hi guys, Last year on December 12th, my family and I made a decision to visit my village to help restore our dilapidated house. At that time, we thought it was a simple matter of just repairing the house. We didnt know what we were getting into. Its been 7 months now and we are still fighting for our rights and our share. 7 months of village petty politics, idiotic gossip, nonsensical lectures, stupid talks and illogical conclusions. In this process, I feel I lost myself. I was a bubbly, cheerful person. A baby's laughter, a romantic song, my kids stories, every small tiny thing used to make me teary eyed with happiness. Nothing could keep me down. But now i no longer recognize myself. Nothing makes me feel at peace. I am constantly having to speak out against nonsense that i have almost started giving it back to people in a rude manner. I am even impatient with my kids. I feel i have become a rude person. I am no longer caring about sensibilities and what is not to be spoken. I have taken a direct approach to reach my means. My mom, husband and my sister say they are glad i am fighting like this. But i feel very wrong on the inside. I feel like i have lost myself in this madness for property share. I dont know if this is right or wrong. I feel empty inside. Empty, angry and bitter. Due to the fight, i am unable to leave the place even for a few days. We had to invest a bit to sort things out a bit here and that has taken a toll on our finances. So i cant take vacation trips or anything like that even for a few days. I started practicing yoga and meditation hoping it would help me relax but its a long lost cause. My mind is not sane anymore. I am constantly thinking about how to give it back imagining different situations. In-between all this, this village should hold the record for nonsense since all hear is nasty rumors. Rumors that i killed my dad, my mom killed my dad, my children killed my dad all spread by my dad's sister. when i heard it the first time, i felt like killing myself but today, nothing bothered me. It didnt make me feel sad or angry. I just brushed it off. But, this is bothering me more. Have i developed a thick skin? Have i gone ruthless? Am i cold hearted? Why do these things not hurt me anymore? I dont know if my post makes sense!
@beautifullife30, you are not alone in feeling like this. For most of us, when we deal with a huge challenge in life, it can take such a toll. It saps away our energy, spirit and gentler parts of our personality. We do the bare minimum in all things other than the current huge challenge. Mindfulness, yoga, walks, me-time, self-care, all will help but they don't have instant effect. Like medicine or vaccination, they take time to have effect and one has to keep up the practice even if it seems to not be helping right away. On a more practical note, I found that tweaking my approach to the problem helps. The difference is whether we treat the problem like a guest or a member of the household. I used to treat it like a guest, giving it all my energy, putting many things on hold, and telling myself the "guest" will leave in a few days. Better-half's approach was to treat the problem like a part of our life. I learned from that. Accept that the problem is going to be around for a while, give it attention and time, but not at the cost of life's other to-do's and pleasant stuff. That was key: treating the problem like it is a part of life, not my whole life.
I was once a very insecure, inferior, and soft kid. I did not have many friends in college, and no one recognized my presence before I got married and moved in to my evil in laws' house. 13 years later, today I am an out-spoken woman. Brave & confident person. I am called as a strong girl, and so many people follow my footsteps for success. I have many friends today, and I have become the center of attention at many places. This helps both personally & professionally. During this process, there were many times, I felt lost. I missed my real me. I felt miserable with conflicting emotions. With the support of prayers, meditation and self love I was able to find the real me from within and strike a fine balance. I am strong, yet emotional. I am weak yet courageous. I am everything! But I am me. Hang in there... This is the testing time. You will get there one day, and be the better version of yourself.
Thanks @Rihana and @SGBV Your replies helped me sail through the tough times. I read it over and over whenever i lost confidence in myself. I was not able to respond earlier but my sincere thanks for helping me sail through those tough times. Not that the tough times are over now but i am able to face them better now!
First thanks for posting your feelings, because I m in the same boat. Only difference is my husband is fighting for his ancestral property and he is fighting with his uncles, who are also my close relatives.. we live by next next houses, so everyday a tiny word spark can lead to fight.. I couldn't able to feel my day as peaceful.. As rihana said , we have to accept this problem ourselves and try to move on..
Property issue takes quite a bit of time. 7 months is not that long. You have to be careful on how you invest your energy since it is not a sprint run rather a marathon so brace yourself with tools and energy to face this battle. The other party will fight till the end because they have nothing to lose. I will assure you will emerge as a better person after all this is over. It is a transformation phase so be patient Don't answer any rumors.They will have its own cycle and die on its own. Focus on what you want and don't get distracted. I'm sorry you are going through this try to offload some responsibilities to them These conflicts are normal and you need to remind yourself that you are fighting for your rights. You need to remind yourself you are also a human at the end of the day. See if you can join some online groups for spiritual chanting or learning. It helps you to believe there is supreme force above you . Think of the worst case scenario. Then assume that there is 50/50 chances of that happening. Once you prepare your mind for both the outcome you will feel better this is inevitable Don't get into verbal arguments. It is of no use. Once you win this battle everything will become irrelevant. People who don't like you will still gossip. People who understand you will still support you. Get past the phase of I need to prove that I'm good person. It is of no use. Keep your emotions aside. You are in war zone. Your emotions won't help. Be calm so your brain can function properly. Don't cloud your thoughts with emotions. She is just a extended family not your immediate family. So that is a big plus. You are transforming to become a person who is standing up against unlawful and illegal encroachment of land by your aunt. Focus on your goal. You will regain your personality once everything gets over. I can assure you that.
