Avoiding The Source Of Envy Is A Sign Of Weakness?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by Rihana, Jan 26, 2023.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Envy is when we covet something that someone else has. The best ways to get this draining emotion under control are to count our blessings and to remind ourselves that everyone has problems and disappointments in their lives. We can also channelize our envy towards self-improvement to achieve that coveted thing in our own life. With some introspection, we learn to be genuinely happy for the success of others.

    Having said that, this thread is about a specific kind of envy and one particular method of dealing with it. To reiterate: a specific kind of envy and one specific way of handling it.

    The envy I am talking about is to do with things that another person has and we cannot achieve, no matter what we do.

    Here are some hypothetical examples of this kind of envy:
    • A friend lucks out and gets a green card earlier.
    • A friend and neighbor moves to a much more expensive part of town.
    • A friend's kids get to be at home each summer with grandparents from India while your kids barely remember what to call each grandparent.
    • A friend’s kid does exceptionally well in school or extracurriculars, you know your kid is average and are perfectly fine with that reality but prefer to avoid your friend.
    • A friend’s kid gets into medical school, but your equally talented and hardworking kid doesn’t.
    • A friend’s husband is much more romantic and attentive than yours will ever be.
    • A friend has siblings living within 1-2 hours and you have not a single relative in the country.
    • A friend and her family go on many vacations to fun and to lesser known places. Meanwhile, your family is lazy and only wants to stay home.
    • A friend is the adventurous kind, goes on solo-trips to beautiful places, and blogs about it, you would never have the courage to go on such trips yourself.

    Here is one possible way to deal with this type of envy:
    Avoid the source of envy. Don’t avoid them completely but cut down significantly on contact with that person. Reply to texts after a longer gap and keep replies mostly brief. Meet less often. Slowly dial down the friendship to almost an acquaintance level.

    Question:
    Is it wrong or a sign of weakness to deal with such envy by lessening contact with the source of envy?

    I am looking for all kinds of responses to the above question, but not a one by one dissection of the examples I gave.
    .
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    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    For reasons unknown to mankind and womankind, I asked the wise one at home about this. The discussion went something like this:

    The Wise One: If you feel envious about something another person has, you should be able to process and set that envy aside in two minutes, two hours, two days or at the maximum a long weekend. Grow up. Get a life.

    Me: FB allows me to "unfollow a friend (stop seeing posts) but stay friends." What’s wrong with using that approach outside FB? I remain friends with a person but lessen contact with them. It’s like I am on a diet so I avoid going to the mithai store. I want to watch less TV so I unplug the TV after I am done watching it for the day.

    I am using this approach at the most for 1-2 people at a time. It’s not like I am isolating myself from all friends who are doing better than me in any way. In most cases, I handle envy quite well but in some cases, my weak points, life is more pleasant if I cut down on contact with that friend.

    The Wise One: Grow up. Get a life.

    Me: Even sages used to shun all people and go to the forest to meditate and attain enlightenment. I am only partially shunning two people and not moving anywhere.

    The Wise One: Are you done? Can I start it now? (it = movie on Netflix)
    Me: Not done. Yes start.
    .
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    It’s not a sign of weakness, IMO. I don’t follow the social media of the world travelers in my circle, or the ones doing whole-house no-expenses-spared home renovations. It’s only human to long for something we want and cannot have.
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don’t know if people will believe this but honestly none of the above pointers will make me envious.I don’t really care.

    I always practice a lot of gratitude and am trying to practice contentment.So it helps.

    I feel envious only if I see another woman doing workouts with more ease for which I had put in so much of hardwork. However..I am more self aware of that weakness and tell myself that I have to be happy for others hardwork.plus I try to feel inspired by them.It eases that envy.Plus I realized envy comes from two factors:

    1) we either put ourself on a pedestal or think others are beneath us.So when someone does very well..our ego takes a Hit.Also if someone who we thought is beneath us is doing amazing..even a small step they take forward creates resentment and envy.The moment we real we r all blessed differently..no better or less..envy relaxes.

    2) If we r envious on someone..it is a reflection that we have to look within ourself.Half the time we don’t even want what the other person has..it is just a feeling of insecurity which comes back to point 1.


    World has this power struggle always.success always relies on the vadilation of others or feeling slightly better if we personally think we r better than that next person.It is madness.Once we come out of the rat race and do what we love,only work for what we truly need ,be self aware and understanding of ourself ,focus on ourself..envy will cease.

    Real success is in the mind.one can look stunning on the outside ,look successful in their career or etc but if we don’t feel happy inside..that is no success.you may envy that person but you will be pleasantly surprised to know that othey person might secretly envy you.

    Just my personal thoughts based on my life and practice.Am still trying and have a long way to go.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
  5. Dynamic

    Dynamic Bronze IL'ite

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    Getting envious of people/situations is natural, but how we deal with it shows mental strength/ health, IMO.

    Is it wrong or a sign of weakness to deal with such envy by lessening contact with the source of envy?

    In my opinion yes.
    It’s a sign of weakness
    Because in a way you are comparing your life/ situation with others, but everyone’s life and situations/hardships are completely different. So how can we compare and get envious.

    It’s not a good option to lessen the contact
    If we are lessening the contact from friend to acquaintance level, at one point we might not have any close friends left and the other person also might realize what is happening and that will be end of any beautiful relationship.

    If we are able to remember that everyone’s life and struggles in it are different, then coming out of that envious feeling naturally and quickly would be easy, IMO.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the from the heart response, Anika.

    Those examples are just examples. The question is more like:

    If one coverts a certain thing someone else has, and one has no way to achieve that, is it wrong or a sign of weakness to deal with such envy by lessening contact with that source of envy?
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Nice to get one response agreeing with me. : )

    That's close to what the wise one at home said. : ) In addition to losing friendships, there is the point that one is failing that friend in a way.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well..maybe for a while to
    Process and understand the source of envy..nothing wrong in taking a break.

    However ..if one wants to cut off relationship completely that could be stretching it
    Too far and in one way it is good for the other person.

    However if the one who covets something is a show off..then one can keep a distance from
    Them.


    A mentally strong person will understand no matter what anyone has or no matter what they show off..nothing is going to change the fact that no one is inferior or Superior.it is not going to change who we are.

    Even if it is weakness..what's wrong with it?

    As humans envy is a normal emotion until it is not used to affect the other person.It is okay to have weaknesses and accepting that weakness as a part of ourself itself is strength!

    One should try to do something about it but it is never okay to affect the other person.

    Maintaining less contact is totally okay as it does not hurt anyone.
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I do feel like it is a sign of weakness. If I were to lessen contact with people for this reason, I would be left without a best friend and confidant, without a loving nephew and without so many good relationships. Does it bother me? Absolutely. But it’s always good to look at the whole package.

    Don’t you also have something that someone else covets? How fair will it be if that person reduced contact with you for no fault of yours?

    We can always look at reduced contact as a sign of securing our own self esteem but it does impact the other person. Unless that other person truly deserves it, I think it’s unfair.
     
  10. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Yes it's a sign of weakness. These feelings will come to your mind but then when you count your blessings and think the other person has got a different set of problems albeit less in no. these feelings bother you less.
    But a person who is stronger and sorted keeps on working on oneself as these feelings of envy will disturb your own peace of mind. Best way to deal with this is to channelize your energy to achieve something better than you are rnvious of..and believe me it works.
    An always believe in the saying that there is always always something to be grateful for.
     
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