Extremely Distressing And Humiliating Behavior By Husband

If there is any physical abuse involved, I wont suggest you to go back. The fact that you are feeling better, speaks volumes. If he is a good father he will continue to be a good one even after seperation as joint custody is possible.

Abusers wont change easily. They love bomb for some time and show their true colors soon( for example watch new Hindi movie 'Darlings( 2022)). So I wont suggest anyone to go back to an abuser( verbal, emotional or physical ) or cheater. Its your choice on what to do.

I understand your confusion. So, I am trying to think that way too- what will happen if you go back. Only if there is no physical abuse. Realise that its too risky.

First evenif he promises so much, not good to go back soon. Watch and wait mode is the best. He created mess, if you are important he will show his efforts. If not, how can you believe. Also, how can you trust that there is no other woman. Let him treat his kids well.

Realise that if you go back your life will have a new normal evenif its to check how it goes before taking a final decision. You should not trust him blindly. So going back is not a final decision, just a break period to assess the situation for example a few months. The more you stay , you will be trapped in this marriage and may need immense strength to escape if you like to. I feel that you have suffered enough, do you want to waste time again for him ? Is he trying to protect his image by these new confessions.

So you have to create conditions like this. Yes there is 1% chance only if (1) there wont be any other women, so he has to be transparent ( truth is cheaters use family man image to get ' other woman , so its a shield. Who want a divorced man with history of abuse and responsibility of two kids)
2) no abuse( verbal/ emotional /physical /body shaming)
3) your salary goes to your account, no control on your personal space.
4) he should treat you with respect and should not share your matters with others evenif its your parents or family like he do now. If he has complaints or if his needs are not met, he has to communicate to you, not others
5) he should get involved in both child care and house hold duties
6) counselling is a good option if both like to work on building your marriage. But if is just for blaming each other it will create damage. So decide if thats an option to clear out differences, counseling can be considered
7) write it down and ask him to sign. Dont believe words
8) acknowledge that his past abuse and child birth resulted in health issues and it may take time to recover and heal, but you are trying
9) past is done , its a new beginning, so he or you should not bring it again or both sides of families into this for blaming each other. It will be a new start.
10) if he breaks his promises or show his true colors again by mistreating you, you will walk out if this marriage ( and file domestic violence and divorce?)

Just some wild thoughts here. Only you can asses. But evenif you back, you have to be in a high alert mode. Only benifit is that you wont have the regret that you didnt give a chance as you are kind of convinced by his words. Abusers can be manipulators too. So be smart enough to assess it as you only know the full story.

But ask this by yourself, do you love/ respect him or want to be with him or comfortable with him, or this is just for kids?if its the first your path is not easy. Leave or accept is the only way. Do you believe you deserve only this? Past experience suggest that toxic marriage is not good for you.

If its the second option dont go back, it wont work.
Marriage is between you two. Dont create a bad role model for kids by adjusting with an abuser you dont care.
Both( stay or leave) are not easy, take your own time to take a decision. But it should bring happiness, peace and healthy environment to yours and kids life.

If he really loves you, he will never abuse you or hurt you. So, dont believe his words blindly. He showed who he is believe in it. Love brings peace and happiness not abuse. You and your kids should be your top priority now. I wish you to gain clarity on what to do next .

 

Its better not to depend on anyone. May be you should consider another house ( rent or buy). You are financially independent, so you can hire people to help with kids and home. You need to take control of your life. Its sad that parents dont listen or support daughters . If that's the case, its better to stay away from them. This is the reason why many women,irrespective of financial drpendence, stay in abusive marriage.

All I can say is have different options ( plan A, B, C.. etc) before proceeding further. If you go back to husband and if he behave the same after the' honeymoon period' - what you will do? If your parents dont support you or give you space what you will do? . Have many questions, ready with answers, that will help you. Glad that you took a bold decision this time. Stay strong. Wishing you and kids all the best.

 

Hello dear,
I appear to have missed your earlier update so this is delayed reply.

Unlike you, I feel it’s actually worse that there was no other woman! He put you through all that torture just like that?? What the beck?? And he said all those mean things to motivate you?!!! Doesn’t he understand basic difference between motivation and mental abuse??

I don’t understand how absence of an affair, and the fact that all this was solely his doing somehow makes your situation better or his reasons more acceptable. According to me it makes it worse. There’s something seriously wrong with the man, insecurity, or something else, what I don’t know. You have to get to the bottom of it. What happened three years into the marriage to make him change so much? What is he hiding? You have to ask the hard questions.

No affair means the problem was in him all along. His family knew but supported him. Why is this a good thing? His atrocious behavior, shouting, taunting, abuse of you was just because he could, because he could get away with it. Because he never thought you would leave him over it. He said so himself right? For the first time your h is facing consequences for his actions, his decisions and his faulty thinking.

Or is he? Is he trying to reconcile because he, his mom and sis can’t deal with society’s questions after you left?

I mentioned earlier also society pressure will force him to reconcile and looks like that’s what happened. Of course he appears remorseful and anxious you forget everything and go back to him! He wants to regain the upper hand as quickly as possible.

Look it took a lot for you to leave in the first place. So make it count. You can’t keep doing this right? You have to make sure his remorse is genuine and not mere talk.

Take your time in deciding your next step. Delaying the decision is in your favor, as you get to heal, and it increases pressure on him.

When you feel upto it, first understand what was the real issue? Why he changed, why he behaved like that?
The issue is in him, his brain, his thinking. Insist you both consult a psychologist so what all was going on becomes clear. Don’t just accept his words for it. What’s the doctors diagnosis?

If you have any psychologist friends or colleagues consult them. How can this kind of mindset and behavior be treated? Is it really possible for such cases to change? They will guide you and suggest.

Next, set forth clear conditions to go back. Not empty promises but actionable goals. Once you clearly understand what is root cause of his problems formulate a plan to fix them. Take your colleagues help, create a treatment plan and insist he undergo that treatment. Make it a condition that he has to follow the treatment plan. Make all the steps as concrete as possible. for eg., ask him to attend an anger management counseling program. Not just sign up for it but he has to attend and complete the course and show the proof. Pick a serious course that’s long, a few months or year, because it takes time to change one’s habitual thinking. As a doc, you know this. If he’s genuinely sorry he will do it. If he was pretending he will show his true colors. The above was an example but you get the idea.
It’s unfortunate that your mother isnt supportive. Hopefully she will come around when she sees how you and your health are improving. Meanwhile make arrangements to stay separately to avoid pressure to reconcile from her side.

Finally, don’t make hasty or emotional decisions. You already came out which took a lot of courage so choose next steps carefully and decide all the matters systematically and resolve the issues once and for all. Next time you may not have the courage to come out like this.

Best wishes for a good resolution to your difficulties!

 

OP, I am a desi Indian woman ( old now ) and i have been staying on my own for years and years since when I was young after my divorce and my divorce was initiated by me as my parents instilled enough self respect in me to not take any abuse and harm my mental or physical health as I have heard how abused women develop mental or physical health issues by the time they get to their 40s or 50s…


and I consider everyday after my divorce as Gods blessing !!!

I don’t have a single family member in my town or nearby ..and I also have health issues but I manage everything on my own

and I know many desi women like that staying and managing everything on their own …

my neighbor is a desi divorced woman with 2 young children out of which the first one is SEVERELY DISABLED who can’t even talk , he can’t speak any word or walk properly but this woman stays on her own and manages everything on her own ..

no one likes grown up children staying and burdening old people in their old age when they are themselves suffering with old age issues … so some old parents end up saying things to their Adult children who live with them …

please , you are a GROWN up ADULT who is a doctor and you are saying that you can’t Manage living on your own but are blaming your old parents when they feel incapable of handling your stress or their old age lifestyle because of your permanent stay with them for months or years..,

please do some self introspection on why you despite being well educated and earning can’t stay on your own and why you need to depend on abusive husband or old parents when their are many single divorced Indian moms even with severely disabled children staying alone independently without a spouse or parents who stay separately in a different town or country

plesse GO to a good PSYCHOLOGIST and take therapy on why you have dependencies on others and why you can’t stay on your own independently when MAny many Indian woman are living on their own after divorce and away from their parents..

Sorry I had to say this as by my old age I am shocked to see young women in their 20s or 30s saying they can’t live independently despite earning their own money .. what’s the use of your education when you don’t have self reliance and need someone to stay with when the other party, be an abusive husband or old parents does not want to

…. please take some therapy from a good psychologist

 

Hi dear, hugs to you for going through this! but i am glad you are slowly taking a stance.

Remember, it might not be a stance, i would have taken or someone else would have taken, but you did never-the-less take one. I am proud of that fact. Pat yourself on the back. A step, no matter how small, will definitely be better for you. Make sure you dont go back! Doesnt matter the frequency of the steps, just keep taking those baby steps one at a time, at your own pace.

Dear, get one thing straight. All of us are dependent on someone or the other. Nothing to feel sad or bad about that. Just ensure that you dont depend on just one person. Split your dependency. And add yourself to that list.
Tired and need rest - Mom; responsibility with kids - husband;
MY HAPPINESS - MYSELF! MY SELF-RESPECT - MYSELF!

Its very very hard to un-learn and re-learn stuff specially when it comes our behaviour and relations. But try. Give 200% of your time to yourself. Imagine your child is growing up and what would you tell her? Do this, do that, this is the right way, right! Treat yourself as a child and guide yourself.

Everyday take time out to reflect on what you are feeling, how you are. Dont talk to anybody, just sit where ever you are comfortable and think. I usually talk to god like he is sitting next to me. Have these conversations and see if you can improve yourself to the vision that YOU have in mind.

Its ok dear. Everyone has that phase. Just that some of them have a better support system while others don't.

One thing in life is nobody can understand our problems like we do. Nobody sails with us to know how helpless we feel at times. Its ok. They are not meant to know coz only you and god know how far you had to travel alone. You dont have to explain to someone who doesnt understand what you went through. Thing is probably they might never, even if you sit them down and explain. So save your energy and effort for improving yourself and keep moving ahead.

Yes. Healing is a journey. A journey only you can travel at a speed you feel comfortable and to a destination you decide.

Long ago, when i was in a helpless situation, my friend used to get so angry at times coz she felt i went around in loops with my husband and the issues at home. She gave a shoulder for me to lean on. Even to this day, i am so grateful to her for being there for me. But what she didnt understand was my reaction to her solutions.

She was brave and she wanted me to do something i never could do at that point of time. No matter how much i explained it to her, she felt, i was just using various excuses to live with him.

What she didnt know was that i lacked the courage within me to take those steps she suggested. Not that i didnt agree with her solutions. Just that i lacked that courage and confidence to follow them through. But the best thing is she didnt stop listening and didnt stop suggesting to me even if didnt follow.

Eventually, i reached a stage where i started believing in every suggestion she gave. I started owning those solutions. You see, earlier, they were just my friend's suggestions. The minute i started believing in them, i saw them as MY solutions. I owned them now and i started having conviction of following them through and finally able to succeed.

So take your time with things. You will not gather courage in a day or a week or even a month.

Until you gather that courage and confidence, keep coming back to this thread of yours and read what each and every Illite has written. Read them everyday like a sloka or a mantra until you start believing in them. You will gain your confidence slowly.

And i know its hard to believe that abusers change their behaviour. Surprisingly at times, they do. I feel sad to say this but there was a time i was physically abused by my H as well. But as i said, one day, when it became too much for me to bear, i took a stance just like you did and started fighting back in my own way. I was ready to leave him and told him to apply for a Divorce and i spoke to a lawyer myself. That is when he changed.

Not that we dont have fights or arguments. He knows that i have limits and boundaries now which were invisible to him earlier. He hasnt abused my physically since that time and i should say, i was even doubtful to give him a chance. But he knew that i was serious when i threatened him with divorce and leaving him alone.

So chances are your husband might change or he might not. I would suggest, take your time. Check for yourself and see if he is really changing. Lets say even if he did do a complete 360' turn, dont believe him completely. Never believe anyone completely for that matter. Believe in yourself.

Stay strong. Your kids need you too. So help yourself so you can be there for them when they need help. My prayers are with you!

 

@beautifullife30
- very very wrong advice to the Op that by going back to abusive husband or threatening divorce , the abusive husband will change for the better …. In fact , it’s very very risky to think that if the abusive husband is being nice, everything is rosy

I don’t know how many real life incidents you know either through real life people or real
Life crime stories telecasted on television…

in fact, it’s the opposite, if abusive husband is behaving nicely for few days or months then the wife should become very suspicious and move away to a different place because in most of the cases, he is planning something bad .,..

in most of the real life crime stories , the abusive husband being nice is putting a facade and planning something sinister for the wife ( if you watch real incident
based crime stories, you will get an idea ) ..,

it’s very very risky to go back to emotionally or physically abusive husband .. real life crime stories will tell you what happens to the wife that was being abused either emotionally or physically by the husband , who for some time changed for good for few days or months …

In one of my relatives case, the abusive husband was planning to ‘*ill’ my relative as he was in affair with another woman .. my other cousin somehow got a whiff perhaps through some household maid and took my cousin out of her husbands house on some pretext., poor lady could not believe that her hubby was planning something Sinister for her and she finally took divorce as she understood that life is very precious ..,

most of the men who Abuse are either in affair with another woman( they may be nice for sometime when one affair ends but will start another soon ) or have bedroom issues ( hope you understand - just having a baby is also not a guarantee of perfect bedroom life ) …

I would never ever advise emotionally or physically abused woman, if it was my sister or daughter or relative or a stranger to go back to the abusive husband on any condition even if he seems to be acting nice ( my relatives case and many real Life crime stories of India and west also show the real ugly Truth on what happens in most of these cases ) ..

by the way, most of the abuse always starts emotionally and when the woman keeps bearing husbands emotional abuse , then they escalate to physical, especially in west, including desi men


many desi men like my ex or non desi men in west stick to emotional abuse to avoid going behind bars but ——emotional abuse is equally disgusting as physical and that is why, many abused women , even emotionally abused wives develop mental Health issues in later age and some desi women end up committing suicide even in west ..,


One such case happened in New York where the desi woman committed suicide after 8 years of abuse by her husband and after real bad abusive incident one day..

life is precious and I have heard how abused wives who keep themselves in abusive marriage ( even emotionally abusive ones) become mentally Weak and have dependency issues like the OP or commit suicide like the New York desi woman case ..that’s why I recommended a visit to psychologist but she just assume that I and other desi women who managed to divorce abusive men were born or raised strong …the truth is women like me trained ourselves mentally to become strong and that could happen only when we kept ourselves away from the abusive husband …

i would give my daughter or relative or friend the same advise as to why they should not go back to abusive husband or why they should not continue staying with an abusive husband as he is not going to change to lord Rama but if he is pretending to be nice, one should get much more suspicious….evil abusive men don’t change just like that

eventually abusive and Cheater men go back to their old ways of abusing and cheating soon enough

also some desi men in west before divorce buy time by pretending to be nice before applying for divorce to move their assets to leave their wife high and dry after divorce ..

Why would you earn bad karma by telling an abused woman that she is being strong by going back to an abusive husband who might be pretending to change for some time ..

yes truth is bitter but just like a doctor advises bitter But correct treatment like chemotherapy for a cancer patient, one should give Correct advice which may not sound rosy but battered women anyhow develop mental weakness so they are thinking everything will be rosy and brush off realistic advice ..

Anyhow, I was very hesitant on posting anything here but I have done my karma by telling real Life incidents and experiences , rest is up to the Op..

 

Oh wow...i dont know if you read my post completely. But for the sake of better understanding, let me elaborate.

First, i was not insisting that the OP go back to her husband. Nor am i insisting that she leave him.

My entire post, and the intention behind writing it was to let her know that healing takes time. I know coz i have been there at one point. I was an empty shell and i lost all confidence in myself. I didnt have family support or negligible support from my parents. It was very very hard for to take any decisive step.

Though i was earning or at some point, i was the 'only earning' family member, i was still so unsure, so less confident. I was scared to meet the eyes of strangers. I was very vulnerable to everything. It took me a lot of time, support form my friends, gather courage to reach where i am now.

I understand that all of us from our outside point of view, look at it as 'how dare he' and 'why should she'...but when you look at it from inside, you will know that every single act or step is extremely hard for a person in such a stage.

You are asking the OP to run from there when she is unable to stand. All i am asking her is to stand and talk slow steps to regain her confidence.

You should understand that (i know firsthand coz i have lived it) no matter how much you say, it is not possible to right away leave a relationship specially an abused lady getting so much courage all of a sudden is not possible until she has a support system. It felt to me that the OP had little support from her family. So i asked to start rebuilding her confidence.

As i said, i did not base my advice on crime shows or news. My advice has been solely based on my experience.

Yes, even i wouldnt too. But i have come to realise that life is not just black and white but a multitude shades of grey. My husband did turn around and he is now a better version of himself. At that time, had you asked me if I wanted to live my husband or leave, i would have answered you 'I dont know what to do. I am so scared'. I was scared. But slowly, i took time to understand myself and him.

And i was asking OP to just do that.

I wouldnt generalise much here. I dont know what all abuses the OP faced or what her husband is going through. I wuld always give a benefit of doubt...a second chance if it was me. But again, it was only because i knew abou my husband.

If you read my last lines you would know that i told her to take her time in understanding him and even if he did turn around into a new person, she should never trust anyone blindly or completely.

Sadly that is life for some of us.

@lakshmi888 i dont know about good karma or bad karma. I was not trying to earn a good karma here by giving my advice.

When i went through the situation, i was extremely lonely, scared, afraid of the world and didnt know what to do. But after having endured all that and coming back to my feet, i felt that no should no go through what i went through and i try my best to help out where i can.

I had a friend who helped me so i try to do my part now in trying to help where i can. My only intention was that and will be that when i reply or suggest something to people.