Silent Treatment

anivijay · Jan 30, 2023

Hi,
I am here after a long time.

After mom passed away, things are not great with me and husband. So many issues and arguments.

We went to India for remarriage of my disabled sister. even though he helped to find aliance(his friend) , he showed me hell in my 1 month stay there. With the pressure I gone through, I thought I would die and wont return back to home.

Things were slowly back to normal with occasional heated arguments. Actually, I went and talked to him within a day so these arguments didnt go up to the level of silent treatment.

This incident happened last week. I just returned from my physio appointment. I took bath and came. He told he was very hungry. I came to kitchen to make dinner. Everything was normal. He came to kitchen to heat some food for school lunch nextday, in the air fryer. Previous day I made something and forgot to clean. He started complaining it was dirty. I was making idly and told him in calm voice, how many times you forgot to clean and I cleaned afterwards? Can you clean this time ? He raised his voice and said, I never cleaned airfryer blah..blah.. and said 'Podi'.

I told him please dont talk like that, if you say podi, I'll also say the same thing. This also , I said casually. He asked, if you are a good woman and brave enough, say it. I was simply washing the vessels . he asked me 2,3 times and I said 'Poda'. Even then, I didnt think it was a big mistake. By this time , he was cleaning air fryer with a tissue paper. He placed that dirty paper towel on my face, and said 'Podi Gundathi' and I said 'Poda Gundapa'. He simply threw the airfryer basket on the floor. went to dining table and threw some biscuit packets and some other stuff on the floor and left. Dont know whether he aimed at me and missed or not. I kept quiet.

From then silent treatment started. I said after 2/3 days, how could you place dirty paper on my face? I would not tolerate. next time if you do that, I'll throw whatever garbage i find .

Looks like saying 'Poda' is big disrespect to him it seems. He wont talk to me. If I say that word ever again, he would break my teeth. Please note, I never said that word in these last 18 years.

The age gap between us is just 2 years. And I am calling him by his name. And when I said that word, I didnt think this would this big issue.., but I dont think as big mistake to stop talking to wife.

I already knew, he doesn't love me. When I lost my mom, he showed me I could not expect his emotional support. During my sister's marriage, when I arranged everything as a single lady, he acted like I was his enemy. When I was diagnosed with diabetes at 39, he said some mean comment like, you ate so much.. apdi than varum.

so nothing new.. but my heart feels heavy. I am telling myself, I should not depend on him for my happiness. but I am tired.. just for my kids..

Thanks for reading.

Rihana · Jan 30, 2023

Such arguments are more common in households than people will admit.

Both of you have reacted in not productive ways. No, you are not behaving much better than him. Even after 2-3 days of time to think over it, you told him if you do that I'll throw whatever garbage I can find.

Silence after such arguments can actually be good. You can be the one to break the silence. If you break the silence and just resume normal life then he sort of "wins" the argument. Instead, at a calm time, see if you can say something like, "We have this this this problems, those are not going away, but we have to live together, what can we do to lessen such fights like we had last week ..."

anivijay · Jan 30, 2023

Rihana said: ↑

Such arguments are more common in households than people will admit.

Both of you have reacted in not productive ways. No, you are not behaving much better than him. Even after 2-3 days of time to think over it, you told him if you do that I'll throw whatever garbage I can find.

Silence after such arguments can actually be good. You can be the one to break the silence. If you break the silence and just resume normal life then he sort of "wins" the argument. Instead, at a calm time, see if you can say something like, "We have this this this problems, those are not going away, but we have to live together, what can we do to lessen such fights like we had last week ..."
Click to expand...

May be I am wrong Rihana. These constant fights made me feel like, if I am not going to stand up for myself, he would continue this behaviour. I tried talking to him so many times earlier. Not working. Even my new-year resolution was not to argue with him and live peacefully. I followed as well. Even on that day till he threw that garbage on me, I didn't take it seriously. On that day, after he threw everything, I stayed calm and tried to make things back to normal. I went and asked him to have dinner. Even I told him if you didn't say that word harshly, why are you taking my word seriously? I tried to talk so many times. Nothing worked. But I didn't like the way he stuffed garbage on my face so I told him.

godsgp · Jan 31, 2023

Dear OP
I feel a seething anger at your husband right now.It is not ok to throw stuff at anybody's face.
At the same time I feel that he is very emotionally immature. Doing this and saying other such inappropriate stuff is not something a mature person does.
Hard as it may be, if you are keen on letting this relationship run longtime you will have to take the responsibility of running the enterprise yourself.
Acknowledge that their is no picture perfect relation "right now".Do not rule out having it in future.

anivijay said: ↑

I tried to talk so many times. Nothing worked.
Click to expand...

Since he knows that you did that in the past he will expect that again.Let it pass this time.Don't let yourself fall into that cycle.
Talk just about the routine.Not about the issues. Be around him and the house without being too emotional. Measuring your responses.
It's easier said than done but hang in there.
The silent phase will pass. Nobody can hold the other hostage forever. He will eventually be normal.

anivijay · Feb 2, 2023

godsgp said: ↑

Dear OP
I feel a seething anger at your husband right now.It is not ok to throw stuff at anybody's face.
At the same time I feel that he is very emotionally immature. Doing this and saying other such inappropriate stuff is not something a mature person does.
Hard as it may be, if you are keen on letting this relationship run longtime you will have to take the responsibility of running the enterprise yourself.
Acknowledge that their is no picture perfect relation "right now".Do not rule out having it in future.

Since he knows that you did that in the past he will expect that again.Let it pass this time.Don't let yourself fall into that cycle.
Talk just about the routine.Not about the issues. Be around him and the house without being too emotional. Measuring your responses.
It's easier said than done but hang in there.
The silent phase will pass. Nobody can hold the other hostage forever. He will eventually be normal.
Click to expand...

Thanks @godsdp. Yes many times I felt he is emotionally immature.

Anyhow, Silent treatment continues for 10 days. I am keeping quiet. Making food, do my chores. Its hard though. When you have no parents, no relatives and you are living in foreign country, and the only person you have don't talk to you, its hard.

godsgp · Feb 5, 2023

anivijay said: ↑

Thanks @godsdp. Yes many times I felt he is emotionally immature.

Anyhow, Silent treatment continues for 10 days. I am keeping quiet. Making food, do my chores. Its hard though. When you have no parents, no relatives and you are living in foreign country, and the only person you have don't talk to you, its hard.
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Hugs!
I am sorry you going through this all alone.
What is your routine like?Do you work?
Do you like to go out for walks or drives?Hikes all by yourself?
While this behaviour of your husband is antagonistic right now but I 'd like to know what makes you/made you happy?
See if during this phase you can connect with that vibe of yours and do even minimum of what you like to do for yourself.
The silent treatment may linger but I 'd advise to find things to comfort you during this period since you are away from your support system.

DDream · Feb 6, 2023

Op, you both have your share of stories. Ideally we like to have free communication to share our thoughts with partner.. But it should be respectful. Our way of talk, or tone of voice, body language , choice of words etc can affect others especially if they are too sensitive.I am not saying who is right or wrong here but trying to explain possible reasons on what happened. He was triggered by your questions. The most important thing a man likes to have is respect. His fragile ego is hurt. It has nothing to do with you. His self respect was threatened by your questioning. You also deserves respect too. But you can change your strategy as your normal methods are not working. Most men think its womens duty to look after kids, clean house etc.. Its due to upbringing. So, best way is dont respond if he talks about cleaning part. Another way is say' i am busy right now please go ahead if you like to clean it now, or feel free to clean or can you pl clean. Here you asked similar things, but you used a few sentences using ' You' instead of 'I'. So he felt like your are criticing or questioning than communicating in a nicer way. You can do a self introspection. But, he has no right to threaten you or throw garbage on you. Obviously he could not control his anger.

Silence for short term period is useful sometimes to cool down. But if it's a usual practice then it is used as a mode of punishment or teach a lesson or as a passive aggressive behavior. In some cases, it can be due to personality disorder. You know your situation well. In that case we cant force the other person to get normal till they are ready.

These kinds of fights are very common. So what you can do is define your boundary. When he is in a relaxed way, tell him that both of you argued and both of you are responsible for this situation, you dont like to be called ' podi' the same way ' poda' for him. You can't accept his behavior of throwing waste over you. If you do the same, will he accept it. Rules are same for every one. Lets us move on and what can I do to make the situation better. If he is ready to say sorry, you are also ready to do so. ( be careful with choice of words). See if he responds. If he fights back, just walk away, dont fight back. Dont go after him after that by pleading or begging.

If he is not ready, give some time. Keep the channel of communication open, talk on needed stuff regarding kids, home evenif he dont talk, dont show negative body language, focus on your happiness. Be happy and cheerful by focusing on your life. Let him get curious, on whats going on. Be respectful. Mind your business. Your issue is not with him, but with his bad behavior. Give lot of space to him, dont chase or go after him. Let him come to you. Sleep on the same bed. Sometimes, a hug or touch can fix fights. Behave normal as much as you can. When he is ready he will come to you. Some men are like grownup kids. So, maintain peace, try what works for you. Like his ego, you value your self respect. Give some time.
Detach a bit and learn how to be happy without him. You feel bad because of your emotional dependecy on him. Let it be a learning experience. If he talks to you nicely, be nice, else enjoy your 'me time'. You need a break. Use this silence to your advantage to do whatever you want to do, especially reasonable things for which he said 'no' earlier. Let his realise, he will loose good times if he continue silence . Have a blast with kids or friends. Enjoy. Remember, you can control only you, not others including your h. Realise that your happiness is with you, let your h realise too that you can be happy without him.

Some of the replies in this old post may be useful(post)

senorita2019 · Mar 4, 2023

You did the right thing.
You gave him a taste of his own medicine. let him soak in it.
next time he will be careful and will respect you. If you take the abuse, he will give more. If you give it back, he will back off

Divyasaravanan · Mar 8, 2023

Looks like you are in a loveless marriage just like me! Even though my husband is not quite aggresive, I've never felt loved in all these years!! I sometimes wonder where all this is leading to. But god knows!! One thing I do is, I dont care a damn, I am happy all by myself. I've kids, siblings and parents who love me! Thats enuf for me. During conversations with him If I feel something is getting escalated, I decide to stay quite. Atleast it gives me peace of mind and keeps my house peaceful.

HakunaMatata · Mar 29, 2023

DDream said: ↑

If he is not ready, give some time. Keep the channel of communication open, talk on needed stuff regarding kids, home evenif he dont talk, dont show negative body language, focus on your happiness. Be happy and cheerful by focusing on your life. Let him get curious, on whats going on. Be respectful. Mind your business. Your issue is not with him, but with his bad behavior. Give lot of space to him, dont chase or go after him. Let him come to you. Sleep on the same bed. Sometimes, a hug or touch can fix fights. Behave normal as much as you can. When he is ready he will come to you. Some men are like grownup kids. So, maintain peace, try what works for you. Like his ego, you value your self respect. Give some time.
Detach a bit and learn how to be happy without him. You feel bad because of your emotional dependecy on him. Let it be a learning experience. If he talks to you nicely, be nice, else enjoy your 'me time'. You need a break. Use this silence to your advantage to do whatever you want to do, especially reasonable things for which he said 'no' earlier. Let his realise, he will loose good times if he continue silence . Have a blast with kids or friends. Enjoy. Remember, you can control only you, not others including your h. Realise that your happiness is with you, let your h realise too that you can be happy without him.
Click to expand...

Fantastic @DDream, this is my thoughts also.
I have been in the similar situation before. Coming out of emotional dependency is not easy, sometimes it would take few years like me. But after coming out of we wont feel guilt and we can see our life problems in third person perspective, in which we dont feel so much emotional during fights.

It is ok to lose few battles, to win the war.

Sometimes we dont have picture-perfect husband, we should understand and accept the reality and move on further in our lives.