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Deal Breakers For You In A Friendship?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Metamorphic, Feb 3, 2022.

  1. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    What are deal breakers for you in a friendship?

    I'll go first:

    1. If he/she cannot keep a secret - I mean, what's the point if I am not able to trust you?
    2. Lying - Again, what's the point if you are not trusting me. Be you and be true to me. I have no business with your "facade".

    But, I don't usually give-up on a friendship at the first, second or third sign. Only after a few signs, I 'call it quits' and I make sure to tell them my feelings before ending it altogether. I hate it when people suddenly cut off, block or ignore the person with no apparent cause or an explanation. I believe that it is important to have a closure.

    How about you?
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    No dealbreakers, but a few things will move a friendship to the acquaintance section.

    1) Drama: Too much analysis of a small disagreement or going on and on about any thing.
    2) Treat me like a second class citizen. Meet us only on weekdays. If I invite for dinner, they say "am not sure yet what our plans are for the weekend." I asked one such friend, "so you have no plans as of now, but not sure what might turn up, so you keep me hanging till you know all your options?" She was taken aback as that was indeed her decision-tree.

    3) Those who radiate and try to infect others with their toxic positivity. Just can't stand these types.
     
  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    When friends remember you when they need a shoulder to cry , to share out their personal, health, family problems and conveniently forget to share or update any positive development/ news with me.

    For negative problems they can go on and on. But for positives , they fear nazar lagna and all kinds of superstitions and so they dont disclose is what I have come to know from third person.

    I would be really glad if I get to know the positive news also direct from them. But people blame their bad memory for not sharing good news. This is indeed a deal breaker for me. I dont like to confront for this behaviour, as reasons would be always ready for not sharing positive news. I slowly move away from them.
     
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  4. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    What is toxic positivity, pls can you give example.



     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There was a thread on it a few months ago which has examples: Toxic Positivity
     
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  6. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Hahaha toxic positivity! Would really like to know examples of this oxymoron - toxic AND positive :laughing::laughing:

    I remember a recent incident - My friend L told me that a common friend S was talking about my son behind my back - I said it is ok, I dont mind, I'm not going to backbite or gossip about S just because she did.

    L was surprised - I said 9 years back, when I was rushing with my son to the hospital, S had stopped our cab behind the ambulance on the main road to give me a bag full of packed lunch and dinner. When relatives visited suddenly, S brought her car full of mattresses and quick foods, she had left her car at my place for months and used cabs for herself when my son had surgeries and needed a bigger car. Why would I worry about what she is talking... I would rather be grateful for what she has done!

    My friend accused me of toxic positivity ! She said you have also helped S and kids so much! Are you for real, do you have to remember stories from 9 years ago?
    I said, can I really stop others from talking behind me? I'd rather be at peace with myself than be angsty about things I cannot control!

    So @Rihana I would like to know your incidents of "toxic positivity"

    My deal breaker would be - if you turn away from me and refuse to help me when I'm in desperate need - you're no longer in my friends list - I will still be polite to you, help you if you're in need but I wont go out of the way.
    And I can literally feel my blood boiling when I encounter liars and cheats and people who dont respect my time! I dont cut off the friendship, I still help their kids, but I limit exposure and limit the hurt they can inflict on me.

    Keep smiling!
    HR
     
  7. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    OK Great! Thanx! I went through the thread!
    @Vedhavalli gives a good list - I was worrying if it applied to me (based on the incident in the previous post)

    100 % does NOT apply!

    Yes, I AM a positive and contented person! All kinds of people come to me for advice, but appreciate me as an empathetic listener and the ability to break down and analyse the problem and suggest practical step by step solutions (only if they ask)....

    Yep! Toxic positivity would be a deal breaker!
    When my son (9) was going through pain and surgeries, a friend (?) told me "You're so lucky he is a boy, if it was a girl you would be the only one to take care of bath/pee/poo, now your husband also contributes"
    :BangHead::BangHead:
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Priority: I would expect to be on the priority list of the other person be it a friendship or any kind of relationship. I would understand if I am not their first or top most priority, but at the same time I don't want to be their last priority either. So, how one prioritize you matters.

    Trust: Trust is the key in friendships. I should be able to share my most personal things with a friend and expect him/her to keep it secret forever. That's friendship. Similarly, I would expect them to treat me the same.

    Reliability: A friend in need a friend indeed. Like family, friends are our next support system. Especially when you need them the most, they should be there for you.

    That being said, I do not have a permanent friend who remains in the best friend zone forever.
    Those school days best friends are still friends, but the relationship is alive only on whatsapp. Perhaps, we may continue from where we left the moment we meet/reconnect with each other. But to be honest the closeness is gone.

    Same with college friends and other friends that were in my priority list a decade back.

    A few of them are still very close to heart, and I can always go to them be it emotional support or anything in need. But the distance and other physical matters have caused a vacuum in our day today friendship.

    But, on the other hand there are new friends. They suddenly become our best friends from acquaintance and the only go to persons when we are in needs.
    I have this kinds of best friends during each phase of my life!
     
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  9. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    :grinning: ... I think I can tolerate drama, unless I am expected to reciprocate.

    Yeah this one, I know how it feels. What is that they are trying to say? If they think it enhances their value & desirability, no it doesn't!

    You pointed to a wonderful thread!
     
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  10. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, there's this category who suck all the energy out of you with all their problems and keep you out for the rest of the stuff. It does raise questions to us who invest genuinely, what am I? an emotional dust bag?!
     
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