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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    You have achieved a lot of this inspite of constant abuse.
    Me or my friends wouldn't be able to do so much.
    A good father will buy food for the kids
    Be worried about their health
    Will take them out to parks and activities.

    He not feeding you when pregnant itself is a big proof that he's a bad father.
    Take care.
     
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  2. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    like @chanchitra mentioned OP’s husband does not do a thing for children, does not get food for her when she is sick and she calls her husband a good father ..

    a good father is one who feeds his children, looks after them 24 by 7 when they are sick , even when they are well a good father takes them to various appointments, helps them with their food , feeds them food , washes their dirty dishes and cleans up after then as children spill food and snack or eat multiple times in a day, cleans all messes made by them many times a day, teaches them good manners , helps them with their homework etc…

    While OP’s husband curses her children’s mother when she is doing all other work 100 percent by herself while he does nothing .. on top of it, when she is sick , he does not even buy food for her and on a daily basis , asks for her income despite making much more than her !!!

    many men are excellent fathers …


    OP needs clinical therapy from a good psychologist ….

    she seems to be emotionally damaged because even after multiple advise from sane women here , Every month she writes a post with the same kind of problems ..,
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2022
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    ye
    yes. we have already told her to go for counseling
     
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    Since she is subjected to extreme narcissisitc abuse for decade or more, she keeps posting here probably to vent out and seek external validation for herself that she is not at fault for the abuses she is subjected to! She doesn't get it even now depsite all the forum ladies advices. He is bad father worser husband and a pathetic male!
     
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  5. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    unfortunately these kind of mothers/women like OP set a very bad example for their progeny by tolerating abuse and justifying it by saying- oh he might not be good husband but he is a good father.....

    these children who develop in this kind of dysfunctional families in most cases seem to grow up into narcissistic adults..may be her husband also had similar kind of environment at home and saw his mother tolerating wrong behavior of the husband.

    @PurpleRoses- you are right-as you said that he is a bad father, worst husband and a pathetic male and I feel these kind of women who justify their husbands wrong behavior are responsible for the bad karma of raising narcissists who may continue that vicious cycle and may abuse their future spouse as they saw their own mother being fine with such abuses by their father and not taking legal action against abusive spouse...

    I believe that its dharma to raise children with good examples by setting good environment but some mothers who for their selfish reasons stay with an abusive husband and expose their children to such abusive environment are also earning bad karma....

    children are born as blank slates and every narcisstic or abusive person develops so it seems mostly because of bad parenting
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2022
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Many Indian women stay if there is no physical abuse because in USA, its 50-50 custody unless proven unfit by the court. It will be still a torture to handle custody with these immature abusive spouses. Shared custody works only if both parents actually spend their parenting time with their kids and there is no conflict. So, instead of shifting kids from one home to another, people stay under the same roof to provide a single home so that they can be with kids everyday. Also, they are scared that these kind of abusers can manipulate or create evidence to get primary custody or full custody. To face these situation one need determination and money as legal support comes with a price.
    ( not considering the social or family pressure here)

    But, whats best for kids? Still a debate. Two happy homes are better than an unhappy home if both parents work amicably and keep their kids as first priority.
    But if one spouse is not ready, especially an abusive one, its going to be a nightmare for kids and the other parent . Legal systems can protect, but the emotional damage can't be neglected.If spouse has narcistic tendency, it will be even harder.
    So, staying and leaving can be equally challenging. But OP, can help herself, but she is not there yet. She need to realise she is not going to have a normal married life if her H is not ready to work on it with her.

    I feel that when a woman is ready to leave a marriage, that decision will be so evident to her and she is not going post a question on a forum.( I know a few cases where they filed D only when kids were matured enough to handle it or they left home for higher studies.) Instead, she do the homework and go ahead with that decision.These questions arise when they are still confused and need validation, most of the time its on what's best for kids. If there is Adultry or physical abuse, the amount of confusion on what to do next will be reduced. But its hard with emotional abuse alone, I guess. Needs enlightenment to decide anything. Only OP can decide whats best for her situation. She needs professional help for sure ( many ILites already suggested it).
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2022
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @DDream has explained the reasons.
    I think we all should take a step back. Ultimately we can take a horse to the water we can’t force it to drink. OP has to decide what she wants to do, and when, and it’s totally upto her. It’s not right to dump on her or judge her. Each person has their own comfort zone and point of no return. My breaking point will be different from yours. Anyway that’s just my opinion.
     
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    It’s not selfish to stay with an abusive husband. She is already struggling so much. Calling selfish is definitely not a right word.

    Coming out of marriage is not that easy for any women. It really takes time to decide on it especially if kids are involved.
    Especially with Indian women who are constantly judged for every action of theirs it’s not very easy to walk out of the marriage. So she needs lots of courage and strength to take that step.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2022
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  9. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I disagree that kids who grow up in dysfunctional family will become like one . That isn’t proven fact or there is no data to support that claim . As online forum mates we can give suggestions. We should stop at it . We have no right to call her selfish . I’m sure she has her own reasons to be in marriage . Not everyone has strength to walk out of bad situation. If and when she is ready she will do it .
     
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  10. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    At some point there was a very bad situation in my parents marriage. My mom had all the support to walk out . But she strongly believed my dad may not be the best husband but he was the best dad so gave it a shot. So she was very patient and after some years things changed and my dad changed . I grew up watching that and my mom always told us it is her choice . Actually I even said this to my dad that he was indeed best dad but he wasn’t good husband. We reached a point in life when he agreed to that . My mom showed extreme patience when it comes to my dad. I’m not saying everyone should stick to bad marriage but it is individual choice and in our case it worked out because my mom never gave up . Her love for him never changed even during those trying times. Human mind is ver resilient when it comes to love . Only the person in that situation can understand.
     
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