Violence In South Asian Marriages - Another Victim

It cannot be denied that South Asian families can put a lot of pressure on young adult children to get married, have kids, or to stay on in an unhappy or abusive marriage. But in this particular case, we do not yet know anything other than what Khan shared in her TikTok videos before her untimely death and what her friends have been saying since.

South Asian Woman's Killing Sparks Community Reflection

She spoke about pushback from her community and family members not just about her decision to leave her marriage, but also about sharing her experience so candidly. “Going through a divorce as a South Asian woman feels like you failed at life sometimes. The way the community labels you, the lack of emotional support you receive and the pressure to stay with someone because ‘what will people say’ is isolating,” Khan wrote in a TikTok posted in June. “It makes it harder for women to leave marriages that they shouldn’t have been in to begin with.”
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I find it disturbing that based on a few one-sided lines in tiktok posts her family and ex-husband can be so easily vilified in the media.

Maybe her family tried to persuade her to stay in the marriage, to give it more time, like a parent might tell a child to give college or a job another try. Or like a parent might meet a child in a coffee shop to gently say that her current partner is not a good choice. When Khan was firm in her decision to divorce, maybe they moved on to asking her not to post divorce stuff on tiktok? Do we really know how much and for how long they were against the divorce? Is it a sin if a parent is initially against child's divorce but comes around to the idea with time?

Her marriage - how do we know her husband was abusive, manipulative etc? Maybe it was a simpler case of irreconcilable differences? As simple as he did not like her being on tiktok?

Ex-husband: How do we know he was entitled and could not accept that she left him? Maybe he could accept the divorce but not the way she talked about their private life and issues on tiktok? Maybe it was agreed that tiktok would stop after marriage?

He killed her. Is such killing limited to entitled South Asian men? Isn't it unfortunately quite common in all cultures for a spurned lover or spouse to do such drastic things?

It is beyond sad that she died so young and the way she died. But why do we have to dump the wholesale blame on her family, community and ex? Maybe, just maybe, it ended like this only due to her posting all this on tiktok? Isn't it common wisdom to avoid social media during divorce?

Until I know if her ex was abusive etc, I feel sorry for him too. A divorce initiated by the spouse is a tough time as it is, one doesn't need that spouse posting about it on social media as well. Maybe the loss of face in the community and at work or when job-hunting drove him to the extreme act of killing her and himself?

Googling showed that documenting one's divorce on tiktok draws lot more views than other videos and it is a trend. One learns something new everyday, I guess.

Her father posted on her FB page about the funeral day and time. What a weekend to be planning your child's funeral and reading and watching what the whole world wants to say about so private a matter. How it must feel to read "a divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter."

A vivacious young woman gets killed. Let's bring out the usual suspects of patriarchy, community, parents, backward South Asians, flog them, feel good after expressing outrage and back to routine. Why care about other possibilities? That's boring and too much work.

 

Yes, I am serious. I mean what I wrote in the post. Not what you have selectively quoted or your interpretation of it.

He just couldn't take that she moved on in life OR that the circumstances of his divorce was all over social media? There is a difference between the two.

I was myself surprised at my reaction to the story. So, I actually thought about it for a day or two before posting. I asked myself how would I feel if my child ever went through a divorce and its details were posted on social media against his/her wish. I wondered how my extremely private child would take it. It was a scary thought.

I am not saying he got her city or address from tiktok / fb.

Have you watched the TikTok videos? I have. Had to create an account and watch on desktop, not phone. Like I said, it is boring and takes time to look at all possibilities in such cases.

The videos are not all about raising awareness of unsupportive South Asian families or highlighting how divorce is stigmatized. They are "before divorce" and "after divorce" (before one in a sober shirt and jeans, after one in a saucy dress). The hashtags are #divorceglow and so on.

I am saying there is a possibility that her posting the divorce saga on Tik Tok played a part. Public humiliation can make people take drastic steps. There was an Indian origin nurse who was in the hospital staff when Kade Middleton was having a baby. Two newspaper reporters called pretending to be from the royal family, and she put them through to the new mom or something. The royal family was cool about the mistake. News of the prank call however went viral. The nurse (or whatever her job was) committed suicide a few days later, had young teen children.

 

I get where you are coming from. We have young adults of similar ages. I also see the way kids twists things about their "brown" parents when things don't go their way. Basically, anytime that your parents put their foot down, it has to be because of that dang oppressive Indian Patriarchy. And of course, some of these things get posted on various social media sites.

I don't agree with it but neither do I engage with these perceptions anymore. All kids their age do it. It's a rite of passage for them. Mostly blaming the parents and the culture. It's not just desi kids but I have chinese neighbors and they do similar things. In a way they are finding their own identities. Is it so bad? I didn't have tik tok growing up, but I believe I've done all of the same things at that age. If there was exposure like today, back when I was this age, I would be much more rebellious. I think my parents just lucked out that there wasn't social media back then.

If it did, then the man was not of sound mental health to begin with. That should probably jump at us more than social media shaming. If so, then I can only assume what the marriage was like. The young lady has mentioned that this marriage should not have even taken place. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt here. Who can label something as emotional abuse? If the man was preventing her from leading her life her way, and from the looks of it she was very westernized, some people call it irreconcilable difference but for some others, it is emotional abuse. I can see my child getting stifled in such a restrictive relationship impacting her mental health.

A few months ago, one of my DD's friends got married. I didn't know whether to send my blessings or go shake those parents. She isn't the kind to be able to survive in a restrictive marriage, especially at this age. There are people out here, especially in some communities, who do push marriages on their young American daughters. It's the unfairness of this, that rankles most posters here and most people who read such news.

Yes, putting it on tik tok is something that even lawyers advice against but it's the least of the issue here. The young woman got her life together. She did get out, find a place, make plans to have a future. More than tik tok being the trigger, it probably gave her the outlet. It probably helped her get out and make those plans. It's a double edged sword, social media.

I do feel for the parents. Nobody should be put through the trauma of reading all this, especially while their grief is so raw. I also think no woman should be put in this position in the first place. Just by witnessing such a marriage, my compassion is dimmed a little. It wasn't about them in the first place, it was supposed to be about her.