Frustrated!!!

Dear@sociallifein30s & Dear @sm123

My kids are very loving, empathetic, and affectionate towards me. But they are as confused as my H on the things happening in their life.
They are constantly brain-washed by my H on different things. They are young, and they have their own questions about life.

They have a soft corner for their dad because he is always on a self pity mode.
They think mom & grandma are more controlling because we are disciplining them. At this age, like many other kids my kids as well want more screen time, and junk food. When we try to control them, or teach disciplines and etiquette they obviously get irritated.
But, this is OK, because they are kids, they are loved and they will come back to us no matter what.

The problem is their dad. He has all the time in the world in his hand to spend on wrong things. He approaches the sad kid (after being disciplined by mom or grandma) and tell him/her that how controlling they are.
He tells them that he loves them, and wants them to enjoy life differently.
He tells them it is OK to stay at home and enjoy life or do a business and take life easy. For young kids, life is more attractive if you have more time for entertainments.
So, my son who is as lazy as his dad is now clinching towards dad, and thinks why mom and grandma are always being strict about studies and dscipiline and what have they gained by being so right in life?
He thinks it is better to stay at home and enjoy life than working like a horse and end up with health issues.
I am sure, he can't come to this conclusion on his own and doubt his dad's involvements behind.

But thankfully my girl, who is as active as me doesn't think like this and does good in her studies.
But, she has been emotionally blackmailed to some extend like not giving her the priority etc.. for sharing different ideas than dad. Of late, she thinks it is important to get dad's mercy because dad is the one who takes them to park, buys them snacks, etc....

My mom notices all this, and probably exaggerates them when I come back home.

I believe my H should step out of the house, and spend some quality time somewhere. He has become so venomous these days with so much self pity & negativity. His parents have poisoned him since the past decade and everything is now overflowing.
He needs to go out and come back normal. Or at least spend less time with the kids, else he will contaminate them.

Not all the children get contaminated with a bad company. My PILS tried their luck with all their 3 children. The other two sons smartly ditched them. My H became the victim.

My H did so well in life until he met his parents at the age of 30. He stayed away from them, studied well, joined a good company and married me before that. Meeting his parents was his declining point. They poisoned him, and he got so carried away to a point where he resigned from his job, started sharing all his savings with them, stealing from my accounts, and down with debt everywhere. In this process, he disconnected from his best friends, disoriented in life, started fighting with spouse and hated his own kids.
It took me a decade to bring him back to life, and clear his debt. Now that he is out of his parents' zone, but recovery is a long road for him.

My son on the other hand can easily get carried away by evil thoughts. He is like his dad, and very much weak with his thoughts
My H's negativities are affecting him big time, and I want to give him a reality check; hence all the issues yesterday.

 

Many thanks @Viswamitra Sir & @MadhuRK for your response.

You made me feel better, and thanks for pointing out my mistakes & unnecessary worries here.
I read & re-read almost all the responses here over the weekend, and found out some interesting solution to the problem.

As far as I know, the kids are fine. They may be reacting to the situation. But deep in their heart, they know who their mom is, and all the sacrifices I make for them. At the end of the day, they like me, love me and know I am here for them no matter what.
They also know their dad well, and despite of all this they love him. I am the reason behind their soft corner for dad, as I have always made sure kids love their dad, and see the positive sides of him.

However, the problem lies with my H and his insecurity, probably due to his joblessness. He didn't care of being jobless before, because he felt it was a punishment to me for not being his parents' slave. He was like either be my parents' slave or lose me (the benefits of being married to him)
He was rewarded by his dad for all the struggles I had to go though after marriage. And he enjoyed it like a fool, without knowing the fact that Karma is a boomerang.

His Karma started haunting him big time. His parents ditched him the moment they knew my finances are well secured and their son can't do anything to steal anymore.
By this time, he was out of his job for years and lost touch of it. Joblessness is now making his life hell, not because he is short of money, but because he is cut off from social life (no friends, no colleagues, no support system other than wife & kids).

So, his idle mind is working overtime on doing evil things.

He uses all the free time to corrupts the young kids by telling how good he is. To which, he often paint his counterpart - me in negative shades.

Eg: Yesterday was my DD's birthday. As a mom, on behalf of the family I did everything possible to celebrate her special day. Cooked special dishes, bought her gifts, new dress, shoes, and took her with family to a mall to spend the day.
Since everyone was involved, nothing seemed my effort, though I was the one who planned, and paid for the day's events. But I did that with the only focus of making her day special as usual.
But at the end of the day, my H gave a special, rather expensive gift to the girl as a surprise. He said it was his gift and repeatedly made sure the gift was just his and not mine. He even asked DD what was your mom's gift today?
It felt like I didn't give anything to her on my name. The kid has just turned 9, and didn't answer to his question. But she was surely humbled to receive such an expensive gift from dad.

The irony is, he did not save his pocket money to get this gift for DD. he just used my ATM card and got this. That's all.
We did not plan to get this expensive gift this time. That's why we bought an ordinary gift to DD as a customary gift from parents. Besides that, i've spend a lot on party arrangements, decorations, cake, dress, etc..etc...
I made tremendous efforts in cooking, backing special sweets and arranging video calls with all her cousins allowing time difference, making memories with pictures, cruise at dinner time etc..etc... But my H was part of everything when we actually implemented them as family. It looked as a family thing. Not as something coming from the mom.

He could have discussed with me about buying this gift. Even if that is from his pocket. We are parents and we should be discussing it together (at least I do that).
He should have included my name in the gift and told DD that mommy & I bought this for you!
Or at least, he should have stopped commenting on the part about my present to the little girl. Of course he knew I did not gift anything under my name, as everything I do counted as a family thing here.
It felt like he was doing it on purpose, and calculative playing with the little minds.

 

Many thanks @Laks09
I know all kids say things to make their parents guilty of something they do or not do. I know it is a phase and children will grow mature as they age. But my worry is different. Here the children are constantly brainwashed and made to believe that their mother isn't doing her role properly. They are blindfolded on the sacrifices I make for the family. By the time they become adult and mature, there won't be any evidence for my sacrifices or sufferings. All what matter is what they feel and what they have. This is my worry.

I realize the mistake of putting all the blame on my ILs instead of my H in the past. But I corrected myself, and started putting things where they belong. Even I have questioned my mom, siblings manytimes despite of them being nice otherwise. I have blamed my H for what he failed at.

But the major problem still lies with my ILs, which no one can deny. They took advantage of my H's weakness and his yearning for parental love. They prevented him from thinking rational using his blind faith in religious superstitions. They made the damage and blamed my starts, my children's horoscope and the timing of our marriage for his failure. This way, they damaged our relationship beyond repairable.

They did everything for the money I had. They managed to steal as much as they could until they were caught red handed. The moment I made the finances separate, they realized pampering their son is just a waste of time. So, they throw him away.

It was his mistake to be naive, to have blind faith in religious superstitions and to trust parents as if they were God. But then, he is the victim here. He has lost his job, lost all his savings, lost his wife's trust and the respectful place he had in his marital home. He had lost his health and what not.

I still do not have scientific evidence to call it BM. But it is a very calculative move by his parents to make a self made man, with promising future (a permanent job, savings, love life etc) to be their slave, and do whatever they dictated in the next decade.

His parents & his were not even living under one roof before he married me. There was a history of problems between the two in the past, which led him leave their home in his teens.

 

Dear @DDream
Thank you for your response. I am tired of standing up and telling the right thing in front of people. I have told my H where he was right and where he was wrong. I have told my children everything in clear terms. But I can't keep watching what is happening behind my back.
This is not a huge problem to worry here. I know this well.

In fact, I have told the child about this gift and the party and everything and she is fine. I have told my H, and he is fine too.

But the problem is deeper that what it appears here.

My H is feeling extremely insecure. He thinks what if kids stop loving or respecting him? What if they blame him for staying home down the line?
Instead of working on self and finding a better way to win kid's love, he resorted to a negative coping mechanism.
He wanted to tell the kids that he is staying home because he loves them and want them to be secured. if So, the next question comes as to why mom doesn't do that like other moms?
He could have told them that mom is working for us, to give us home & food on the plate. But, that would raise further questions as to why dad isn't doing that job?
So, whatever he does or says, ultimately he can't run away from his irresponsibility. So, he simply stated mom isn't loving as much as I am. Though jokingly, but constantly at various occasions especially when kids are sad following a disciplining session by me. This isn't normal. This can have lasting impact in my children's mind.


To add fuel to the fire..... My H was brainwashed in similar manner. When I was abroad immediately after marriage, his parents did this calculative brainwashing and it worked. I am still battling the after effects of something happened a few years before.
This is something in their blood line, i guess. They don't work hard for what they desire, rather they play mind games.

Again, not everyone fall for mind games. No one can play such games with me for a longer time. But there are weak minded people too. Like my H, my son shows signs of being emotionally weak. Such minds can easily be controlled.

I am very tired now, and I can\t go another round of unlearning sessions with kids for this. This is my worry.

 

I don't know what exactly you mean by 3 kids. But this is what I think right now. Treating my H as another child, like my other 2 pre teens, and teaching him of the good and bad things in life.

I think he is behaving this way because he has been controlled and manipulated by his parents for a long time. He was not the person before he met them in his early 30s.

Nevertheless, I am trying to find him a job, even if that is a voluntary position. He must have something to call as his profession, a place to go out other than the home, and some people to hang out with. This will drastically change his outlook and thought process in the future.