How To Deal With Difficult Mil?

anika987 · Aug 26, 2020

I started keeping respectful boundaries with my in-laws coz am tired of toxic fights.Whenever I call,I speak generally about movies,food,what they do etc..I don’t call Often and call only once in 10 days for the past six months.I thought this way no unnecessary problems.

Today..When I called she started lamenting and saying we stopped calling and in India she is going to die without anyone.I was aghast and told this is a tough situation for everyone and we are all home.

I said She can visit small temples,or go for a walk or visit relatives places to make herself feel better.

Now my mil hates advise.She feels it is her birthright to give advise to everyone but feels she is perfect in every way.After I advised she wanted to keep the phone down and said she is living in fear and we won’t understand.

I told her even she can call anytime she wants and not just wait for us do the calling.That too she does not want to do.

It is getting very tiring on how to deal with her.

she wants me to be always nice, say yes to everything she says,praise her and take her to all vacations.

In the past 15 years..not once has she even said that my cooking is good.

it is all expectations from her and no giving.She has hurt me many times and so am Keeping a distance.

she says someday we will understand how it is to disregard in-laws and karma is a boomerang etc.Everytime you hear it...I feel like a bad human and end up calling her only to be annoyed.

everytime I end my speech with her I feel guilty and gloomy..It boggles the mind.

She is waiting to Come To USA And knowing her the moment she sees me..she won’t even make eye contact until I go up to her smile and welcome her.

How to deal in a situation where no good is happening even when you are away and always made to feel guilty?

blindpup10 · Aug 27, 2020

anika987 said: ↑

How to deal in a situation where no good is happening even when you are away and always made to feel guilty?
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Straightforward Answer- Let your husband deal with his parents.

My 2 cents-
Don't try too hard to be friends or please anyone.
Friendship/ relationship is always a 2-way street. Just coz she is older- she can not put her insecurities and guilt-trip you.
Many elders always want to be correct. Your MIL is one such kind. Just let your Husband handle her.
Give her cold shoulders. You don't have to bow down just coz she is older.

anika987 · Aug 27, 2020

blindpup10 said: ↑

Straightforward Answer- Let your husband deal with his parents.

My 2 cents-
Don't try too hard to be friends or please anyone.
Friendship/ relationship is always a 2-way street. Just coz she is older- she can not put her insecurities and guilt-trip you.
Many elders always want to be correct. Your MIL is one such kind. Just let your Husband handle her.
Give her cold shoulders. You don't have to bow down just coz she is older.
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Thanks blindpup..I also told my husband to talk to his mom about this and also call her once a week so that she wont harp on me.My hubby said" You see me in a meeting all day and am dealing with lot of job stress lately.I really do not care what my parents think now.They will not understand means so be it.Please one stress at a time"..this is all he said.

What else can I do?They lament they are old and made a mistake sending son to America etc etc and how tough it is for elders in India all alone.They wish they live with grandkids and son..
Interestingly..when they were here,my mil has never played with her granddaughter but was in ipad all the time.When she never showed love to us..how can I feel like giving?

She has always been selfish,passive aggressive and discouraging.How can I honestly show love?

If I share my problems,it will backfire.she will be like"You behaved that way one day right?that is why this happened to you".Already you are in turmoil,and those words hurts more.

Until now,everything she owns as gifts is me sending her behind the scenes and she always praises her son and still says" I do not know about you but my son is a good person".How can i show love to her?

Still..these days I feel so guilty.If I talk to her..I end up gloomy.If not..it is guilt.

I know am not going to be young forever and daughter will leave after few years.I will also face empty nest syndrome etc..

Infact,these days after hearing her saying karma,this and that I have stopped showing much affection towards my daughter and trying to practice some detached attachment already coz I do not want to end up like her.

Are elders always sad and lonely??will old age always be this crappy?

blindpup10 · Aug 27, 2020

anika987 said: ↑

Are elders always sad and lonely??will old age always be this crappy?
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to answer your questions--
In my experience YES! Most of the elders are always projecting their insecurities and they dont want to be crappy, but they cant help it.
My own mom who was worked all her life complains endlessly and has become a pot of negativity during the COVID
My BFF's mom- never stops complaining. ( they both live in the same city)
My Husband's mom- goodness! she freaks out if my husband doesn't text her for the day.

The thing is everyone is going through COVID differently and being elderly they do get their reasons to freak out.

So Yes all elders are dealing COVID are extremely stressed.
But it doesn't mean you need to carry burden coz your husband is busy or doesn't want to deal with drama.

My husband is extremely busy too. He sometimes sleeps at 4 am and round back up at 9 am for meetings. He still makes time to text at least.
I completely put a full stop to talk to my MIL after last year's drama. I am not going to be nice to her, if she treats me like crap period. I don't call her, don't text her don't send pics of my kid or anything. I am upset and I show it.

My husband was forced to step up. He did. Good for him.
In this way I am sane, I already deal with my mom craziness during this time. I don't need more drama from MIL.

I would suggest you step back and put a real boundary with your MIL.

anika987 · Aug 27, 2020

blindpup10 said: ↑

to answer your questions--
In my experience YES! Most of the elders are always projecting their insecurities and they dont want to be crappy, but they cant help it.
My own mom who was worked all her life complains endlessly and has become a pot of negativity during the COVID
My BFF's mom- never stops complaining. ( they both live in the same city)
My Husband's mom- goodness! she freaks out if my husband doesn't text her for the day.

The thing is everyone is going through COVID differently and being elderly they do get their reasons to freak out.

So Yes all elders are dealing COVID are extremely stressed.
But it doesn't mean you need to carry burden coz your husband is busy or doesn't want to deal with drama.

My husband is extremely busy too. He sometimes sleeps at 4 am and round back up at 9 am for meetings. He still makes time to text at least.
I completely put a full stop to talk to my MIL after last year's drama. I am not going to be nice to her, if she treats me like crap period. I don't call her, don't text her don't send pics of my kid or anything. I am upset and I show it.

My husband was forced to step up. He did. Good for him.
In this way I am sane, I already deal with my mom craziness during this time. I don't need more drama from MIL.

I would suggest you step back and put a real boundary with your MIL.
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Hmm..true need to step back more..

I will tell my husband one last time that he can deal with them and I will be ME.
I am done with trying to be atleast somewhat concerned with her.

Gaya3Prakash · Aug 27, 2020

It is just that, she is feeling lonely. No relative here is now ready to open the door for others, coz of the Covid. Visiting temple, is never an option, small walks can be taken, but again that depends.

I stay with my in laws, the covid has got my hormones turned aggresive. No point in pointing fingers at others, I learnt to deal with situation and accept the facts.

See, in laws cannot become parents. We just got to do our responsibilities well, as it reflects our upbringing.

When our mother says, she feels lonley- we immediately feel sad for her. If our in law says that we feel, shez doing drama.

Men,neither talk to mothers or to in laws, so they dnt understand our pain.

Take deep breaths when you talk to your in laws, you will know what to do next.

anika987 · Aug 27, 2020

Gaya3Prakash said: ↑

It is just that, she is feeling lonely. No relative here is now ready to open the door for others, coz of the Covid. Visiting temple, is never an option, small walks can be taken, but again that depends.

I stay with my in laws, the covid has got my hormones turned aggresive. No point in pointing fingers at others, I learnt to deal with situation and accept the facts.

See, in laws cannot become parents. We just got to do our responsibilities well, as it reflects our upbringing.

When our mother says, she feels lonley- we immediately feel sad for her. If our in law says that we feel, shez doing drama.

Men,neither talk to mothers or to in laws, so they dnt understand our pain.

Take deep breaths when you talk to your in laws, you will know what to do next.
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I understand your point but again like how inlaws cant become parents,they do not treat dil as daughters.

So,even when I have said i was unwell..they thought I was doing drama.That is the problem.

I was married at 22..was super innocent and without inhibitions went to their family.I come from a joint family where my mom lived with her inlaws(my grandparents) and other relatives.

I was told I need to adjust,stay calm and treat them as my parents and I did try and for many years!!

she was the queen of their house until I came and when my husband started showing affection on me..her tantrums started.

I was not and honestly,even now am not one of those strong,bold girls who can stand up for themselves.Even in Indusladies,if you check my threads or ask other IL's..even in times of conflict,I remain calm or quiet.

Why am saying this is..this is what my character is and am not lying or blowing out of proportion about my MIL.

I tried and really did try.I am still trying but even last time I spoke all she said is "I know about my son but nothing about you."This is after more than a decade and a half.

I have been a doormat,bribed her with lots of costly gifts,done so much and am saying this with my conscience.

It just hurts that she emotionally blackmails me, and thinking about her is enough to get scared of old age.

Many are lonely in this covid situation but we have to work through it despite our mood swings.If I talk to her..she upsets me with her talk,even if i dont..she emotioanlly balckmails me

SGBV · Aug 27, 2020

Your guilt feeling is the gift of being a good human being.
It is your birth nature, so you can't change it. I am also like you, and I had my enough shares in the past. Not just with MIL, but also with my side of the people.
No matter what, I end up being nice with them only to get an earful from their venoms. Even then, I keep on being nice, else I would feel guilt. Sigh....

But there is help.... Though you can't change your birth nature, there are ways to change how you react to it.
I have changed a lot though there is a huge room for improvement.
Instead of feeling guilty; hence returning back to that innocent self (and getting an earful from them), I chose to direct my guilt into something self satisfying. That makes me happy or at least guilt free.

I don't gel well with my MIL - You know the history.
But each time, it feels bad to not to call her or not to wish her on her birthday/special days etc...
Earlier, I would voluntarily call, wish and end up hearing awful things from them - and that would totally upset me.
Now a days, I don't call... Keep the distance as it is, because it gives a lot of sanity.
Instead, I do things genuinely to satisfy my inner soul - so that it doesn't go to the guilt mode.
Last time, on MIL's birthday (in July), I went to Church, offered a prayer for her, reminded H and kids about her B'day (as they totally forgot it) and encouraged them to wish. In fact, I selected thoughtful gifts, and packed them and made them send those gifts to her.
We cooked a special lunch on that day, and provided lunch to a poor family on behalf of her.

My H was very happy about the deed. That even made us come closer!

anika987 · Aug 28, 2020

SGBV said: ↑

Your guilt feeling is the gift of being a good human being.
It is your birth nature, so you can't change it. I am also like you, and I had my enough shares in the past. Not just with MIL, but also with my side of the people.
No matter what, I end up being nice with them only to get an earful from their venoms. Even then, I keep on being nice, else I would feel guilt. Sigh....

But there is help.... Though you can't change your birth nature, there are ways to change how you react to it.
I have changed a lot though there is a huge room for improvement.
Instead of feeling guilty; hence returning back to that innocent self (and getting an earful from them), I chose to direct my guilt into something self satisfying. That makes me happy or at least guilt free.

I don't gel well with my MIL - You know the history.
But each time, it feels bad to not to call her or not to wish her on her birthday/special days etc...
Earlier, I would voluntarily call, wish and end up hearing awful things from them - and that would totally upset me.
Now a days, I don't call... Keep the distance as it is, because it gives a lot of sanity.
Instead, I do things genuinely to satisfy my inner soul - so that it doesn't go to the guilt mode.
Last time, on MIL's birthday (in July), I went to Church, offered a prayer for her, reminded H and kids about her B'day (as they totally forgot it) and encouraged them to wish. In fact, I selected thoughtful gifts, and packed them and made them send those gifts to her.
We cooked a special lunch on that day, and provided lunch to a poor family on behalf of her.

My H was very happy about the deed. That even made us come closer!
Click to expand...

wow that is a really nice way to soothe the soul and feel good..
Even I encourage my hubby to keep in touch with her more,make sure the kids speak to her so that they feel good.I like the way you do things for her birthday.That was really very thoughtful of you.I will keep this in mind and implement it.Thank you.

Patientone · Aug 28, 2020

If your husband is as you say he is, you’re lucky. I would ignore her completely. Don’t let what she thinks or her words affect you. Don’t discuss her with your hubby either. After you talk to her, do something for yourself so you forget about her taunts. Her behaviour will carry on in, you can’t change it. They only thing you can change is whether you let it hurt you or not.