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Not Able To Comprehend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sangeeta098, Feb 5, 2021.

  1. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have a tendency to forgive & forget. I have come across this situation many times before but tend to shrug it off but this time I really want to understand it.
    My husband says lot of negative stuff about me to my kids like day to day things. I fail to understand his intentions, why would he do that. On face of it, he maintains a very cordial relationship with me. I have been married for 23 years & before I would just put it on maybe something happened, maybe not in a good mood but lately, this has disturbed me to the core. He talked about me in my inlaws relatives, to my daughter. It has kind of shaken my foundation for marriage. Just need to understand why would someone behave like this, demeaning his own wife.

    thanks
     
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  2. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Just to make you feel better, my H does same.
    Infact he speaks about me to everyone - my former collegues turned into family friends, any one who connects to me...
    that i do this, do that.
    Does not know that i do this and that - that means i do eveything and he nothing.
    This corona has made us mentally sick. Atleast people who became sick or contracted, worried about each other in sickness. Here, we despise each other. Do not care about each other feels, or hurting or anything that related to family hurt and want to discuss.
    Inspite of stuck together, we have no time for each other.
     
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  3. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Was this something in the last few years? or is this a continuing pattern, that has just started to bother you?
    was there any recent event that you both disagreed on strongly?
    are kids closer to you than him, creating a jealousy situation?
    Any in-law influence in the background?
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    After 20+ years, if a husband is going weird, and the wife suspects that he'd never valued her much, it is sad overall, for the wife, for the husband and for the children of the family.
    On the other hand (OTOH is the acronym for that), like how the comedians of a few decades ago would make jokes about their wives, the husband of OP may simply be doing it to the audience of a few (the children), because he is old, and nobody would write him a prescription for viagra, and feels emasculated.

    Even modern comedians do that:
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
  5. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    You probably kept ignoring this subconsciously all along and now you are unable to digest it anymore. Respect is the fundamental aspect of any marriage and sadly it’s overridden by patriarchy. What sort of things does he say? If it’s observations of what you actually do, then may be he doesn’t agree with some things the way you do. If he says some unfounded things, then it’s on a totally different level. Either ways, try to talk to him and let him know that these things hurt you and ask why he does so.
     
  6. Sony23

    Sony23 Senior IL'ite

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    My husband do that too, because I been ignoring him he thinks he can say whatever the heck he wants to...makes fun of me in front of kids...me and kids are scared because if we say something we will get slapped on face..he is not ongoing but there are days when he does that. May be he is jealous to see that you are a better parent and he wants to malign your image..sorry this is happening..you can ask him politely, I did that with mine and he says I was just joking
     
  7. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were you, I would pose this question to him. I would first wish to find out “why” from him, that way either I’ll come to know “why” or will make him think “why”. Sometimes self-posed whys are the frist steps for change.

    He either is not aware of how his comments are affecting your feelings or probably that is his way of letting you know about things he is not pleased about. Ask him.
     
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  8. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    This has been a continuing pattern but I never knew it existed. About 2 months back, I happened to hear him talk over the phone & was shocked to the core. But for my daughter, I would have never known this side of him existed.

    Disagreements happen everywhere & they should remain within us. Why does he need to discuss with anyone else ?

    Inlaws can be influence but hes an adult & even if inlaws are influencing, he has a brain of his own. This has started bothering me so much that I cant stand him. This is as if he is living two different lives - posing as a wonderful husband in front of me & next min backbiting me. Is he trying to corner me so kids agree with him & I be left alone ?
     
  9. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    We share a wonderful physical relationship. Infact I never realized this side of his existed. That shocks me even more. How can I be so naive to not know ?

    Joking for few min is different from actually backbiting your wife to try to tarnish her image.
     
  10. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    He is aware of what he is doing. Only thing he doesn’t know that I know it now ( maybe thats what I think ). I did confront him about the phone call 2 months back. He said things to repair damage & that 2021 will be a new beginning & I trusted him & forgot about it. But hes still doing it. Talking to my daughter almost everyday. He’s not going to change even if I confront him. I feel I am loosing threads to hold on to this marriage.
     

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