My Past Vs The Present...

I think its important to teach kids what saying sorry means. Its not a word to be blurred out.

Say sorry if:
1. you feel you have made a mistake.
2. you feel you will not repeat it
3. Be specific on what you are sorry about

"I am sorry I pulled your hair. It was not nice of me and it would have hurt you. I will not do it again."

if you are not sorry about an action but the other person feeling bad:

"I am sorry you feel bad that I am not sharing my toy with you. It is very personal to me and I don't want to get it damaged in someone else's hand."

Once we understand the weight of our words and respect ourselves, we will find the right words.

Don't look for quick wins when helping your child. You should believe that you are bringing up a leader, a visionary. They deserve more compassion and more back and forth of ideas than saying, "do this because I said so".

 

More than use such an intense situation as a teaching moment - just share in the "intensity" of the feeling with her. Tell her:
I understand - if my friends were to stop talking with me suddenly I would feel distraught too (which is the truth even as adults). But we don't know fully what's happening in their minds. So let's first sit down and talk about how we feel. Or may be we make ourselves your favorite drink and then sit down and talk?

Another thought that I've seen in my own kid do - More than what we ask them to do, they do what they see us or others around them do. Have you or H - after a tiff with each other (or another family member or a friend) - apologize to the other *till* the other person calms down? It might even be something cute/romantic couples do - but kids could view this as "the way" to handle such a situation. Or have you or H been at unrest/anxious (thinking aloud as a family) till a situation comes back to normal. Did this perhaps happen recently that its etched in her mind?

Take it easy on her - she is obviously quite troubled and is doing what she thinks is best to patch up with her friends. I understand what this triggers in you - (we all have our own parenting biases shaped from our own lives) - so nothing wrong in that. But do try your very best to not get irritated at her behavior - because this could cause her to hide her unrest from you next time - rather than come to you confidently to help her handle her intense feelings.

 

These examples and a comparison of how other kids behave is not going to help when it comes to our own child, only good thing come out of it is we could learn a lesson or two and move on. Even if it was bullying (everyone has a different definition when it comes to bullying) there is a limit you can protect and guide your child. Some kids are smart, more vocal, sassy and can raise their voice when in comes to a conflict. Some are gentle and needs help. While in school or in college, you cannot just hop in and make the situation comfortable. Kids will have to deal with it. If the particular situation is not favorable to the child I would advise just move away with out getting hurt.

 

@startinganew
More than use such an intense situation as a teaching moment - just share in the "intensity" of the feeling with her.

Indeed pragmatic

Tell her:
I understand - if my friends were to stop talking with me suddenly I would feel distraught too (which is the truth even as adults). But we don't know fully what's happening in their minds. So let's first sit down and talk about how we feel. Or may be we make ourselves your favorite drink and then sit down and talk?


Yes. That is perfect idea to think getting into the mind of & other circumstances of other party or spouse.


Another thought that I've seen in my own kid do - More than what we ask them to do, they do what they see us or others around them do.

Children learn right from their tender age through playable and impression age learn more out of observation and practice.


Have you or H - after a tiff with each other (or another family member or a friend) - apologize to the other *till* the other person calms down? It might even be something cute/romantic couples do - but kids could view this as "the way" to handle such a situation. Or have you or H been at unrest/anxious (thinking aloud as a family) till a situation comes back to normal. Did this perhaps happen recently that its etched in her mind?

This example cited is too often happening to many. Forgetting or not remembering birth wed days and failure to greet spouse on right time or and at right moment, results in silent punishments. But generally with passage of time it turns cool and eases out as one begins to understand more the other leading them to bonus time!

Thanks and Regards.

 

Hi anika987!
I fully understand your situation! My parents too raised me with values of innocence, chivalry and altruism. I too would say sorry all the time (actually I still do). It's my nature now. Like you rightly pointed out, it's more for our peace of mind than for anything else.

Like you, I too want my DD to grow up into a confident and self respecting lady. I "ignore" the situations when she stands up for herself because (a) I want her to build that confidence to speak up on her own and (b) I ignore because I cannot confront anyone even now and so her actions give me butterflies in my belly! I don't say that I am doing something right by doing so...! :-|

But then parenting is not easy. You and I have to be strong enough to distinguish between the right and wrong with an unbiased perspective (I mean not drawing on our past insecurities) and guide our kids objectively.

People above me have posted well meaning and useful suggestions. I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute (being in the same boat as you) but had to write here just to vent my bottled up feelings and to offer solidarity! It feels good in a way to know that there's someone out there in the big wide world facing situations similar to you!

 

The kids already reflect their parents and when they are in the developmental stage, we must facilitate their character development through some adverse situations and let them handle on their own. When they come back and discuss the situation, we must ask questions for them to let their conscience drive to the right answer. Those children who are raised in this fashion understand decision-making, self-respect, forgiving, need for apologies, setting boundaries, gratitude, etc.

 

That's a nice parenting tip, Viswamitra!

Could you please give me a suggestion on how to go about a situation when an adult in the family (a decent, fun loving, genuinely good person) repeatedly pulls the child's legs with pranks or fools them with some silly stories, etc. The gullible child initially falls for it and then gets angry and upset on knowing the truth! How to explain to the child the use of one's discretion to guess what and when to believe and what not to.