Dealing With A Clingy Ex

your decision is fine. that's it. there is nothing much to say , you can be a good help to your ex. but nothing more than that.

i just wanted to share an experience, my neighbour, he is close friend of my H. whole weekend there was fight in his house, i live in apartment, so noises were too loud and really emotionally upsetting.

he goes to gym with my H , he broke down to my H tonight, saying it is same fighting for last 15 years. he is tired of drama and fighting. he does not care, if spouse takes all property and he has just enough to live and eat.

he just want to live his 40 s and above in peace.


there is time limit after which , even being alone but without any fighting or expectation to satisfy anyone is peaceful. if you feel that way, please proceed.

 

Wow thats a horrible battle .. hugs to you.

But babysitting your ex, making sure his health is good, making sure he has a friends circle etc are not your job. he needs to get his ducks in a row or his parents/siblings need to help him.

You are enabling him too much and wrecking your own life. He should have thought about all that when he assaulted you in a barbaric way, he should have known your value when he let you suffer in loneliness and depression.

You are ruining your own happiness here. I only text me ex about the drop/pickup timings, vacations itineraries, other school holidays etc as we are co-parents. PERIOD. If he has a surgery or accident, his family/friends will step in. I am not his family or friend. he is not my family or friend. We both created our own support system as SINGLE people.

Please have strong boundaries, you are letting in someone who destroyed your life. There is humane nature and plain foolishness. Its a fine line.

 

You can decide whether its right or wrong.

But as you are in the process of divorce that is not yet finalized, also he is very clingy and want to come back to your life, its better to keep him at bay. Avoid interactions with him as much as possible. You don't have to respond to his texts if its not about kids. I know its good to have cordial relation with EX for your kids, but ' only for kids'.

If I were in you position, I would have depended on uber/lyft than on him even if its expensive. I read your other posts too. I think you need to define a boundary and learn to say NO to him. He is no longer your husband or friend ( if he was a good friend the divorce would not have happened in the first place). Only you can do it. You only can control your response. If you don't do that you will face more issues for sure. Take care

 

You lived with your ex for 17 years and you are the best judge of his character. If I were in your situation and ex offered a ride I would not take it as it will be a negotiation tactic later on like " I helped you during the surgery so you compromise on the child custody/asset division, you are very ungrateful and took all my help and not reciprocating" ..

He is unconsciously trying to build the "obligation contract with you". Meaning, suppose he has an accident or has a surgery he will expect you to do all the pickup, drop off, buying medicines, bringing food etc for him. And he is totally reasonable to expect it as you took his help.

Pls stay away from ex. Thats the healthiest thing to do even if your ex is Mahatma Gandhi.

 

You can earn the money you spend on ube/lyft later in life but if you take his help you will be in his "obligation contract" always and he will use it to manipulate you even after divorce.

 

Kavya,
If you do not want to be around your ex, you should stop entertaining him by asking his help. Updating him on your situation is different than asking help. You should take uber to go for the appointments instead of asking your friends or ex to drive you. It will cost a lot of money but save you from heartaches later. Avoid your ex at all possible scenarios. By telling him (unwanted) details about your rides, you are encouraging him to come back to your life, and you probably know it. You don't have to tell him how you are getting the ride, tell him you have the ride - be it uber, lyft, county taxi, or a friend. Don't give any details, Keep things generic. Tell him you are set for next few weeks ride and will let you know if there is anything that you need.

 

I totally understand that you will help him under humanitarian grounds and also feel guilty for breaking the marriage and leaving him in the lurch. But the reality is if you want a clean break, bright future and fresh start you have to move away from him. He can bring his parents or marry someone else or hire a caretaker or ask a friend or train his kids to help around. But he is clinging to you for a reason, the reason is he has seen how you are an easy target to control and thinks he can repeat the same one more time.

Abusive men love to keep their victims close by and manipulate with love and care if violence does not work. Read up on DV and the tactics men use on DV victims.

Anyway - your life, your choice

 

My answer was specifically about not taking any help from him under any conditions, even if he ask you a 100 times. It is not about being right or wrong. getting a ride from him was just an example. Healing will take time when you had a longer marriage, by keeping him close, it is not going to be easy on you. So IMO, I would spend more money on uber than taking few rides with him!!!