My Older One Missing Out On Classes

sanjuruby3 · Dec 4, 2020

NOW said: ↑

I was having similar challenges managing everything and made a list of all the tasks and responsibilities and talked with DH that he need to either take younger one or older one's responsibility in-addition to the cooking/cleaning/groceries PERIOD. He then started to keep the younger one with him during the day when I am engaging with older one/working/arranging meals etc.. My older one and I share the office room and I help him with reminders to focus and support for any school work. It sure disturbs me, but I learned to handle it in few days.

My husband is also not a super expressive or sharing type as well. We actually are going through a rough patch in our marriage as well and the pandemic aggravated everything. But I started to treat us like team members and myself more like the lead who will delegate tasks or decide the priorities. I handle my stress and frustration in other ways like running, meditation, talking to friends/family, reading books. I only talk to him pleasantly like I will do with a team member at work . Only when I am in good mood I actually make the effort to speak to him , rest of the time is getting the household run smoothly.

This is not the time to waste energy on husband's minuses , but the time to work with what we have. I am sure you can find ways to hand some more tasks to him , at least few hours a day or have him focus on one kid primarily OR something... If you really think in a constructive way you will be able to find what works for your family and work on it. Do not expect any change in personality, apology or sympathy . They just don't get it. Be selfish and take lead and making it work without damaging mental health is the goal.
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Ok so we are same boat, i might be in worse as he is not sensitive about y work or responsibilitys towards work. One side he says, you are not competitve or learning, you need to be go-getter this that, Like yesterday i had emergency production issue in office. When its his case, kids are out of his sight or space. But in my case, i am speaking but kids are crawling around me and older one on purpose doing that when i am muting, screaming at top of my lungs and he also that why dont you lock door and put chair to lock it..let kids cry. Even when i lock, older one is on purpose letting younger one in...and making noise in my ears on my dsk while i am trying to speak and handle prod issue meeting. Then he is asking, did you solve it ? were you able to perform...hunh. When kids were on my head, i got panicked and could not talk so issue was given to someone else.

While on call, i am warming dinner trying to feed and shower kids ,while he is browsing phone. thats my life.
I want to go to counselling but i know that he won't listen and now, with pandemic, much harder leaving kids.

I know root cause of her behaviour is us. Our respect towards each other. Most days i am also like, he goes to hell or whereever, i need to run the day and chores, cook feed, manage myself. But i lose when i am trying to pull the cart so hard and keep hitting the walls like my kiddos attitude or his.

Moving older one to one of our room. None of us would be able to work. She does not want to move out of her room. H does not want to go to her room. Everyone works on big screen.
I am the one with younger one in one hand & laptop in another move up/down/dinning table /in my room/kitchen/ in her room. Work and parenting - both suffering.
Then again later at night, making her sit to do her homework.
Also younger one - i manage and he stays with me so older one won't let me near by, basically won't let little one to come into her room so she will not let me.

AppuMom · Dec 4, 2020

Too many things on your plate ...I would say take half day or full day off for some weeks..Keep weekends to relax and to build bond with your child..do not spend too much time on cooking ,cleaning during weekends...do one pot meal and easy breakfast for weekends..do workout,play with your kid,sleep ..if your H complains,tell him you are taking off from household chores till new years and ask him to manage home..You need to be a tough nut and be sweet pudding to your kids,ask your elder one to help you with some.chores like arranging vessels, picking up toys etc..slow and steady you can win this battle

NOW · Dec 4, 2020

Sanju, I feel like calling you that as I treat you like my friend and I literally had a lump in my throat reading your post as I can so relate to it !!

In the past when COVID lockdown started initially I had similar days too where I was dealing with feeding the kids, solving critical issues over 2 -4 hours zoom calls continuously, older one still in 1st grade and unable to handle online learning on his own, younger one needed help with potty training... I was not sleeping well and binge watching shows, eating junk to numb myself in the night and sleeping less and extremely cranky during the day .. arguing or being rude to my husband and he going into his shell.. THERE.. I was in that phase until May end.

Then I increased walks with kids, talking to friends/family, mingling with other neighbors on walks while still social distancing, spending more time with kids, and making very small changes.. Since it was summer break for my older one the school stress was off me. The I hired a 10 year old kid to teach and play with my kids for 3 hours daily 2 - 5 PM.

While I was learning to take care of everything there were layoffs and my team got affected badly and we got a new manager and he had zero trust on us.. All hell broke loose again.. July, August everything had to take backseat and it was WORK, WORK all the time. My husband stepped in at that time, probably that was the only thing he related better in all my struggles ..It still amazes me how men are wired and they do not understand the stress of kids, cooking, cleaning but the work part is so relatable to them... I feel your husband is also same.

Good that you have a career and your husband recognizes that. I suggest you to do some sweet talk and tell him you really want to progress in your career, learn new things and want to prioritize it. At-least do the talk, even in your mind that is not your top priority for now. Tell him you need his help during the day to focus on learning or ask him some pointers on them to make him feel included . Ask him to take at-least take one kid's responsibility. He can monitor her during the day and you can help in the evening with home works. Think of hiring help at-least for few hours or half day to take care of younger one.

Ask you husband to take older one for bike rides while he can also get exercise by running or biking. My husband does that. He takes older one for bike rides when he goes for running. Also when he does groceries he will take either one or both kids to take edge off me. I simply relax or do some important tasks peacefully then.

You need to put aside personality issues and expectations with your husband and share tasks with him. For that you need to think and act like a manager and delegate tasks in a political & discreet way. Imagine you have a team member whom you do not gel at all with but still are forced to work together on a project .. How will you handle that?? The order of priority should be FIRST - YOU, SECOND - Kids ( with husband's & hired help) , THIRD - WORK ( need husband's support) , FOURTH - HOME ( husband and cleaning services if able to ).

I just feel you are focusing on the 30% of what you are not able to accomplish and ignoring the 70% of what you are already handling very well .. Appreciate yourself more and keep positive HUGS TO YOU ..

sanjuruby3 · Dec 4, 2020

AppuMom said: ↑

Too many things on your plate ...I would say take half day or full day off for some weeks..Keep weekends to relax and to build bond with your child..do not spend too much time on cooking ,cleaning during weekends...do one pot meal and easy breakfast for weekends..do workout,play with your kid,sleep ..if your H complains,tell him you are taking off from household chores till new years and ask him to manage home..You need to be a tough nut and be sweet pudding to your kids,ask your elder one to help you with some.chores like arranging vessels, picking up toys etc..slow and steady you can win this battle
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My elder one does not do any help as all. For everything anser is 'no' Yesterday i asked her help to take little one away as i am in urgent call for production issue. she did opposite. I ask help to take out spoons etc. It is not that after son born. Her non-helping attitude was before also but got worse after son :-((

sanjuruby3 · Dec 4, 2020

NOW said: ↑

Sanju, I feel like calling you that as I treat you like my friend and I literally had a lump in my throat reading your post as I can so relate to it !!

In the past when COVID lockdown started initially I had similar days too where I was dealing with feeding the kids, solving critical issues over 2 -4 hours zoom calls continuously, older one still in 1st grade and unable to handle online learning on his own, younger one needed help with potty training... I was not sleeping well and binge watching shows, eating junk to numb myself in the night and sleeping less and extremely cranky during the day .. arguing or being rude to my husband and he going into his shell.. THERE.. I was in that phase until May end.

Then I increased walks with kids, talking to friends/family, mingling with other neighbors on walks while still social distancing, spending more time with kids, and making very small changes.. Since it was summer break for my older one the school stress was off me. The I hired a 10 year old kid to teach and play with my kids for 3 hours daily 2 - 5 PM.

While I was learning to take care of everything there were layoffs and my team got affected badly and we got a new manager and he had zero trust on us.. All hell broke loose again.. July, August everything had to take backseat and it was WORK, WORK all the time. My husband stepped in at that time, probably that was the only thing he related better in all my struggles ..It still amazes me how men are wired and they do not understand the stress of kids, cooking, cleaning but the work part is so relatable to them... I feel your husband is also same.

Good that you have a career and your husband recognizes that. I suggest you to do some sweet talk and tell him you really want to progress in your career, learn new things and want to prioritize it. At-least do the talk, even in your mind that is not your top priority for now. Tell him you need his help during the day to focus on learning or ask him some pointers on them to make him feel included . Ask him to take at-least take one kid's responsibility. He can monitor her during the day and you can help in the evening with home works. Think of hiring help at-least for few hours or half day to take care of younger one.

Ask you husband to take older one for bike rides while he can also get exercise by running or biking. My husband does that. He takes older one for bike rides when he goes for running. Also when he does groceries he will take either one or both kids to take edge off me. I simply relax or do some important tasks peacefully then.

You need to put aside personality issues and expectations with your husband and share tasks with him. For that you need to think and act like a manager and delegate tasks in a political & discreet way. Imagine you have a team member whom you do not gel at all with but still are forced to work together on a project .. How will you handle that?? The order of priority should be FIRST - YOU, SECOND - Kids ( with husband's & hired help) , THIRD - WORK ( need husband's support) , FOURTH - HOME ( husband and cleaning services if able to ).

I just feel you are focusing on the 30% of what you are not able to accomplish and ignoring the 70% of what you are already handling very well .. Appreciate yourself more and keep positive HUGS TO YOU ..
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THanks for wonderful post.

So my H has allotted morning time for workouts and after that gets exhausted. Hw does not go out of house or even open the door and on phone all the tme. I keep telling him, even if its little chilly, go out before it gets 4-5 months of gloomy winter... but no. Even for groceries, we order, under name of corona. Basically he has become lazy. Only thing he likes is his friends and then he becomes active. Bike etc forget.
When it was summer, i was taking her to park etc alone both kids and was so hard for me but i still used to, so that they get some brain stimulation.
Now, if weather is little bit tolerable, i take little one for walk even if chilly but no rain. but older will not go.
Yes, my first priority is not myself after seeing hoe selfish my H has become.
His first Priority is himself, then his work and his phone, then kids. I am not in picture. Other chores... he does not care. Instead of crying, I did same. Instead of asking him, i just get ready if i need to go out ( for grocery, bday gifts or other stuff)
Then to every other guest/friends he starts complaining. she goes out for so many hours, leaving kids. She does not care.

Surprisingly, how we are caring about each other in office or outside in pandemic that we are all in this together but at home, how we are struggling for own space, or own time or throwing work at each other so we can get peace, rather than helping each other.

I manage 3 times because when he does that, still i will have to do that. He will cook what noone eats but he likes and cook half thing, not like rice for curry or chapatti so again it needs my intrusion,. I cook what everyone eats to reduce work.

Sometimes i feel i would be better on my own and older one will calm down in his absence but then they need their dad.

sanjuruby3 · Dec 16, 2020

Again it been happening and she is missing out on classes. This time her teacher sent a big email on her not focus and playing. I myself notice this but she does not listen.
Few days ago, I felt bad way she talks to me. So I said i ll leave the house .. and stopped talkig to her. Same treatment she gives me, to go out of room, do not say me this or that. I am badly hurt.
Then from last night she is full on TV/laptop and enjoying her life..no shower...forget about school homework...no need to eat anything as Mr. does not care.
So today, again she missed class Morever, she keeps getting up from classroom and i myself heard teacher getting irritated.
She has made me miserable. I have not spoken with her from last night and expecting single sorry from her but no....
and my H does not care.
She is been in her room whole day in front of screen.....no, no doing homework...watching youtube.
H tells me wait for some days.
Myself - I get bad reviews at performance appraisal, why i know why.. i am only one worried about home and kitchen and kids and work. I stay up at night to finish up and at loss from all ends as compared to my H.
I leave my work on time so i cd take care of kids snack milk in the evening. And Mr keeps working till 6. Then he tells me why do not i take holidays off. His work is important, mine not.

With her classes and our meetings and kiddo, we can not have her in our room whole day.I keep moving from kitchen counter to dinning table to couch to home office desk to cater to my sons needs. My son is always next to me. My H always have meetings.
I feel like crying right now.

Rihana · Dec 16, 2020

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

I feel like crying right now.
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I am so sorry you are feeling like that. You badly need one friend you can call and just cry your heart out. There is no point in stating the obvious to you (why allowing tv, youtube..) and there is no point in you talking more about this with husband right now.

This is my suggestion: Back off completely. Leave her completely to her own devices. Beyond ensuring she is having some food, getting some sleep and taking a bath at least every other day, leave the rest. Try this till Friday January 22nd 2021. Revisit the issue only in the weekend after that.

What if school says she needs to repeat the grade? Worry about this only in Feb. There will still be time enough to get her studies back on track. She might get her act together more if she realizes about the need to repeat possibility.

This has been a stressful time for all, more so for working mothers. And, in your case, the stress is phenomenal. You really have to give yourself permission to temporarily drop one big thing from your list of challenges.

Why that specific date of Jan 22? Because without such an end in sight, we feel like we are completely giving up. Any end date will serve the purpose of providing a respite.

MalStrom · Dec 16, 2020

Agree with Rihana. Drop the rope and let the chips fall where they may. It might serve as a wake up call.

Laks09 · Dec 16, 2020

@sanjuruby3 - schools are doing a good job of keeping the kids relatively safe - masks, social distance, lunch in place, no recess etc. If you are not able to handle everything, have you thought of sending her back to school. I don’t think anybody can do it all with zero support. I know of parents who are in similar situations who have sent kids back to school for their own careers and sanities.

Another thing, she is too little to understand your behavior. Do you want her to learn that it’s ok to do what you are currently doing? She’s six and just because she’s doing it, don’t return the treatment. Give her appropriate consequences. If you treat her like she’s an adult, she’s going to show more sass. Treat her like she’s her age. Kids her age cannot decipher tit for tat behaviors coming from parents. They also cannot be responsible for taking care of themselves and a toddler brother when mom has an important Sev 1 production issue. That’s way out of her grasp.

A six year old also doesn’t “not allow” parents to go into her room. That’s a teen behavior. She’s precocious. Be careful in how you react to her behaviors. She is learning and doing things that she sees around her. Don’t mete out anything that you don’t want her to do.

DDream · Dec 16, 2020

OP, sorry to hear your struggle. Hugs to you.
Please calm down. Take a deep breadth.

As other ilites mentioned set her free for a few weeks. But work on other aspects.
I have noticed that you dont have any control on your life. You have given that to your husband and your kid. You need to take it back.

Just imagine, you are a single mom. What you will do?. Cook minimum, plan it, do it on weekends, hire help to clean etc.. are some options. Nothing will happen if your house is not perfect. List your priorities and stick with that. So stop expecting anything from your dh. But ask for help in the right way ( can you help me regarding this....) . Dont expect that he will volunteer. Most men are like that you need to clearly give instructions. That too in a few sentences. Dont talk much while asking help.

Now, your kid- I feel that she is trying for your attention or showing some signatures of emotional neglect or expressing anger, you need to find out the exact reason.

You have to take your control back from her. I know your hands are full. [ I have faced it and now managing two kids plus job plus every thing with little help from my dh.]

Watch the way you talk to her. Dont talk when you are in angry or frustrated mood. You might have resentment towards dh, but to her you should be very careful. Try your best to be positive. In 24 h, how many minutes you are spending with her fruitfully or in a happy way. I am sure you are taking care of her basic needs. But talk to her only when you can express it in loving sweet and motherly way. Do you take her to bed, if so, sing some lullaby, talk to her like she is your doll/ angel/ darling etc...whatever way you like..
Say how much you care/ love her. How special she is to you. How wonderful she is..how often do you hug and kiss her. .you have to bring back your friendship with her.. you will be surprised how she mend her ways. Treat her the way you want to be treated. Have lots of patience. Please forgive her and yourself. She is so small.

Next, try to show you are the parent not her. If she talk without any respect, even when you were making a point in the right way, tell her very clearly your are her mom,she is your daughter not the other way. So you can't accept this behavior. Tell her this is a warning, if she repeat it again, she will loose her youtube time. ( whatever favorite thing) . Its not difficult for you to block youtube in her Pc or install parental softwares to limit screen time. Stick with what you said. Continue your love care routine as usual. If she is in happy mode, explain how much you love her but your anger or the punishment you have given is not about her but on her bad behavior. Always talk to her by looking into her eyes in a calm composed way...
You have to give a clear message that if she do good, she get good things, if not she will loose her favorite things,including her toys, room etc.

I dont understand why she need a room of her own. Slowly take that power out of her. In my experience, calmly explaining things worked well. But it should be in a few sentences. They dont have patience for essays. So when my kids start doing something I dint like, I will remind them about consequences. Do you like to face consequences? Be careful.

'Yesterday i asked her help to take little one away as i am in urgent call for production issue.'

How did you ask her? Did you order her. How was your tone. I found order won't work very well. So I ask like , ' I need your help' can you help me ? . If they do it, I thank them and appreciate it. But I noticed that my soft respectful approach worked well. I think when my tone or body language change I can see it very well from their side, especially my son. Its like reflection.

'I said i ll leave the house .. and stopped talkig to her. Same treatment she gives me, to go out of room, do not say me this or that. I am badlyhurt'

Kids are like mirrors most of the time. It will be a reflection of your own reactions. If you yell at her, you get it back in many ways. Please dont tell her that you will leave.. they feel like you dont love them or your are only finding fault. Please don't give silent treatment. Its passive aggressive. She will copy the same. I feel that you need to cool down and change your approach.

I have to sit with my daughter ( second grade), everyday ( I have to burn lot of midnight oil to compensate it ) , to make sure she has completed her assignments. But if I force her, it won't work all the time. So if I act like her team member and remind her about the meetings, it works better. I always give them a few chances to correct their behavior. If they dont listen I start counting to ten. That worked very well. Punishment( taking away their favorite or time out-not anymore) is the last step.

In my experience, communication is the key. If we do it properly they will understand. But what is the proper method that work with each kid, that we have to find it out by trial and error.

One more thing, please don't compare her with other kids or tell her that her younger sibling have to learn from her. There is so much time for it. Also it can lead to sibling rivelry. Dont add that burden too soon. Now focus on conveying how important she is to you and teach her love & care. Rest can wait.

You have so much in your hands. So don't stress much over everything. Take it easy and face life as it comes to you. Lower your expectations. This will also pass. Also try to think from her side. Never argue or fight with your husband infront of your kids. Just walk away or wait till you get a chance to talk to your dh when they are not around .
Take care.

[ During one of Indian trips, I came across one of my old notebook from 4th grade. I noticed a letter written by me to God. I didn't have any idea about it. Something like...please help me God to get out of this house soon because my mother dont like me and she is angry all the time. Look like the whole universe listened and transported me to USA. Poor mother. She was so busy with my siblings, job and home that time. I felt really bad and burned that letter. That was an eye opening event. So I am very careful now with my kids]