Dh Moved Out...

Op, its your life and your choice. You can decide . But every one here is concerned about the psychological damage your kid may face when raised in an abusive and toxic environment. It can affect your sanity and health.

"but sometimes i feel, once he is gone, there won't be any father to replace and do things that he did for my DD. "there will always be a void in her life that i can't fill".

What I mean by separation is - he will be out of your life, not out of dd's life. Both of you will be in her life. Both may get joint custody. In that case dd will be spending equal amount of time with both of you. If he is a good father ( you already said it) he will make her a priority and take care of her even after separation. If not, you can not consider him as a good parent. In my opinion, he is not a good father because he abuse you, dd's mother. What he do is just service,that every parent do,nothing special.

You guys are already living like house mates. But he is still considering you as wife and believd its his right to abuse you. If he wants a roommate, he should treat you like that..you are mother of his kid, not his wife. you need to assert that point. It should be evident from his treatment. Evenif you seperate, he should treat you with respect as you are dd's mother.

 

please please stop over analyzing the father part. you cannot and should not separate the father and child physically that they cannot see each other. how he is to the kid cannot be changed, but the presence is always important and it is upto him to change his personality.

this is about you, leaving the abusive relationship and live a peaceful life. I believe you should not separate them ,but you as couple can live separate legally or co-parent. your child will be sad for a time but later when home is at peace, she will like it and will grow well as a kid.

you can be very good parents living near and separate and be happy .

living alone might feel hard, it becomes easy if you remove the abuse and emotional turmoil. however your financial independence and VISA is very important . that i feel be a deal breaker.

 

Arre, why you did that? That’s wrong! Please stop using the little girl as a football in your quarrel with your husband. She doesn’t deserve it! And stop making her feel every quarrel and fight that happen around her is her fault. You will scar her for life.

Why can’t you tell her it’s not her fault? I don’t understand. You took the decision. Now stand by it. Reassure her it’s not her fault. Again and again if needed. Say daddy will return soon. Be normal. It’s not fair to make her believe it’s her fault. Her dad is a gone case why are you also allowing same thing by making her write letters and all? She is saying this because she sees how scared and sad you are. You should be consoling her instead she is consoling you. Not good.

You are out of your depth. Forget all this grand schemes of not involving family you need help. Admit it and take the help you need from the ADULTS around you not a 5 yr old just for the sake of some false pride.

better to be fatherless than be subjected to daily scenes like these.

 

You are not ready for separation or divorce. And looks like he does spend some time with child and his problem is with you. He doesn't like or love you. You can forget the spitting etc, and try to live with H. Just tell yourself, that many women have tolerated much more behind closed doors. He does have temper issue with child also, for that just tell the child to stay out of trouble- looks like the his family is a big nuisance. Teach DD to be extra nice to his family over phone/FT. You stay out of his way and give it few more years- to see how you feel.
I guess, you have a baby also? Anyways, take care of children- that will take all your time- you do not have to talk to him. And show up as couple in get togethers- many people do this. Get your friendship/ emotional support/ general gupsup- else where (no affair- only female relatives). There is more to life than husbands, after covid he will go to office and it will more okay. That you forget it as bad dream, but don't forgive!

 

@snehalJoshi for a few years now, I have read your posts and wanted to give you a hug. And tell you about a friend of mine. Her maternal grandmother went through a lot of physical and mental abuse. She did not have an option (or thought she did not have one) and stayed in the marriage. Her husband wanted to get their daughter married off- so, she was married off at 13. And she got pregnant at 14 with my friend.
Now, my friend's mother put up with a lot abuse as well. And to top it, infidelity. Her husband died in about four years into marriage, when she was around 18.
My friend grew up with trust issues. Her maternal uncle supported them, but they were still second class citizens. Widowed mother, no source of income, no support from husband's family. Her uncle would decide whether or not my friend deserved new clothes on her birthday or whether she went on a class picnic- well, not because he paid for it. Because he did not. My friend's mother paid for it by selling of what was left of her marital assets or wedding jewelry or borrowing from her father.
My friend's mother wanted a male "father" like influence on her children's life and in return, her uncle and his wife got to treat them like second like citizens. It is good enough for children, not you- even if your mother can pay for it.

My friend completed her graduation and at 21 was the sole breadwinner. Repaying back her maternal grandfather all the loans her mother had taken.
Her mother married her of at 29 to a man she barely knew because hey, you have to get married!

And the cycle repeated- emotional and physical abuse. You would have thought, the family would have smartened up by now. But I think, they started viewing all this as normal. My friend got pregnant within three months of marriage, her husband wanted her to abort the child. She left the marital home as she feared the safety of her unborn, with all the physical abuse.
That child is around 8 years now. Her husband is unwilling to take her back and he has married again. And wait, they are not divorced- because, nobody in their family has gotten a divorce.

Apologies for this long long story. What I want as your takeaway from this story is this- how do you think my friend's daughter views a marriage? She doesn't know a father, her abusive grandfather is dead, her great-grandfather is still verbally abusive towards his wife.
How do you think your daughter views a healthy marriage? She is already telling you to apologize to an abuse father/husband - she does not the difference, but you do!

 

Him leaving home is the best thing he has done. Its normal to remember a persons good behaviour when the situation has cooled a bit , but step back from the situation and you will see this is a highly toxic relationship. you dont even know anymore what a healthy loving relationship looks like .. Do you want to reach the end of your life and not know that ? You are scarring your daughter for life by continuing to be in it. Get a lawyer, contact people/organizations that will help and start taking steps. i disagreee with the advice that you should wait till you get the green card or that job whatever . When your neck is deep in water you will automatically learn to swim. There will never come a perfect time when you can leave again. If you decide to stick to leaving and have faith , the universe will send help to you some way or the other. If you decide to stay its the same, the universe will send help to let you stay. This is completely your decision, but honestly its time to end this..

 

But your daughter's mental health may likely get spoilt- that too at such an impressionable age when her mind is still forming. Will she be able to recover from that?

You depending emotionally on your little daughter , you both caught in this crazy situation is not good or healthy for either of you. You need to tell your parents everything calmly , and seek their guidance to help you out of this situation.

What kind of father says he will kill his little child? He's not normal at all. The longer you stay, the more damage to your child's mind. Do not think about parents, society, your daughter comes first.
If still he cares for his daughter, then he can still be a father to her after you both separate. You wont be depriving her of father- you will just be creating a safe stable home for her to stay. You both deserve to live in a safe abuse free environment.

 

Op

I knew he will come back. He will never leave you. That’s what abusive husbands do. They cannot live independently at all. They can not tolerate wife leaving. They will keep torturing wife and/or kids whole life. You have to let things cool down for now and plan for your exit. If your younger child is very small wait for few more years and build your career, finances and plan properly to exit. Bring him to negotiate amicable separation where u both co parent but live in two different homes. Have confidence in yourself. If u divorce u will be settled peacefully within one year, no more abuse, fear, stress tension for another 40 years of life. If You are not handicapped or uneducated then you can earn and survive in smaller house without stress with freedom and peace, dignity, self respect. Your kids are learning from you only.