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With No Expectations Whatsoever...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nayidulhan, Jan 31, 2023.

  1. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dad’s friend was in need of funds for celebrating handicapped daughter’s marriage he helped him from his hard earned savings. In 1950s ₹5k was a huge amount. Myyounger sister and i were studying in school.

    A month or two later my dad lost his job on account of retrenchment as new management diwnsized the staff. Dad till then was not bothered about that ₹5k that he had given to his friend. When he had lost job he approached him to return the money. His friend and his family & son in law flatly refused that lead to altercations. I was a spectator.

    Few years passed by. It was a Sunday. Dad’s friend’s daughter with her hubby called on us with their infant baby. Apologising for their parents behaviour, she handed dad the amount ₹5k and prostrated in front along with her husband. She said “uncle i believe in karma. If I don’t repay the amount, it will affect me and my child. So please receive the amount.”

    Dad looked at my mom. Mom looked at her and the baby without any gold on their person . She said to the young mother- “keep the amount as our gift to your infant daughter”.
     
  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @ rihana. i feel the advice applies to me too a hundred percent , although i may be years elder to you! Need to bear in mind.
     
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  3. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    True!

    I always feel when I am helping others (I am in the field of guidance, mentoring and advice) I too go really out of the way...

    Manava seva is Madhava seva (Service to man is service to God)

    But... we are human, we have expectations ... We may not expect any help or the same service back from the same person, but we at least want an acknowledgement that we went out of the way for them ... but many a time, even that is NOT forthcoming....

    So my learnings:
    1) Help others without expectations - if they acknowledge, it is fine, if not also, they have benefited from it, so I am happy that someone has benefited
    2) When you help with money or things - DONT expect it back unless there is a written signed agreement that can be enforced by court - so give only what you dont mind losing forever. People I know who wont return a book, I refuse to give it to them unless I can buy it again - I scan the required pages or share a digital copy or link or I tell them to read/scan it in front of me...
    3) In the beginning, I used to share with DH if someone didnt acknowledge my help - he said - Now that you know they dont acknowledge - would you still help them - When I said YES of course - he said - then why are you sad - this is your behaviour, that is their behaviour - you cant change others.
    4) So, now I have realised that my help or support is not to make THEM happy, it is FOR ME - I wouldnt have been able to live with myself & my conscience if I did not act at that time.
    5) Mother mode helps - I imagine if they were my children - I would have done it without expectations - so I imagine whoever I helped they are my kids... So, before, I used to feel bad for the entire day - now I just think about it for 5-10 minutes and let it go and do my next to-do
    6) In my life experience, I have noticed that several people help me too... They dont always get back anything from me except acknowledgement.... And whenever I am in trouble, those whom I have helped may not come to my rescue, but the UNIVERSE always ensures that I am rescued!

    So with that confidence, do what you can - dont expect anything back

    कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन ।
    मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भुर्मा ते संगोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ॥
    karmaṇyevādhikāraste mā phaleṣu kadācana |
    mā karmaphalaheturbhurmā te saṃgo'stvakarmaṇi ||

    Meaning - you have the right to act, you do not have the right to decide the benefits and/or repurcussions from your actions
    So, do your duty and do not worry about the results

    And keep smiling!
    HR
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2023
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Super. This attitude gives enormous peace. A lesson in reverse or a corollary to the thread objective.
    You deserve my salute.
    God continue to Bless your child & family.
    Regards.
     
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @nayidulhan,

    No two minds are idential and What a giver believe as a great favor may or may not be the same for the recipient. I believe in asking before extending help to anyone in physical life (not in social media). I remember a situation in which my partner's family and my family met for a Christmas dinner after a successful year 15 years back. My partner's wife liked the bangle my wife was wearning and said, "I really like your bangles". My wife immediately removed it and offered it to her and my partner and his wife were so embarrassed by my wife's action saying that she was only trying to appreciate what my wife was wearing. My wife has the tendency to buy or gift anything that someone clearly likes it. But I know her tendency but my business partner and his wife thought that my wife was not genuine in offering that when I knew she really meant it. In that scenario, the question whether you would like to have one like this would have helped.

    When I worked for a software company, my CEO always evaluated me as 3 out of 5 and the maximum he had ever given to me was 3.5. When I argued once with him failing to understand what would make him feel that I met or exceeded his expectations. He replied, "If you are at 4.5 or 5, you have no scope to grow in the company and therefore, I come up with things that you would be able to improve. Frankly, in 8 years of your career, every year you have grown well only because I set my expectations of your performance higher and higher". I had an expecation a little bit of appreciation from him would have motivated me further but frankly, that would have made me complacent. I kept working and working to meet his expectation as he kept moving the expectations higher and higher.

    Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that self-motivation is the best even if it is with a clear objective of helping others. That should also be driven by self-motivation. Self-confidence is derived from self-motivation. Self-satisfaction is derived from self-confidence.
     
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    It triggered indeed of my late dad who did not appreciate me when I showed my corrected answer sheet of calculus in semester exam . He was asking me only why I missed that four Mark's when I secured 96 out of hundred. I cursed dad for this. But my mother celebrated that day by making rave-kesari with generous ghee and addition of saffron. My mother too cursed dad for not appreciating my score. Then dad told appreciation will make me complacent.
    But even today I remember that one problem I did in great haste mistaking sum for product while taking log.
    Regards.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2023
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    The problem is:
    X^Y +Y^X = k ( a constant) Find dY/dX.
    Interesting prob for maths fans.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana

    It feels like you are speaking on behalf of me, as if narrating my own experience and own thought process of coming out of this misery. Glad to know that I am not alone here!
    Thanks a million for sharing your experience, though addressed to a different poster I feel like getting a huge validation to what I am thinking right now.

    Even if they don't realize or appreciate my selflessness, it would be nice if they could at least recognize the effort. But sadly that's not always the case.

    Exactly.... Parents and siblings are no different here.
    I did not realize until very recently that going overboard to help a needy sibling can irritate our own mother, who felt slightly uncomfortable about me being more thoughtful and better person thank her in the eyes of that family member. In fact, I helped my sibling thinking this help would please my mother as she was worried about her child's financial needs back then. But, I was wrong!

    The help backfired and caused a rift between me and mom unnecessarily. Despite of sending a lot of money, that too on time to ensure the sibling is free from a huge burden, I ended up in emotional crisis.


    Don't tell me this. Yes, it has become a routine, and if I don't do the help, then I will be criticized for that.

    I am doing it now. Even though the money spent on these days are of health related, I am happy it ultimately improves my health and well being. I am finally spending something on self thoughtfully.

    I hope this will happen soon
     
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  9. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @Thyagarajan, your mother seems like a genuine lady with a heart of gold. :) Her magnanimity with the young mother that day must have definitely started the "pay it forward" chain. The young lady (mother of the infant) was not fortunate enough to get sanskars from her own parent but she was fortunate enough to be shown the right path by your parent. :)
     
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  10. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @joylokhi, Rihana has the knack of striking a cord with everyone. She has the ability to guide everyone well. I pray her kids get placed in their places of interest smoothly. :)
    @Rihana, hope things have already fallen in place for your kids. :)
     
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