Mystery Of The Mind

During the pandemic we had time at home to talk about why I/we dislike a few long time neighbors for little or no reason. I did some research (or looked for answers that I liked) and found these:
Why Your Brain Hates Other People (Robert Sapolsky)
Why do I instinctively dislike someone? - PsychMechanics (More readable than Robert Sapolsky)

I've found myself to be the harshest on myself. I am unforgiving of my past mistakes. I doubt my decisions more than it is helpful to me. I scold myself in language that if used on friends, I'd soon have zero left.

 

The links have answers to the above questions that I agree with.

Those are questions worth reflecting on, Viswa. However, I was only saying that I find myself the opposite of "Whereas, when it comes to evaluating myself, the mind stands its ground and project myself as flawless and unambiguous individual. "

 

OK. Got it. : )

If you get a chance do share what you think of the second's link take on the scientific reasons why we judge people preemptively.

 

Thanks for engaging, Viswa. I was actually going to start a thread but my thoughts are only half-baked so didn't. About hating or the more palatable "disliking" people for no reason, I ended up looking more into it due to a funny incident:

During the pandemic, better-half and I started the practice of late afternoon weekday walks. Out for such a walk, I spied a couple some distance away. I don't like the woman. I told DH, "Hi bolo aur chalo. No kumbh mela long lost milan." (quick hi only, no kumbh mela lost bro's reunion). Maybe I shouldn't have said that for he waved to them, said Hi loudly through mask, crossed the road and started walking towards them. I of course had to follow.

After a minute of catch-up, the men showed no signs of saying "ok then bye nice catching up". The woman and I made no pretense of talking beyond Hi. She was finding the city sprinklers in the grass at our feet very fascinating. I was admiring the far away wall mural painted by kids in our elementary school. I got tired of my fake half-smile and the wall mural. I did the "look at phone and say Oh I have a Zoom call coming up.." and smiled, said bye and started to move away. Better-half didn't join. I went home.

Later I was informed that what I did was rude. And "but why do you dislike her so strongly?" I ended up doing research after that. I found couple of possible reasons in Sapolsky's article that explained my dislike. Related articles told me that as long as I was civil to the woman, could work with her if required, and could find a few basic coping methods, I was fine. I didn't have to change the dislike to anything softer or nobler.

To complete this story, the reason for dislike was that she had a way of emphasizing how she was different than the rest of us. Over the years, we were on fundraiser and school event teams together. She used to always avoid us desi women and hang around only with the whites. We saw this in event pictures also. And what irritated me no end was once we were cleaning up after an event. Madam was trying to move a storage bin with wheels and a pull-handle. Not heavy at all. But she had to walk across the huge school forum and request my husband to help her with it. In her clickity-clack heels.

I digressed.

TL;DR: It's ok to dislike as long as you manage the dislike. Googling will show the science behind the dislike.

 

Very insightful snippet Viswa! Incidentally, these ideas that have been, and are, the subject of active research in social science. In fact the next book on my reading list is 'The Scout Mindset' by Julia Galef, a UC Berkeley researcher who has proposed a very similar theory of how the mind engages with evidence when it goes against ingrained beliefs.

She proposes that we engage with the world using two mindsets. She calls them the 'Soldier' mindset and the 'Scout' mindset. When we engage with a soldier mindset, we are reacting emotionally with a need to prove ourselves right, or defend our stance. Our mind automatically filters out or selectively interprets information to bolster preexisting beliefs. The objective is to prove the opponent wrong at all costs. On the other hand the scout mindset is grounded in curiosity. When scouts encounter evidence that counters their beliefs they react with a desire to understand the whys and hows, instead of defensiveness. The scout mindset is rooted in a healthy self-confidence; their self-worth is not tied to their beliefs. Scouts are reflective and rational. This allows them to change their beliefs without feeling threatened. While reading your snippet I couldn't help but think that you are a perfect example of the scout mindset. : )

No one is all soldier or all scout, but the goal should be to cultivate a value system that isn't tied up with our egos. I think you gave us the perfect prescription on how to accomplish this in the quote below.