In-laws Are Moving To Bangalore..feeling Sad:(

Why are you sad?
They are making a perfectly reasonable choice. Many of our parents don’t want to settle permanently in the US, even when the relations are excellent. My dad honestly shared his opinions during a long visit when they came to help with my newborn. He was happy to spend time with us but was not pleased to be dependent on us for everything. No causal meetings with their friends, no going to their weekly bhajan sessions, lack of transport, boredom at just talking walks and watching TV, being away from the extended family and poojas and family occasions and always being worried about health issues.
That was the only time my parents stayed for the full 6 months allotted on the visa. Otherwise they come for just 2-3 months and that too only every 2-3 years.
My uncle and aunt went to a retirement home after living with their daughter in the US for several years. They helped with childcare and the minute the youngest started elementary school they packed their bags and returned to India. They are having a peaceful time and are able to engage in all their interests. They also have all their extended family close by and their daughter and grandkids visit yearly.
Let your in-laws move and wish them well. If the situation turns out not to their liking they can always reevaluate their plan later.

 

Your post brought similar feelings in me towards my in laws. When they were with us, myself being fully tied up with looking after my 2 sons (with husband on official tour most times) had little patience to listen to their talks of their old times etc. They were good on the whole, but being hard of hearing , i used to get irritated having to speak loudly for everything. However, I always saw to it that we took them out whenever we planned any outstation visits etc. As I was working full time too, i just wanted to relax on holidays without having to cater to their needs, which sometimes created friction. When they moved on to my BILs place later and then passed away, was really saddened that I could have been more understanding knowing their situation.

I am saying the above, as I feel it is quite natural that our first priority is towards our husband and children. You need not feel guilty, as I feel you will have a much better relationship with them managing themselves. Youll will naturally be in touch and doing what is necessary for them.

 

The only thing that could make you both happy is to move to India and try to work out things there. Could you do that? If you can't, then don't think about it. I understand your feelings and though I am not sure what I would do if I were in your place, I can tell you that it is not just you, it is other factors too which have influenced this decision. It is really sad but if there is no solution, there is no problem either.

 

I’ve read most of your previous threads.
What you’re feeling is GUILT.
But the reality is that your in laws have made a good choice for themselves and their children..
Your MIL has never been good with you...if they’d settled with their other son, they would have felt some resentment towards you that you’re free...atleast 6 months year they’d stay in US...
This way, none of children are troubled, they get to socialise with others their age and enjoy retired lode and no one needs to worry much about their security and safety, medical emergencies will be taken care of to some extent..
And this is not ordinary situation...this is COVID pandemic which is on upward trend..for next 1.5 years we need to be very cautious till vaccination is done...what if they travel to US and get infected during travel...or in the US..or if they stay alone in India and get infected...healthcare is a big problem this time...in all cities no beds for Covid patients, no beds for medical emergencies...doctors are not ready to even to touch patients out of fear of infection...even live in helpers are not reliable in such situation...till the pandemic ends they’re better off in such a secure and protected retirement home...
See even if in laws are on good terms it’s not easy to live with 70 plus yr old elders...
And if continued to be on bad terms while living jointly, they would have made life hell for you and you’d have ended up being maid and nurse for them...you would have regretted being nice..
Good relations need to be built over years...in laws cannot be nasty to their DIL always and then expect DIL to eagerly welcome them to their home and look after them permanently...
What you can do now is, feel glad they made good decision, pray that they’re hale and healthy in present situation and pray that the pandemic ends soon so you guys can visit India and meet them again..

 

Really it is a big pain to live permanently with in laws..I'm experiencing it now...due to pandemic in laws are staying with us long term...they're just eating and sleeping and watching movies or TV all the time...and then complain they dont have rest...even if they do smaller chores they complain that they're unable to do so much work..they will not even wash a few plates and glasses used by them.. even prior to pandemic they wouldn't adjust with domestic helps to make it easier for us...they are younger than your in laws.. their age people I.e friends and relatives their age, are so much active in work and household chores and smart in different activities....but they behave like 80 and 90 year people..every now and then there is either an argument or tantrum from their end..they will not go to their native place because of pandemic, and because if they go there they have to do their chores themselves...unfortunately this Covid is causing fear in everyone's mind and situation is bad both in my city and their native place too.. I'm longing for the time they can travel safely back so atleast for few months I can have freedom and privacy from my MIL and FIL....if I was in US and they would make such arrangements for themselves I would be quite happy not guilty...maybe u think I am a mean person but I'm also an ordinary human being, and not extra ordinarily good person...
You would rather be not-so-nice and happy than nice and miserable..

 

Such introspection ...could have resolved better, issues handled wiser, communication warmer... so forth ... are in hindsight, not in foresight, once the immediacy of the conflict has worn out. Does not matter what the issue has been, who was wronger, anymore.

If you feel gentler about the argument today, not necessarily in reconciliation, but in some form of retrospection, convey your diminished vexation to her. Just a friendly call. Don't let loftier imports like dignity and implication, or any misgiving of that sort, to such a small and forthcoming gesture of affability. You might develop unrest on their infirmity in the near future, wish you had done what you speculated back in 2020. So, preempt further turmoil by telling her how softened you feel about that past argument. Itna bhi kya sochna ...anika ...bus ek insight hi toh hai... to cheer her up, why such dramatic avowal withholding that pleasantry. Do it. Tell her.