Raising A “bully”..

anika987 · Dec 31, 2019

I had a vacation with a family who has daughters one same age and another two years older.My child is a soft person and the other kids were constantly annoying her by either teasing her or grabbing her stuff,making her cry etc.On one occasion, one of the kids severely scratched my child.

I can only control my kid.I was trying to calm my child and told her to walk away,play on her own or speak up which I saw her doing.However,what bothered me was the mother of the daughters did not even try to reprimand her daughters one bit.All she did was shout their names in a stern voice and asked them to keep it low.To top it, she proudly said her daughters got her stubborn nature from her.

My daughter is getting agitated why those girls aren’t getting reprimanded.

The girls might be strong and smart but it is a bully in the making.Honestly,parents need to protect their kids but not at the level of not accepting that their kids are in the wrong.A little bit of self introspection isn’t wrong.

Another incident..In my community,my neighbor’s son got kicked some times by another buy in the playground and when the neighbor went to the mother of the son,she was adamant in saying her son did not do any mistake.Its best if the parents find out the truth who is right and wrong.

Thirdly,I have seen kids in the mall play area.One small girl was constantly pushed away by a boy elder than her and finally when the mother intervened,that’s when the boy’s father stepped up and took away his son.Seriously?He was just watching all the happenings.

On a particular birthday party, A child was eating the cake with her fingers dipped in it even before it was being cut.The mother was so proud of her child and was smiling and taking videos...seriously..NOT cute.Does she realized she just spoiled the happiness of another parent who is celebrating the birthday party of their kid?

Raising a strong kid is important but sometimes bullying and being arrogant is mistaken for strength.More than the kids excelling in studies and activities..one must raised a good human being.

No one is perfect but it’s always better to check with our child too instead of reacting.

Many more incidents..just had to write it.Our kid is precious to us..SO IS THE KID FOR OTHER PARENTS. Half the problems will be solved if parents deal with their kids first.

anika987 · Dec 31, 2019

Some other annoying instances..

Unfortunately There are only two rooms for taking a shower in the swim class.So as parents we try to make it quick or sometimes dry the kids,get them back and give them a shower at home.
One time,there were three kids dripping wet and one mother went to the shower and was happily shampooing,give her girl a bath and the process went for literally 15 minutes or more.You love your girl but there are other children too and try to make it quick.Have some concern.

Had to go for a 4 D show and was with my daughter. We were walking to some seats and were about to sit down,suddenly the other mother who was standing the next row looking for seats put her handbag in the seats and said she is planning to sit there.Huh? I didn’t want uneccessary arguments and found other seats.She happily came sat with her son.Your son is watching you.He will do the same soon.

Teach kids smartness..the right kind.What she did was cheap.Uneccesary shrewdness.

World will be a better place if we concentrate more on asthetics,humanity and not just economics.

I am sure many have faced some similar instances.

Angela123 · Dec 31, 2019

anika987 said: ↑

I can only control my kid.I was trying to calm my child and told her to walk away,play on her own or speak up which I saw her doing.However,what bothered me was the mother of the daughters did not even try to reprimand her daughters one bit.All she did was shout their names in a stern voice and asked them to keep it low.To top it, she proudly said her daughters got her stubborn nature from her.

My daughter is getting agitated why those girls aren’t getting reprimanded
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Every mom thinks she does the right things to raise her kid. You do what you have to do. I can see why in this case you reacted the way you did. I have a very sensitive kid who is afraid to stand up for herself sometimes. You can only control your kid, and that is the best way to do it. If your kid is getting physically attacked by other kids in front of you, don't be afraid to jump in and tell the other kid to stop it. If that hurts the other mom, she needs to deal with her kid. When you feel something is wrong, speak about it. If you are not doing it and keep it in your mind, nothing will change.

That being said, it is not good to jump in on every incident you think when your kid needs help. try to make her understand sometimes these kind of things happens and teach her what is not acceptable. There will always be bossy, selfish, rude kids to deal with.

I remember an incident when DD was yelled at by a screeching 5 yr old boy and to date she hates him. His mom didn't do anything about the incident, and she is one of my good friends. It is the way she chose to raise her son and I just have to accept it. My kid doesn't play with him anymore though.

anika987 · Dec 31, 2019

Angela123 said: ↑

Every mom thinks she does the right things to raise her kid. You do what you have to do. I can see why in this case you reacted the way you did. I have a very sensitive kid who is afraid to stand up for herself sometimes. You can only control your kid, and that is the best way to do it. If your kid is getting physically attacked by other kids in front of you, don't be afraid to jump in and tell the other kid to stop it. If that hurts the other mom, she needs to deal with her kid. When you feel something is wrong, speak about it. If you are not doing it and keep it in your mind, nothing will change.

That being said, it is not good to jump in on every incident you think when your kid needs help. try to make her understand sometimes these kind of things happens and teach her what is not acceptable. There will always be bossy, selfish, rude kids to deal with.

I remember an incident when DD was yelled at by a screeching 5 yr old boy and to date she hates him. His mom didn't do anything about the incident, and she is one of my good friends. It is the way she chose to raise her son and I just have to accept it. My kid doesn't play with him anymore though.
Click to expand...

I understand why your DD don’t want to play with that kid.What I don’t understand is why that mother didn’t advice her kid? That is unacceptable.

However,yes we have to only advice and control our kids

Rihana · Dec 31, 2019

The mom who hogs the bathroom at the pool, puts bag on the seats you were about to occupy, watches her child ruin a birthday cake are examples of people who are not considerate of others. These examples might make their children grow into adults who are inconsiderate of others. Being inconsiderate is much different from bullying. The other incidents can be divided into rude, mean, and bullying behavior by the children.

anika987 said: ↑

My daughter is getting agitated why those girls aren’t getting reprimanded.
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Was she getting agitated by herself or was she reflecting your agitation at the other mom not reprimanding her kids? Usually, kids who grow up in the U.S. are bothered if a parent or teacher reprimands them and not another kid, or if both are reprimanded and fault is only the other kid's.

When my child was in elementary school, after a note from the teacher, I had to talk with my child a few times about tattling versus telling/reporting, and about not helping the teacher in maintaining discipline in the class, and not to be bothered about other kids not getting reprimanded. Googling "reporting versus tattling" returns many useful articles and colorful kid-friendly images.

Rude Vs mean Vs Bulling: Defining the Differences is another good read for parents of young children.

"...
So, why is it so important to make the distinction between rude, mean and bullying? Can't I just let parents share with me stories about their kids?

Here's the thing; in our culture of 24/7 news cycles and social media sound bytes, we have a better opportunity than ever before to bring attention to important issues. In the last few years, Americans have collectively paid attention to the issue of bullying like never before; millions of school children have been given a voice, 49 states in the U.S. have passed anti-bullying legislation, and thousands of adults have been trained in important strategies to keep kids safe and dignified in schools and communities. These are significant achievements.

At the same time, however, I have already begun to see that gratuitous references to bullying are creating a bit of a "little boy who cried wolf" phenomena. In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying -- whether to simply make conversation or to bring attention to their short-term discomfort -- we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and-death issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence.

It is important to distinguish between rude, mean and bullying so that teachers, school administrators, police, youth workers, parents and kids all know what to pay attention to and when to intervene. As we have heard too often in the news, a child's future may depend on a non-jaded adult's ability to discern between rudeness at the bus stop and life-altering bullying.
..."

Emphasis in the excerpt is mine.

Angela123 · Dec 31, 2019

anika987 said: ↑

I understand why your DD don’t want to play with that kid.What I don’t understand is why that mother didn’t advice her kid? That is unacceptable.

However,yes we have to only advice and control our kids
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My friend has a different way of parenting. I chose a different method. I cannot judge that her way is better than mine. For example, when the kids grow up, may be the little boy in the story has a strong personality than my kid which might be good for him. IMO, we should leave most of these kind of things to kids. For my kid, she knows the boy is loud cry baby, she try to include him sometimes or not. I let them deal this on their own.

BhumiBabe · Dec 31, 2019

Hi Op,

you mentioned that this family is a close enough family that you vacationed together. When my son and his friend get too rough or one of them gets too cranky and hurts everyone else, I don’t hesitate to tell both kids (mine and my friends) that we are not supposed to act this way. I also say that if there is any more fighting, the 2 of them cannot play together. I never punish the other parents kid.

each parent has their parenting style, but in a common area, it is not wrong to be as stern as a school teacher.