Parents Visits

I think you have it right. It’s a combination of anxiety, stress and age.
My mom can also be like this on extended visits, becoming very picky and critical about things that don’t seem to be such a big deal to me. We tend to keep a minimalistic house except for kid’s toys and stuff. My parents hold on to everything and as as result their home is stuffed to the gills. They think it’s odd to see so
many empty surfaces in my home. They also complain that we buy too much for the child. I have to bite my tongue many times.
One option would be to keep their visits shorter and more frequent if your finances and circumstances permit. For my folks, after 2 months is when things start becoming difficult. They want to spend time with us but they miss their home and routines and freedom of movement and it comes out as cribbing about things here. So we now don’t plan very long visits.
You could also try to get them interested in some hobbies they can do at home. I got my mom into jewelry making. It was simple to order everything online and she made decorations for all their pooja dieties back home and also to give as gifts. My dad read books and I also got some jigsaw puzzles for him.
To avoid them complaining about how we raise our child we started taking them to all the extracurricular sports classes, so they could focus on that.
As for the rest, I either ignored it or told them that I didn’t have the time or inclination to cook a full banana leaf-spread like my mom and grandma used to. And I didn’t want to spend all my spare time cleaning and polishing what the weekly house cleaners do. It’s not perfect but we manage.

 

Dear Aniya,
Many parents complain like that after a couple of extended visits. They miss their home, way of living, surroundings etc. No logic behind it....but they do miss. The love to be with children, grandchildren , but at the same time they miss their home. Mixed feeling . That mixed feeling they expose in different ways. They understand the busyness of children, way of living, climate...still they complain. There is no definite solution. I appreciate you want them to be as comfortable as possible. But it is a win win situation. After going back they tell everyone how beautiful their trip was, how beautiful the country is and describe endless and on and on. Then they start missing children again and look forward to their next visit. It is a cycle.
Syamala

 

I am experiencing this on a daily basis, as I live in abroad with my old mom who is a widow.

I have witnessed this pattern of complaining on a daily basis. I tried my level best to calmly respond to her complaints. At times, I too get carried away, and react. This can either hurt the person she complains against or herself if I think her complaints aren't valid.
But, at the end of the day, it was me who lose the peace at home. Either mom or others (my husband, kids, some relatives or the maids) will have a long face and show counter actions.

This is indeed too much for a working mother, who has a lot other things on her plate. Off late, I started suffering from stress and many other physical complications.

Now that, I have decided to compartmentalize my problems. I know that I can't change an elderly woman who has millions of other problems, be it hormonal or physical or even emotional for her age and health issues. I am not a therapist, so I can't change her. But I can change the way how I react to her actions.

First of all, an idle mind is devils workshop. I thought my mom needed complete rest at the age of 74. So, I never assign any tasks to her. I cook, and our maid cleans the house. My H takes care of laundry and kid's routines. Besides kids are grown up to take care of themselves. So, mom literally has nothing to do at home. She is bored at watching TV or sleeping all day. Perhaps, this is what making her so negative here.

So, after a long discussion I understood that mom wants to cook. I let her cook by making sure cooking isn't difficult for her. With kitchen gadgets and the help of the maid, she is able to enjoy cooking so well.
She isn't forced to cook, so she has the option to not to cook anything if she feels low. These days we order food from outside, and she is enjoying her control over our kitchen so well.

I have also asked my kids to take her out, and show things around. They have a special way of bonding with grandparents. Mom finds it supper encouraging to learn new things with her grand kids on a daily basis. In fact, they have made her a tech savvy and she knows how to operate a laptop, take pictures with her mobile camera and send the same to her friends. She learnt whatsapp, FB and youtube only after coming here and quite enjoying this digital space.

I also asked her to find time to teach my kids our native language as well as some native practices which they have almost forgotten after coming here. She feels valued, respected and important at our place. This gives her the needed security; hence a lot of positivity around.

Assign some tasks to your parents, and appreciate them as they accomplish them in their own style. Remember, the purpose of assigning tasks to elderly parents is to entertain them and kill their boredom in such a way they feel important in your house. This will change the whole equation.

 

Yes, entrust some chore to them which they like and appreciate them when they do it. That would make them occupied. One of my friend's mother was interested in doing things on sewing machin and knitting. Her daughter bought her one sewing machine, some wool and knitting needles. She made sweaters for everyone in the family. Made a big shawl with croche

Yes...involve them in a chore in which she has interest.Sewing, knitting or ask her to make one dish which you all like and appreciate it. They would be occupied.
My friend's mother knitted sweaters for all of them. Because they feel bored at home....nothing else to talk...so they complain. Now they would talk about their hobby.
Syamala