How Much Of Quality Time Do You Spend With Your Spouse?

Quality time- hmm We drink coffee together on weekends and my husband cooks once in a while... There is an expectation when he is cooking that I stand by n the kitchen and talk to him.
We try to do activities as a family but we aren't consistent.
However, this pandemic has been a blessing.. as we are forced to be indoors- we spent quality time DIYing my son's room, office, garden. The real struggle for me is to say no to the projects and focus on few things that I am trying to get done.
We have spent so much time together that I am ready to meet my friends.

 

For sure.
So what I found out is that generally in a relationship the most important thing for man is to feel respected and for woman is to feel loved. The book explains how there are many things we do as women that we don't realize how it makes our man feel disrespected and often time this results in him withdrawing, getting angry, being less attracted to us, or just not being present in the relationship. It also mentions how sometimes our complaints and suggestions or controlling behaviors can make our men subconsciously think of us as his mother or boss which obviously is not good for intimacy. Any criticism to our man is a blow and felt as disrespectful so we have to be careful to avoid it. But the first step is to practice self-care so we are coming from a place of positivity so we need to first schedule activities that make us feel happy or just remember to do little things that put us in a good mood (for me its listening to music, singing, talking to/visiting a freind,

It's a series of suggestions based on the idea that women mostly crave feeling loved and me mostly crave feeling respected. Doing these things and abstaining from other things make us more desirable and can get us more of the quality attention we yearn for.

The first step is to remember to do things that put you in a positive state of mind. That could be activities/hobbies/daily habits. My simple go-to's are listening to music/ singing, talking on phone/ visiting a friend, diffusing oils/lighting incense, go for a walk, yoga, etc.. We as women and wives often get so bogged down doing all the things on our list that we don't prioritize doing things just for the joy of it. When we notice ourselves getting easily irritated that should be our signal that we aren't nurturing ourselves enough. Also when we are feeling good and positive we make more attractive and alluring partners. If you are asked to do one more thing and it's going to interfere with getting your self-care...consider saying "I can't" when asked for an explanation say "I just can't".

My husband loves asking me to run around for this and that. It is usually little things that don't take much effort and I like to help him so I just do it without thinking much about it. I have started saying "I can't" so that I can focus on what I had planned already and not get wrapped up in running for things he can easily do himself. It hasn't phased him. We don't want to be overly helpful bc that again can end up feeling like mothering and kill intimacy.

2nd-Don't criticize him or complain
This doesn't mean we don't have a voice to discuss important issues, but the book gives guidance on how to address these without compromising respect. I didn't realize how many little criticisms and complaints I was making daily until I started trying to avoid it. If he helps with a chore but does it wrong---don't say anything. Wait until he does something the way you prefer and mention that you love the way he did that. Focus on the positives and give lots of gratitude and you will notice he will feel more inclined to do more things to make you happy. Bottom line is our husbands have a strong desire to make us happy but when we complain, nag, and criticize they feel like we are their boss, their mom, or just unpleasable and they react by withdrawing, getting angry, or avoiding. If we let them know that we are easy to please they will want to do it more and more.

3rd- Being helpful sometimes translates as criticism/mothering/bossing.
Try telling him "Whatever you think" or "I trust you" when he asks what he should do when possible. This shows that you respect him and trust him to make the right decision. Instead of bossing him or telling him what to do try to just focus on what you need to do and if you need to ask him something don't tell him to do it but you can say it more like an expression of what would make you happy if it were done, but not specifically for him to do it. ex: "I would love it if the towels were dry when I get home from work today".

4th- Be a good reciever and try to show him gratitude 3 times a day.
This will positively reinforce the things that he is doing that make you happy and he will feel happy because he got to be your hero. When ever given a gift or act of service recieve it happily even if its not quite right. Focus on the part of it that is positive. "It was so sweet of you to think of me" or I love it when you do xyz. Along with this is compliments. Our men want to know that we see their best parts. If you are having trouble with this one she says fake it till you make it. Think of what you loved about him in the begining and pretend those things still apply if nessesary.
Avoid saying always or never. ex: you're always late-- always is usually an exageration and can come off as a critism and disrespecful. Instead you could say "It's not like you to be late." or "Your not usually late like this". She says it may not be completely true but if we are tempted to exagerate its better to exagerate towards the positive side to lift your spouse up. Another phrase to work in "Thank you for taking care of that" and "That was a great idea"

*My husband was felt akward when I was saying "thank you" too much so I have switched to "You're the best" and " I have such a sweet husband" I am still saying thank you some, but I can tell he feels like too much thanks implies maybe I was suprised he is willing to do something for me and makes him feel like I don't have confidence in him having my back. Still I noticed a huge shift in him when giving him more appreciation like he feels really good about himself and is enjoying doing little things.

other tips:
When he gets home, instead of asking about how his day was, just tell him how happy you are to see him.
When he tells you about something stressful, instead of offering a solution right away, try just telling him "I hear you". Silence your "inner smarty pants" and let him think it through without assuming he needs you to tell him everything. I have found their are things that need to be said from as his partner but other times if we pause if allows us to think, if it is nessesary or not.

"Stay on your paper" If something is his responsibliity- leave it alone and let him handle it. He is a grown man--let him be. ex: My husband is responsible for taking the trashcans to the road. One of them tipped over and I wanted to insist that he bring it in bc it was unsightly and the neighbors might complain. I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from moving it myself b/c it wasn't on my paper.. thats his thing. I did comment on it by saying "Oh yeah, we better not forget the trash cans" but I probably didn't need to say that. Its not a we thing so I don't need to worry about it.
It's in doing things like this that was take more and more onto our own list and then feel annoyed with other b/c they aren't doing their part, but in reality we took it on ourselves.

"Other people are the expert on their own lives."

"Provide them with the information the need to be your hero when he asks for your preference or desire"

If you avoid complaining about something and its still bothering you consider talking to a marriage positive girlfriend and to reflect on if you are over reacting. Sometimes you just need to be heard and once you are you realize its not worth troubling your husband over. Other times you may need to go to him and discuss it, but you wlll do it from a place of respect because you took the time to think about it. Try if he upsets instead of sparking back just say "ouch"
or if it hurt your feelings and you need to cry, just cry and be silent without causing more drama. ---I tried this and my husband walked away which left me feeling more hurt, but a while later he approached me tenderly and rephrased what he was saying to make sure I understood that he didn't mean it in a negative way. I was amazed. If I had made more drama he would have put a wall up and we both would have gone into defense mode.

I have been thinking he just doesn't care when I cry bc he doesn't comfort me but today he bought me something expensive that I needed and he told me jokingly if I buy you this you can't cry for a year. We laughed about it and I told him I'm sorry but you have a human wife with emotions and we joked some more. This moment made me realize that he's not annoyed with my crying or uncaring but that he actually takes it personally and feels gutted that he isn't making me happy and hates it so much that he tries to avoid it.


ooh dear...I'm rewriting the whole book! There are a lot more gems in there and of course I am remembering the ones that I found most helpful to me personally but there are also suggestions about finances, sex, desire, abuse, accountablility, vulnerability, rewriting the story you tell yourself about your marriage, etc. Sorry if I wrote too much. It won't spoil the book. I even want to read it again and just make sure I didn't miss or forget anything.

best of luck <#

 

After retirement you have more quality time. After marriage my husband used to help me in kitchen as I was a working woman. Since we had weekly holiday on different days he used to take care of children. When I used to come from office he used to bring them to the railway station as he used to.come early.
I have written about him.in another thread.

After retirement we have more quality time.
We eat lunch together. Go out together.
Now we are in kerala and enjoying the fresh
air and greenery.

 

Great narration dear...

 

Yes exactly...my husband too doesn't understand me...he is overly devoted to his in laws...smallest thing told by them, will set him off...even minor thing like some item I've forgotten to order or tea made slightly strong or Dahi nor prepared as expected or hot water not kept on time etc makes him irritated and he starts scolding me...so silly...I started hating my in laws.

 

I hope so too...past one year has been full of fights and arguments....in laws have made my life hell with taunts and sarcasm and brainwashed my husband also against me and made him to ill treat me. ...prior to this he wasn't that bad when they were staying with us for shorter durations..

 

Thanks dear for understanding my problem...yes, u summarises it well..main problem is that in laws r not ready to leave at all..they're sitting here only...such a pain..workload, te sion everything doubled. Even if they make plans to go he doesnt allow them..because they're the kind of people who like to roam around. They wont stay indoors even if they go to native.. if they gave health issue there theyll order both if us to go and stay there for sometime..that's also a big pain as I hate going to their native and I always mostly had a bad experience there moreover its risky now.