judged me that am okay with all that which clearly am not.we humans are all judgemental in our own ways and it’s okay.

    Him telling me I overreact is also a judgement in a way coz everyone is not having the same thinking.

    however I do have to be more open and understanding too.thank you for your inputIt always helps to put things in better perspective.
     
  9. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    Instead of saying “I am not comfortable for such talks” ( which can be a bit overboard for the situation you mentioned), you can say “ Wow, really? Interesting !!” and move on. He just stated his opinion, which is not a fact. The word “ interesting “ is used in our work place a lot to show our difference in a very polite inoffensive way . Interesting, right? :laughing:

    You mentioned about the photos of a desi lady who hugged in your other posts too. Do you know her personally ? I have friends here in USA and India who hug men and women alike. But all of them are just close friends too who worked in the same field for more than a decade. They can be a bit loud personalities but all of them are morally upright, normal people like you and me, who love their families to death. What seems uncomfortable to you and me can be a normal common greeting for others. A work place is like a miniature example of the real world. There are arrogant, slightly boisterous, pompous, pretentious, loud, quiet introverts…you can meet all sorts ..

    But the thing is if you feel this guy is crossing the limits just avoid him even for a small talk. Anika, only you can say if he is crossing the limit or not. We are not there and cannot say that for you. As a woman I would say, trust your instincts. Always trust your instincts. If your instincts are strong, avoid him like a plague .Normally people get the hint. If he doesn’t, you need to be more direct with him. If he still is bothering you, then go to HR or change the job seems to be the option. Best wishes!
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you:)

    I have always worked in places were men spoke normal and professionally..nothing overboard..

    this guy used to compliment way too much and some gut feeling felt cringe..
    He always spoke about beauty, women and how hot they are etc..

    The previous lady is from one of the cities in India and i could not help but think how she was so comfortable hugging such a guy who talks only about women all the time..

    Well maybe I will change my perspective..

    I can sense a difference that’s why..

    just a gut feel..
     

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