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Parents And Money

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Angela123, Apr 26, 2021.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I have written about this before here Don't Know The Financial Situation With Parents (couldnt post the short link)
    Recently I had a conversation with my Dad. he pointed out, I haven't done my responsibilities since I don't send him any money. Specifically, when he was hospitalized. My parents do not share their financial details with me generally. So when i had this conversation, I asked them specifically, what does he meant? Is it sending money on a regular basis or a small chunk of money, but only thing he said, we will not ask, you have to know and do the needful. Now, my conversation with them is 10-15 mins whatsapp phonecall on saturdays and most of the time they are in front of tv, looking at tv, and asking questions only about kids. I ask them about their health, latest update from the doctors if any, anything new? they say nothing, everything is good. I call them every saturday, and in between if needed. But they do not say any details. My sister lives with them, but I do not ask her about the parents, I thought if there is anything parents would tell me as there is no need to go through a 3rd party. Anyway, discussion got heated up and mom said "you go your way, we go ours" meaning they do not have anything to do with me from now on.
    I asked them if they have any financial difficulties, they said no (I couldn't figure out if it was sarcasm or genuinely no). I told them if there is anything we should discuss and figure out. They don't want to. But Dad still said, I haven't done my responsibility, when he has done his. I havent sent money home after 2018. I dont know if my parents have any money in bank, but I know both of them have pension and land. And my sis, kid, and BIL live with them, until last year my dad was spending on household expenses not them. my dad did spend money for my wedding and the jewelry. I have had several financial issues after moving to the states, H and I managed on our own. My parents never ask if we have any problems here they assume everything is great and we have a lot of money here since we live abroad. we try to tell them about our lives and most of the time they seem not interested, it annoys H, but i try because they are all the family I got.
    my mom is very short tempered. She could go without talking to me for months. I want to be respectful and make arrangements (not by giving money though). I want to know their plans, how they plan to manage the funds lands and who is involved etc. I will not be sending any money now, as we have hospital bills and childcare expenses, which are huge and we don't have any extra to spend on them right now. But knowing that makes me feel guilty not helping, but I do not know how much to help either. None of the family talks to me about this, yet parents blamed me. He pointed me, I assume sis might have helped. So how do i go about this conversation?
    H thinks my parents should disclose their finances to me which I think they wont. They are not very openly conversing people. Should I let that conversation go? I was oblivious of my parents being mad at me until I talked about this. They would talk to us every weekend like nothing happened. Conversations always have been peripheral.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Write them off.

    Keep the contact to those peripheral weekly conversations. If any conversations get heated, learn to move on from that and go back to usual conversations in the next week or two. Our families in India do this so expertly. Say what they want to say, and then go back to how the conversations used to be. Your mom does it. Join them. Don't take such conversations and the pointless accusations to heart.

    Yes. Absolutely.

    From your posts looks like your husband has a very good grasp of your family situation and he is not the kind to use it in unrelated arguments. His observations are correct. He knows you, your family and nuances that you cannot convey in posts. Go by what he suggests. For example, he is right about stop trying to tell your family about your life when they are not interested. Try to follow his suggestions. He has emotional detachment that you don't. No decisions are forever. Each one can be revisited as needed.

    Writing off one's family can be the best decision for getting closer to peace of mind. After you write them off, the contact and conversations hurt less and any surprisingly pleasant interactions make the heart happy.

    You can be sure that if they really need money, you will be made aware of it.

    Don't ask for financial details. BIL and sister living with them is a no-win setting for you. Be smart. Don't let your good intentions ruin reality. You mean to help them when you ask for details. You won't get the details (guaranteed) but you will for sure get an earful about how you are not fulfilling your duties.

    Write them off.
     
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  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Did your parents came abroad to stay with you few months? If not they might have expected for long time and now disappointed? Or it’s possible some relatives ask them or assume that daughter is abroad then she should help financially. In India medical costs are increasing day by day.
     
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  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you, Rihana. I am learning to let this go the hard way.
    This is probably true. For a long time, my mom would torture us with her toxic mindset and lately dad started to be on her side, at the same time blaming her in front of us. I can't believe I am as confused as I was in my childhood.
    Exactly what H suggested.
    Seriously considering this.
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    No. They were here only for a brief period of time, 7 years ago. They do not expect them that we will bring them here. Medical costs are increasing in India, but I am not aware of the financial problem if there is any. This is the crux of the problem.
     
  6. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I agree a 100% with Rihana. Write them off.

    If anyone wants your help - they need to answer your questions. Then you decide if you believe the answers and if the situation warrants your help.

    He did his responsibility , yes - but I am sure he had full access to information and got to make the decisions.

    It hurts us to think of our family - especially parents that way - but accept that they are also people with their own agendas and entitlement to their children's money is something they struggle with.
     
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  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, he did. I complied with everything.
    Yes. For the longest time, I use think about my parents as the most selfless people. Mom is controlling, but according to the her, all other mothers were not raising their daughters the right way. I was the primp and proper daughter whom she showed off to the family and society. One small mistake, she wouldn't talk for days. To this day, she never said one good word about anything.

    Still my thoughts are on I might have made them feel bad about hinting about money to me. They have conditioned me to think fault is always with me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2021
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    They don't have to share details with you. But as a daughter its your responsibility to help them in need, especially hospitalisation or its bills.. They might have expected some help there. I dont think you need to sent them money every month as they have retirement money. But bills will be huge for hospitalisation. Parents expects their children to understand it and volunteer.
    They may not want to disturb you, thats why not sharing other info. Just go with the flow like Rihana mentioned above. But keep this experience in mind. So next time if there is an emergency you can share some expense if you want to.

    Also dont talk about your life or finances or difficulties here. They will never understand. They dont know the expense here. They always convert to Indian rupees and wonder how much you are earning. So its better to avoid to that topic.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2021
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Stop brooding so much over the past. You will never know what issues and struggles your mother dealt with. Our parents most likely did the best they could with the resources and judgement they had.

    And, stop putting the responsibility for your current mental turmoil on them. You are educated and able to analyze your feelings, thoughts, emotions and get professional help if needed. At some point in life, we become responsible for who we are. Our past is part of us but we have so much power over our present. "They have conditioned me to think fault is always with me." is a way of making them or your past responsible for your misgivings, unrest, and the current second-guessing.

    You know what you need to do so you rise above this discomfort. That takes resolve and discipline. It is easier to wallow in a general state of circular analysis and visiting the predictable sequence of arguments in our mind again and again.

    When dealing with family in India, one has to become like them. End the conversation when it ends on Saturday. They watch tv during the call and after it and carry on with their lives. We suspend and upend our home and work lives analyzing every freaking thing they said and didn't.
     
  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    @Angela123 - Please learn to let go! Your husband is right- let go of this conversation! You cannot expect people back home to understand your financial difficulty. If you live in the USA (or any developed country), they do not believe that you can have financial issues.

    My family is very similar to yours. Mom and Dad have good pensions. Sister, BIL, and nephew used to live with them, now they have moved to a nearby city and visit my parents every weekend. My parents will always be emotionally closer to my sister, not me. It's a fact. I do not expect them to tell me everything that goes on in their life. They do not share their financial issues with me. They would rather deal with their issues themselves or ask my sisters. I used to call every weekend but for the last few months, I have started calling them every other day for a few minutes. I understand that my sister is providing them with emotional and physical help that I can never provide on a regular basis. To compensate somewhat for that help, I send my parents money. They will not accept regular transfers so I send on special occasions- birthdays, anniversary, if I get an award or something, I would just say that I am sharing with you because you made me capable of this (Not just to make them happy but I am aware of their sacrifices to make me and my sisters independent). When my dad was in the hospital a few months ago, I sent money without them saying anything. Again, I couldn't be there but my sisters were taking time off and being there every minute. Most I could do was take the financial burden off. Most parents (if they are like mine) won't ask for help. It's hard to ask for help. I never asked my parents even when I struggled.

    I am also that "ideal daughter" that they show off to everyone. My sister is a district-level officer but they will still boast about me. I am sure it is not easy for my sister either- the comparison, etc.

    I don't know what to suggest to you other than ignoring the comments and do what is best for you and your family! If possible (and your finances allow), send gift money once or twice a year to make them feel happy.

    Keep Calm and Move On!
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2021

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