I Am Upset, And I Need Help

Some parts of the world like India, srilanka all still have the male as the primary breadwinner in the family.
That mindset will take years to change.
SO just ignore

 

You have a lot on your plate! I pray things get easier for you soon.

My prayers are with you for a full and speedy recovery.

Given the history with your in-laws and their influence over your DH, I would worry about the co-ownership, too. The best you can do is tell your FOO that the business belongs to your DH and he has added you as a co-owner.

Even with the maid helping, your FOO is justifiably concerned about the additional burden on your elderly mother while your DH does nothing.

If you don't want advice from your brother and SiL but only want to shut them up at this time, defend your DH. In spite of everything, your mother is welcome to share a home with your DH and you. She chooses to live with you rather than your brother. Remind them of that. It may put things in perspective for everyone.

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First of all kudos to you for being able to handle everything and manage so far. It puts a lot of strain when men abandon traditional bread winner role and choose to become parasites. You need to urgently protect yourself and kids from future harm. You have not mentioned country of residence, but I am assuming Canada or US, if so legal system is very bad for high earner or anyone who has worked and collected assets or owns a business. If you listen to your Mother and Sister and chase away your H, you'll likely lose a lot of money and may be responsible for care of your H. So get proper agreements in place for any division of assets. Unfortunately this will depend on consent of your H, so you will need to work with him. Next protect your kids as much as possible, get them into extra curricular activities, play dates etc, and keep them away from H. Finally stop listening to Mom and SIL, they really don't get the trouble you are in

 

You cannot change your H, mom, brother or SIL or their opinions.
You know your life really well, what are the positive and negatives of your husband and have accepted it or learned to manage it.
Your brother and SIL has nothing else to find fault with and being jealous(according to you), they like to put you down.
For your information, most of the women in your mothers age has similar problems, they get affected very easily by others opinion especially when it agrees with their line of thought. MOst of the time, they want to be heard and dont need our opinion. So just listen, nod your head and leave it through the other ear.

When you change your life based on others opinion you are living their life and not your life.
What you need right now is to focus on your health. Hire a help to assist you.
Talk to your mom and husband and convey to them that you need peace of mind right now. So they should not bring others **** to you and humiliate you. If they start talking about it, tell them ( use cold body language and neutral tone) you don't want to listen as you are aware of all these issues. Do this every time. That's the only way to stop them. Same way, if your brother , SIL start talking nonsense or blame your husband stop them right there. If they talk about your mom, tell them if they are worried they can take her to their home. If they really love or care you, this is not the time for family drama when they know that you are going for surgery. If you need help from H, give him clear instructions and also in a few sentences. No need to explain and its not wise to expect him to volunteer.

You are a smart woman @SGBV, you don't need others certificate or opinion to decide what's best for you. I feel that you are physically weak and mentally weak too due to the health issues. So learn to let it go.

Don't allow others opinion to control your life or your peace of mind because you know very well about your life choices, your merits, your husband and issues. So, have an I don't care attitude to these negative people's comments on your life. Take a decision that you will not allow others to take away your happiness.

Its your life & your decisions, no body has any right to interfere in it without your permission.
Cheer up! you will be fine. Wishing you speedy recovery from these health issues.

 

@SGBV First things first. Take care of your health. Health comes before all this family dynamics crap. Concentrate on getting better and feeling better.

I hope everything goes well with the surgery. Keep in mind all the precautions the doctors give you and get well soon.

Unwanted advice/ help is equavalent to not helping on time or when it was needed.

In this case, your brother and SIL's advice IMHO falls under this category. If i were you, i would just do one thing - Call my mom, brother and DIL, sit them down and tell them softly and politely to mind their own business.

I would tell them that i am glad that i have you guys as a family and i am glad my children have such wonderful uncle and aunt. But beyond that, kindly ensure you are there for me IF and WHEN i need some help directly from you. You guys are the only family i would reach out to fall back on. Thank you for creating such a support system for me.

BUT until then, kindly stop discussing about my family or my husband or me. IF you do that, then i might probably have to minimise the contact with you. You might have the best intentions at heart but those intentions are not helping me at the moment.

I would tell them - I understand my H better than you guys so i know what ot do and how to do. Inspite of all that, he is still the father to my children and even if he does 1% of 100% duties, i am ok with it and have made peace with it.

All i ask you guys is to stop interfering in my family until i ask you to help. When i ask for help, please try and help me out if you are able to. That is all i ask of you guys. Nothing more.

Now please help me recover by creating a positive atmosphere for me.

Trust me, nothing works better than being direct. Direct and blunt and honest. If you keep beating around the bush, they will take you for a ride. So be polite but very firm. and talk to all the three parties involved.

My mom stays with me too. 1 thing i have made clear to my mom is, she should never interfere with my husband and my relation. If she talks about my H, i stop her and tell her "doesnt matter, he is my husband, my choice i made in my life, i will live with it. stop it"

After a fight, she will come to me and support me but at that moment, what i need is not her support by scolding my husband but her support by just helping me carry on duties by giving me some space to gather myself up.

I realised it the hard way that when anyone be it mom or sister or brother or SIL, anybody comes inbetween a husband and wife, the relationship would just deteriorate further. So dont let anyone come inbetween you and your H.

Now, even if me and H have a fight, she doesnt interfere at all. If at all she talks somthing later on, i ask her directly "why have you and dad never fought?"

And another thing, tell her ot stop carrying tales to your brother and SIL. Tell her directly that if your DIL was so great, you would have been staying with her. I know how people are and why they are doing things the way they are doing. Stop worrying unnecessarily about me.

Then tell her bluntly "If i were you, then i would have the courtesy to keep my MIL with me but since you didnt do that, i didnt do this."

Some people need a taste of their own medicine to shut up!

Let them. All they can do is be jealous. But you my dear use their jeolousy as a stepping stone and keep rising. Dont stop. First dont bother!

I know, sometimes like fools, we expect our family to be happy at times of our achivements. If our wishes came true. Dont expect anything out of them.

Your achievements are your own. Pat yourself on your back and keep moving forward.

Stop explaining. The more you explain the more vulnerable you become to them in their eyes.

In short - Be Blunt, be firm but be polite as well. Your family is nobody's business but yours.

My prayers are with you for a speedy recovery.

 

First priority, give to your health. Dont entertain unwanted discussions at this time. Give clear cut instructions to your mother and brother about the things that you dont want to discuss now as you are unwell. Normal people wouldnt use this time to criticize your husband now. All of them know how your husband is and how you are adjusting and living with him. When you are ok with your husband, others (especially sil) need not be bothered or comment about him. If they talk anything meaningful regarding your parenting skills or about your DH influence on kids, then think and analyze over it and discuss calmly with your husband. I guess even this discussion can wait till you go back after the vacation. If they talk too much, then till the surgery ask your mom to stay with your brother n Sil. I am sure she will come running back to you in a day or two. Also dont get into new businesses or partnerships now. Let the existing businesses keep going as it was. Praise your husband for every help he does. Concentrate on your health now and take care.

 

Stay strong. You cannot control other people's behavior. Make a resolve not to think about this anymore. You are your first priority. None else. Don't take s*** from anyone. You can do this.

 

That's progress.
Before your brother used to blindly support his wife.