Serious Problem In Marriage - What To Do

Moonlight89 · Jul 18, 2022

This is my close friend's experience in her own words....
I have been married for over 3 years now. For me and my husband it is the second marriage.
My first marriage lasted only a month; I noticed serious psychological problems in my husband and his family was very regressive lying type. In just one month of marriage he fought for no reasons and i had serious doubts about him due to his bad behavior toward me on the phone during our brief engagement.
So I ended the marriage without prolonging it and my family supported me whole heartedly and thought better to get out of this marriage early without kids.
My present husband's first wife ended the marriage after 3 months of staying together as she didn't want to stay with his mother and he was not agreeing for a separate house.
Our marriage was an arranged one like the earlier one. He is the only child.
I am from hyderabad and he is from Bangalore so I shifted there after marriage.
This time he and his parents decided that we will stay in another flat in the same building so that our marriage will not have the same fate as his first one.
We spoke on the phone for 2 months before the wedding.He was alright most of the time but as the wedding approached he started complaining about my family and them not planning the wedding grandly. He and his family were very unhappy with everything like hotel, my dress jewellery look etc
A few petty issues took place just a day before but we decided to go ahead with the wedding as we thought these are not important.
In these 3 years we have been together for all except maximum 20 days overall when i visited my home.
We have not been able to have sex even once.
In the beginning, first 8 to 10 months or so he had good erections.
He used to be hard every day and initially one month we were fasting and couldn't try for sex much.
Whenever we tried he would say i was too tight and not letting him enter. ( i had sex 2 times in my first marriage)
He was against me using lubricant and i didn't know then how to relax my vagina.
Slowly our frequency of trying sex came down from 4 -5 times a week to once a week.
Six months of unconsummated marriage we went to a senior sex medicine psychiatrist and counsellor; he said we need to work on our emotional and relationship issues and automatically our sex life will be normal.
But he was not interested in talking and said he wants quick results.
His major problem was his over attachment to his mother and anger towards first wife especially her parents for being progressive enough to encourage support their daughter for divorce.
In his mind his family 'us' is he and his parents. Our counsellors would tell him that he needs to step back from his parents to form bond with me but that would make him furious.
After few months of very irregular visits to counsellor(as he felt it was waste of money and time) and not much compliance with his instructions Covid started.
Almost a year of our marriage passed by then and attempts for sex had become very less ie around once a month.
Negativity and hostility had become undercurrent. He hated my parents my Hyderabadi background etc and always used to put me down initially mildly and by then very hatefully.
In every aspect he used to trouble/humiliate/mock/degrade me.
Example
You don't even know how to catch a ball how did you study physics (i am a Mbbs Md doctor who was state topper in physics)
Always criticizing my looks body hair etc when i am very above average in looks
By now I was working as a professor in a medical college so was busy. Time was flying.
I decided to do something about my vaginal tightness and got vaginal dilators which made me much more open and loose down there within a month.
By then we had almost stopped trying because he said due to past experiences he doesn't get turned on/ loses erection at the time of trying.
Other than this, our marriage was not good, a year after getting married first time he progressed beyond screaming shouting by pushing shoving etc
I was horrified but was stuck in the covid lockdown and couldn't even go to my home in Hyderabad
This kind of behavior happened once in 2 or 3 months. Gradually i was reacting less to it and i remember once i pushed him shoved him back as i felt so powerless.
In a month we would be fighting for atleast half of it and slowly it became so negative full of hatred from his side.
One of his major reasons to hate me is that he feels very guilty that he is living separately from his mother, who keeps complaining about it at every chance. His mother thought once our marriage becomes stable maybe in a year then all of us will inevitably stay together in one home/flat.
But I cannot accept that as she is too dominating interfering and I am an independent girl since childhood. Instead of keeping a cook to help her she would expect me to assist her in her over the top cooking which I am not interested in. I am very diet and health conscious and she hates that as she fears I will make her son thin. She feels her family is controlled by her food so she behaves abnormally always saying that two of us should cook in same kitchen and all four of us should eat together.
I would much rather stay single than give in and do all that.
Last time my husband and I tried sex was in Jan 2021, where he actually entered me fully as my vagina had become loose due to dilator but he pulled out immediately in 10 seconds and said i am too dry he cannot ejaculate(not getting excited stimulated)
He had a good sex life in his first marriage and i believe him he's not lying.
He tells i am too thin not busty, his first wife was fat tall broad voluptuous so I am not sexually attractive to him
when I ask him why he married me if he likes fat voluptuous girls not thin girly ones like me he told he didn't think it would be important now he feels it is important.
Past one year our marriage is without any basic affection or kindness. He has pressure from his mother for kids so he actually suggested ivf 2 years into our marriage. But i didn't want to give up so we found another doctor last September who motivated us saying he has helped many such couples in our situation.
Now his parents have constructed a new duplex house and they will move there shortly; first floor for us though we plan to stay in this rented flat
I had asked him to keep a separate kitchen on the first floor for me so I could have some peace but he and his family didn't even consider it saying one house one kitchen only. I consoled myself thinking we will be going there only weekends and festivals holidays etc
But then he revealed how much he hates me for making him separate from his parents.
When he is asked whether he married for himself or his parents he cannot even answer because he thinks he and his parents are one and the same.
He keeps degrading me my looks my dressing shoes purse etc
calls me dumb stupid when I know i am incredibly smart
He behaves like a mother in law not like a husband.
I felt living with him was unbearable but was continuing as it is my second marriage and I want kids very badly.
Am too scared broken to try a third time.
Last month he behaved very badly(kicked me as if
I were a dustbin along with the usual pushing shoving mild hitting which had become normal i guess)
I felt so degraded the same day I left Bangalore and returned to Hyderabad
Also i think i couldn't bear to think of staying with his mother even for weekends as their house construction is over now.
I request those who can understand my problem to give me advice or guidance

SGBV, Yellow Mango please reply soon

DDream · Jul 19, 2022

First of all, we can't believe his story that he had great *** life as his first wife left within three months. There are many things we dont know.

If your marriage is not consumminated, you have the option to annul your marriage. Only you can judge that. consult attorney

This marriage work only if both of you like to work on it. You are the best judge of your situation. You need to figure out what you want. Whats your parents opinion.

Whats the point in bringing a kid to unhappy marriage? You can find posts here on how women went for ivf in a sexless marriage and end up in abusive situation( one of my accquintance recently divorced after 25 y of asexual marriage but have kids through ivf). The men in those cases protect their image when they have kids and all blame will be on the women.Will you adjust with a sexless, loveless marriage? He will be a momma's boy for sure. They expect you to adjust. But dont yiled in to their demands. Define boundary.

Tell him you won't go for ivf or kid unless you guys have a good marriage.
As you have so much effort, you can try for the last time by setting a time line. So that you wont regret your decision. But if there is any abuse, I wont suggest anyone to stay in any relationship.
What about a trip with your h away from these. May be that will help. You dont have to accept his verbal abuse. You need to set your boundaries and stop him when he you put you down.

Whats the point in staying with a person who like you as a delivery machine and nothing else? If he care, love or respect you, his approach would haveen different. You are already invested 3y. Only positive is that he agreed to see professionals on this issue,but may be he lost his confidence.

Can write down 10 reason why you want to be in this marriage and 10 reason why you don't want to be in.May be that will give clarity.

I undestand your mental state and sad to see an educated , independent women feel helpless. Hope you find a solution soon

You need to tag like this @yellowmango, @SGBV, @Rihana

drdiva · Jul 19, 2022

Dear Op..
You appear to b a smart, well educated women but yes personal life is also important. What you can try for now is get separated and see if there is a change in your DH and inlaws..like they agree to minimize interference ..Try separation and then take a decision. He doesn't seem to b a stable person as previous bitterness is still there in him and he is not able to perform in bed. So many cases are there in which women are fed up of their married life but want kids..You can adopt kid or go for ivf and be busy with your kids and lead a better life..This is my personal opinion as I feel if you don't get a good companion..and have kids ..life becomes meaningful..so I differ in this regard from most people who say why to bring kids into life if marriage is not stable.

MalStrom · Jul 19, 2022

Physical abuse is a glaring red flag and a complete dealbreaker IMO.
You say he is pushing, hitting and shoving you in these early days of marriage when you are not even living with in-laws. How can you respect someone who will lay a hand on you when he is unable to cope?
What will happen when you have children? Little kids can be a huge stressor on the marriage especially if your relationship in already rocky. What will he do then? If your in-laws live with you or close by then they can all gang up on you. Are you prepared to handle that? Is this a healthy environment into which to bring an innocent life?
You are a well educated woman living in a modern society. Make a good decision based on facts, not emotions.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Divyasaravanan · Jul 19, 2022

My advise definitely might sound bizarre. We've all seen some really successful women who chose to remain unmarried since they were not able to find any suitable partner. And as old age kicks in, they are left lonely without any immediate family and a lot of wealth! I've always wondered, why didn't they just marry some XYZ man for the sake of kids, atleast in old age they would've had a family to live with. Its getting very common in foreign countries these days, ladies in their late thirties who are not able to find a suitable partner are opting for IVF using an unknown donor and choose to be a single mom! India is no foreign, this kind of pregnancy will attract unwarranted criticism! I see a lot of ladies comment that it's not good to bring a child in to an unhappy marriage. Thats very true! But what about OP? This is her second marriage, might be in her mid 30s. Whats the chance of getting a third marriage and bearing a child after that? Almost NIL.

If I were you, I would go for an IVF, have a child or two. In the meantime, stand my ground that I cannot move in with the in laws. Husband might or might not change after kids. Just walk out if nothing works even after kids. Laws in this country favor women, you'll definitely get full custody of your kid(s). It's just not easy going through IVF in a broken marriage, being a single mom, going through divorce and custody battle, but end of it when you will look back after 15,20 years, it'll all be worth it. You'll not be living alone, you'll be surrounded by your lovely children and grandchildren.

drdiva · Jul 19, 2022

Divyasaravanan said: ↑

My advise definitely might sound bizarre. We've all seen some really successful women who chose to remain unmarried since they were not able to find any suitable partner. And as old age kicks in, they are left lonely without any immediate family and a lot of wealth! I've always wondered, why didn't they just marry some XYZ man for the sake of kids, atleast in old age they would've had a family to live with. Its getting very common in foreign countries these days, ladies in their late thirties who are not able to find a suitable partner are opting for IVF using an unknown donor and choose to be a single mom! India is no foreign, this kind of pregnancy will attract unwarranted criticism! I see a lot of ladies comment that it's not good to bring a child in to an unhappy marriage. Thats very true! But what about OP? This is her second marriage, might be in her mid 30s. Whats the chance of getting a third marriage and bearing a child after that? Almost NIL.

If I were you, I would go for an IVF, have a child or two. In the meantime, stand my ground that I cannot move in with the in laws. Husband might or might not change after kids. Just walk out if nothing works even after kids. Laws in this country favor women, you'll definitely get full custody of your kid(s). It's just not easy going through IVF in a broken marriage, being a single mom, going through divorce and custody battle, but end of it when you will look back after 15,20 years, it'll all be worth it. You'll not be living alone, you'll be surrounded by your lovely children and grandchildren.
Click to expand...

Exactly my point..maybe I was not able to put my feelings into words..

PurpleRoses · Jul 19, 2022

Dear OP, you are a doctor but that said, you are also a woman with needs of love, security, protection and respect.
1st divorce itself makes it difficult to get remarried even though we all talk about progressive mindset and divorce is common and blah blah.
So I certainly understand your mental agony to have an unhappy unconsummated 2nd marriage and fear of gettinf divorced 2nd time and a 3rd marriage!
IMO, there are 3 major reasons to go for a divorce -
1) physical abuse/sexual abuse
2) sexless marriage and disrespect
3) infidelity of any kind - virutal chats/calls/emotional/physical

You can decide for yourself about what is the deal breaker for you to end this marriage?

If at all you want to save this marriage, you need to be firm on few things...
1. No physical abuse no matter what. If he cant control his hands, you warn him to call police in or divorce him for good. No negotiation on this.
2. Sex - I feel that normally the sexual drive is high for any man unless he is by default asexual or has any health issues like obesity or diabetes or erection problems. Since you are a doctor, try to findout if any of these issues bother him.
Men and male ego are like twins! No man will accept he has a sexual problem. Do you know if he satusfies himself through other means? Like watching p0*n ?
3. To build good physical intimacy, you need to work on bonding with each other as husband and wife. Constant fights abuses wont help in having sex!
4. He def has proven he is a mammas boy evident by his 1st divorce and now your turbulent marriage life. You cant change such men. Be firm that if you are forced to live with his mother then it might lead to his 2nd divorce as well.
Once he knows that you are not afraid of taking the plunge, he might tread carefully too as its 2nd marriage for him as well.
But try ro be cordial with his mother n do your duties as DIL as most husbands will melt in if they see their wives taking good care of husband's mothers!

5) about kids - if you are planning to go for IVF then dont rush, 1st settle issues in your mareiage and the go for kids.
I agree with few people that even if marriage is unhappy, sometimes kids will be the biggest happiness to such woman

MalStrom · Jul 19, 2022

Divyasaravanan said: ↑

My advise definitely might sound bizarre. We've all seen some really successful women who chose to remain unmarried since they were not able to find any suitable partner. And as old age kicks in, they are left lonely without any immediate family and a lot of wealth! I've always wondered, why didn't they just marry some XYZ man for the sake of kids, atleast in old age they would've had a family to live with. Its getting very common in foreign countries these days, ladies in their late thirties who are not able to find a suitable partner are opting for IVF using an unknown donor and choose to be a single mom! India is no foreign, this kind of pregnancy will attract unwarranted criticism! I see a lot of ladies comment that it's not good to bring a child in to an unhappy marriage. Thats very true! But what about OP? This is her second marriage, might be in her mid 30s. Whats the chance of getting a third marriage and bearing a child after that? Almost NIL.

If I were you, I would go for an IVF, have a child or two. In the meantime, stand my ground that I cannot move in with the in laws. Husband might or might not change after kids. Just walk out if nothing works even after kids. Laws in this country favor women, you'll definitely get full custody of your kid(s). It's just not easy going through IVF in a broken marriage, being a single mom, going through divorce and custody battle, but end of it when you will look back after 15,20 years, it'll all be worth it. You'll not be living alone, you'll be surrounded by your lovely children and grandchildren.
Click to expand...

What about the children in this scenario who have no say in being born? Will they not grow up and ask where their father is? No law is going to prevent a child from knowing the story of their origins.

sociallifein30s · Jul 19, 2022

I think most women in this forum are like me who want children .. and badly want children. We marry to have children. I married for children too.
I think we all know the "right" thing to do. Happy marraige, love the man, get loved. have a strong relationship, else counselling, then children.
But the reality for people like us is - we dont have that chemistry. But we hope it will come some day like it came for our parents/ancestors. But we want children - like right now. Thats THE point of contention that we all have.

I am all for "marriage for children" concept. Except in your case, for the physical abuse part. Thats just unsafe. You need to take that call about how much to tolerate for children. Maybe have some close friends live close by. Or any family friends or even parents can live close by so you have a cover for yourself. Or a womens hostel. Or a group of women who live together in an apartment. Have those contacts handy.
Unfortunately, we are not anywhere close to the "Western" acceptance of single moms.
Be smart - you already endured enough. So if theres a way to get some returns (child) without anymore physical abuse, I suggest invest in it. As far as I have seen, Indian men want shared custody for male child. If it is a girl child, they dont really care. (This is what I saw. MIne is also second marriage. The matches I used to get were all calling themselves "almost no children" because a girl was born and the mom took her. The father didnt even see her face, so its like no children. BUt boy child, they always share custody)

DDream · Jul 20, 2022

What about the kids in an abusive marriage.
Dont they deserve a normal happy life? What are the impacts of having a broken family on kids, still a debate, it can depend on the location too.

Going for kids through ivf when marriage otherwise peaceful is different from kids in a toxic/abusive marriage. Isnt selfish, knowingly bring kids to a toxic environment just because we want kids.

OP, needs to assess and clearly define what exactly she wants and stick with it. Is this marriage only for kids, can she live with MIL? Can she live in an asexual marriages? If not, what are the other alternatives? If her MIL dominate every thing including childrens care, how she will manage. Can she live in another house, with kids and h can visit? So many questions are there.

But I am concerned about the physical and emotional abuse, thats a red flag. If your h treats you well, I am sure you will not have this confusion on going for kids, using whatever methods.

If its abuse free marriage going for kids can work as it satisfy our needs to have a family of our own. There is no guarantee that we will be surrounded by kids in old age and they will takecare of us. So, its better not to have any expectations.