How Do You Manage To Keep Your Parents Happy And Healthy Even When You Don't Stay With Them?

sweety127 · Jan 11, 2022

Hi all,

Wish you a happy new year!

My parents recently shifted to our native place which was their dream for many years. I felt elated by the move and thought they will have a peaceful life henceforth.

But to my dismay, I understood that they are not really at peace with what has happened. They keep lamenting how their health is damaged beyond repair and they wish to die soon (they are in their early sixties). It's true that years of hard work with no rest and schedule have taken a huge toll on their health. Both of them are crippled by a severe form of arthritis in addition to other complications. But this constant irritation and confused behavior on their part is taking a toll on me and my mental health. Their health was the main reason why I did not move out of India in spite of having a handful of attractive offers abroad. I felt that it's my duty to stay back and help them in the best possible way I can though I stay in a different state and visit quite frequently.

This feeling of helplessness aggravates especially when the maid doesn't turn up to work at their place. They live in a village and it's very difficult to get maids/helpers there. When I was there, we appointed a lady and also paid 50 % greater than the existing rates primarily because we want her to be regular. But this lady, in a span of 2 months has taken off for more than 15 days giving some lame reasons. When I call them and try to offer some suggestions, they get irritated. Not that they get angry and bash me. I can see from their tone that my suggestions are not welcome.

When I say please take some fresh juices, they will say cooking food itself is a big deal and we are having great difficulty even with that.

They sometimes don't attend my call and when I say we should take a landline with a cordless connection to be installed at different places at home they say, ' Don't you know we have to limp and come to attend the phone every time someone calls. Why do you expect us to answer your calls instantly'.

Though I can accommodate them at my flat, I am scared of the repercussions of putting both MIL and my parents in the same home with little space for all of us. It will be a total of 7 living in a 2BHK! I even told them that I will rent a new home in the same apparent complex as mine and they are not ready for that suggestion as well.
For god's sake, there are no maid agencies, etc here and I am clueless on how to navigate through this issue.
I am approaching my mid-thirties and when I look back at my life, all I see is uninspiring mediocrity in all aspects of life. I do everything that is possible from my side by providing them emotional support and financial support but still, I feel I am not doing enough.

Anusha2917 · Jan 11, 2022

Mid life is so hard and I have felt it's the hardest to navigate this phase being super sane. It's just impossible to not worry with a baby/kid(s) and Ageing in-laws/parents on other side. It's hard to be present for everyone.satisfying one will put the other in a dissatisfied situation .
In your situation the best is keeping them close to you, in your apartment building.. Never think of same house. 2bhk is just enough for a family of 2 +1 or 2 kids. As the child grows and needs more space at home it's gonna get difficult. So keeping them at your 2bhk is ruled out.
My husband had proposed the same. He was of the idea of 4bhk with mine and his parents and us all together. Gosh it would have been a nightmare. I stood my ground and said my parents will be close but in a different house.

You need to tactfully talk to them and get them closer to you.
Give reasons of covid, their old age, your baby needs a caretaker, if you are working how their presence will be super helpful etc. Financially they may cry to take your help. But talk more about physical and emotional support you can provide each other if they are close by.
For them to move with you,You need to present a picture of "YOU NEED THEM MORE " rather than "YOU BEING FOR THEM " in their old age.

KashmirFlower · Jan 11, 2022

In old age, moving to village or very small town (if not already living there and adjusted to that lifestyle), is not good idea as well qualified doctors who can treat chronic health issues are not there.

I took my mom to a city and stayed one week there for full health check-up, different tests and getting prescriptions for issues. So that she can continue with those medicines and go for local doctor if needed. And I couldn't do this yearly but doing this yearly check-up is good.

Home delivery I do, for what ever I think it helps her , from amazon.in, like ensure health drink or vitamins etc.

Big cities has all facilities like good helpers, medical help, veggie delivery. Your idea is good to bring them to your apt complex but in another home. Tell them it is only for 3 months , ask them to live there and get tests done etc. Don't vacate their village home, so they feel good. If they like they can continue.

They also have to adjust and live close to you and take the help offered by you.

lavani · Jan 11, 2022

sweety127 said: ↑

Hi all,

Wish you a happy new year!

My parents recently shifted to our native place which was their dream for many years. I felt elated by the move and thought they will have a peaceful life henceforth.

But to my dismay, I understood that they are not really at peace with what has happened. They keep lamenting how their health is damaged beyond repair and they wish to die soon (they are in their early sixties). It's true that years of hard work with no rest and schedule have taken a huge toll on their health. Both of them are crippled by a severe form of arthritis in addition to other complications. But this constant irritation and confused behavior on their part is taking a toll on me and my mental health. Their health was the main reason why I did not move out of India in spite of having a handful of attractive offers abroad. I felt that it's my duty to stay back and help them in the best possible way I can though I stay in a different state and visit quite frequently.

This feeling of helplessness aggravates especially when the maid doesn't turn up to work at their place. They live in a village and it's very difficult to get maids/helpers there. When I was there, we appointed a lady and also paid 50 % greater than the existing rates primarily because we want her to be regular. But this lady, in a span of 2 months has taken off for more than 15 days giving some lame reasons. When I call them and try to offer some suggestions, they get irritated. Not that they get angry and bash me. I can see from their tone that my suggestions are not welcome.

When I say please take some fresh juices, they will say cooking food itself is a big deal and we are having great difficulty even with that.

They sometimes don't attend my call and when I say we should take a landline with a cordless connection to be installed at different places at home they say, ' Don't you know we have to limp and come to attend the phone every time someone calls. Why do you expect us to answer your calls instantly'.

Though I can accommodate them at my flat, I am scared of the repercussions of putting both MIL and my parents in the same home with little space for all of us. It will be a total of 7 living in a 2BHK! I even told them that I will rent a new home in the same apparent complex as mine and they are not ready for that suggestion as well.
For god's sake, there are no maid agencies, etc here and I am clueless on how to navigate through this issue.
I am approaching my mid-thirties and when I look back at my life, all I see is uninspiring mediocrity in all aspects of life. I do everything that is possible from my side by providing them emotional support and financial support but still, I feel I am not doing enough.
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please understand your parents are as individual thinkers as your own child. You cannot motivate anyone unless they themselves want to.
Please do not be critical on yourself.

have a calm talk about them moving near to a 1bhk flat in city near you. you cannot emotionally drain yourself because they are not able to adjust.

do not have them in your flat. mil and your parents, it will be emotional drama even if you all are very mature.

sweety127 · Jan 14, 2022

Thank you very much @Anusha2917, @KashmirFlower and @lavani...I am trying a lot to arrive at a balanced solution and hope God paves way for it such that all of us are peaceful. They say if we have good helpers, then our village is the place they would like to live far from maddening crowd. So, one more task added to my list ...if they can't move, I can always move closer to them right? So, planning to look for jobs in the city close to my village..hope things work out..

KashmirFlower · Jan 14, 2022

if your parents are okay with "live-in maid" you can search somebody from anywhere and arranger her to live in the village.
If it is village, I assume enough space around, so constructing a room and bathroom for maid/helper to live there also can happen quickly, if your parents want that way.

Sometimes you have to let go things also.
I think you have family and living with in-laws. If you search for a new job and move out, are you not taking drastic steps when no body is expecting that. who is asking for that and what is the use of it? so all your hard work may go waste? Please think

indubalram · Jan 14, 2022

KashmirFlower said: ↑

if your parents are okay with "live-in maid" you can search somebody from anywhere and arranger her to live in the village.
If it is village, I assume enough space around, so constructing a room and bathroom for maid/helper to live there also can happen quickly, if your parents want that way.

Sometimes you have to let go things also.
I think you have family and living with in-laws. If you search for a new job and move out, are you not taking drastic steps when no body is expecting that. who is asking for that and what is the use of it? so all your hard work may go waste? Please think
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Having living in maid is not safe! Even we are in early 60s and want to settle in a village in India. That’s the best for retired life! And maybe you can go to stay with them once In while during festivals! Just stay with them for a week or so!