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With No Expectations Whatsoever...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nayidulhan, Jan 31, 2023.

  1. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Could someone share pointers on how to deal with relations without any expectations? I mean if I handle these relations and make my transactions without any expectations in the first place then there will be no room for disappointment and disillusionment later, right?

    I think I have the intention but I don't know the path.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Life is by itself challenging. The aim should always to make it simpler and to lighten our load. You know very well that it is unrealistic to aim for zero expectations. Even a smile that we give to a stranger, we expect back an acknowledgement or we brood on it.

    At the risk of some guessing and generalizing, I used to be a lot like you, helping others endlessly. To give a dated example, if someone liked the songs playing in my car, I use to make a copy of the audio cassettes or CD's and give them the next time we met. I thought it was a thoughtful gift from, they felt we can't say we like songs without getting the entire set as a gift. : )

    I anticipated the needs of others and met those. I expected people to realize how good and selfless I was.

    It took some years of introspection to realize that I was overdoing it. I learned that people feel uncomfortable if I am always a "better" and more thoughtful person than them. I also learned that if I willingly and regularly do something, that soon becomes the default expected from me.

    Coming to your question, how does one deal with relations without any expectations? I have a slightly indirect suggestion -- reduce the mental time and physical effort spent on doing things for others, replace that with things you do for yourself. So, overall energy spent on others is reduced, and hence the total disappointment from that also reduces. As a side benefit, due to being scarce, your help to others will be more noticed and appreciated.

    For starters, don't go out of your way to help others. Wait till they ask, and even then, give the help in small doses.

    An example might help illustrate this: if a neighbor asks for a plumber recommendation, my husband will send the number of the plumber we last used and briefly say we liked the service. I will give a longer feedback, ask what is the repair they need, and add that our plumber did have two negative reviews out of total fifteen reviews. The result is that they appreciate my husband's input more and when we meet them while walking I can feel that they think of me as a "too much talking, unnecessary info giving, trying to be too helpful" person. They wanted one reliable plumber's number, the info I gave them was overwhelming.

    Instead of cutting down the expectations reduce the interactions where you are the giver, and when you do give, give less.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I really liked this answer Rihanna.Just perfect!
     
  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    don’t give yourself the headache about relationships without transactions.

    The least transaction would and should be a little courtesy and basic respect.

    My own relatives never even gave me basic human respect for me being nice and I felt taken advantage of.


    Maintain a distance,have no attachment and never ever do anything to anyone more than needed.

    I am sorry to give the above advice but you are hearing this from someone who came from a joint family,tolerated people and relatives for two decades,thinking my niceness will make them realize my worth and helping without expectations.

    Trust me..PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!

    It’s not selfish but self care.

    Also..spend your time in focusing on yourself,your happiness and people who mean a lot to you.

    People have changed and it’s survival of the fittest.

    It’s not about lowering your expectations and doing transactions BUT it is about having zero expectations no matter what!

    you still want to do it?

    Have NO EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT or ATTACHMENTS.
     
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  5. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Rihana! It's like you are narrating my own story to me. I feel heard after reading your post. Thanks a lot for writing this post. :)
    I agree mine is totally a case of misplaced priorities. Self care has gotten relegated to the lowest rung of the priority ladder. I must revisit and realign it all. :)
     
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  6. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987, at the risk of sounding heartless... I am happy to know that I am not the only one in this world experiencing all this. I am sorry you had to face all that negativity, I know how much it can affect a sensitive and a well-meaning person, but I am glad you shared it here with me. Such experiences would constantly push me on introspective rides, making me wonder why always me?!
     
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    You know..it should be like..

    I am actually “sad“ to hear that I am
    Not the only one experiencing it.

    My co sister when i opened up on inlaws struggle..she was like “I am happy to know am not the only one suffering“..in reality she should be sad...

    This isn't mentioned to hurt you or say you are wrong.we are all human and the thoughts are conditioned that way. the world has this thought process in general.. Have noticed that

    We are happy to share sorrows..but not happy to share happiness..

    In life happiness has been frowned upon..
    But sorrows rejoiced..

    It should be ulta):
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2023
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  8. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987,please don't get me wrong. I meant that my happiness is not because of the mental agony that your relatives have subjected you to. It is because I used to always wonder why does it happen to only me? If something's wrong with me- my attitude/ behavior/ aura/ disposition/ vibes that people around me get tempted to take me for granted/ take me for a ride/ pass the buck to me/ gossip about me, etc.

    In no way do I mean to say that I am happy that you suffered. I am happy only because you endured the suffering bravely and then shared it here. This has helped me realize that 1) such attitude of relatives is more common than I can imagine 2) the problem is not with me per se.

    I apologize that my words did not convey my feelings correctly and that you were misled to think that I am trying to undermine your pain in anyway. Please forgive me for the lapse.
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh dont worry about it..it was not personal or directed to you.Just talking about the mental conditioning we are all subjected to :)

    I used to be that too but trying to change myself.

    We are so busy trying to ward off outside people but forgetting our real enemies lives within the family.

    Please don't apologize.it's all fine! Cheers:)
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2023
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  10. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @anika987, may all of us find peace and closure soon. :)
     
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