Nuclear Family Back To Late-start Joint-family

From Indus ladies, as well as from some of my friends/family circle - many nuclear families are planning to have their parents move-in (i.e. their kids' grandparents) when they begin to need help (or would like help) for their daily life. I am wondering how the dynamics will work?

I thought, the earlier the joint-family (with it's own share of plusses and minuses) worked because during their 50s and 60s (and sometimes even 40s), grandparents were active contributors to these families - helping with cooking, grocery shopping, raising kids, income, culture, experiential wisdom, etc. This integral contribution to running the household would have made it easier and more natural for the 2nd and 3rd generation in the household to provide as much physical and emotional support when needed most by the aging grandparents in the household. And most importantly there were many hands to help. Also the acknowledgement, appreciation and importance of the grandparent's contributions is fresh in their minds and makes it easier to perform their care-giving duties. (I say the joint family system "worked" not that it continues to work well because it has been on a decline for various reasons which speaks of its impracticality in current circumstance)

But if there is now separation and independence in these peak years (50s + 60s and even early 70s) - how can we expect a "healthy give-and-take" in this relationship? Or what can be done to foster a healthy relationship? I know it is not a business transaction for "give-and-take" to work. I also am talking of the cases where the relationship is reasonably OK - with the trials and tribulations that most relationships have to endure (and not one in which there is intense discomfort/hurt and pain between the two parties).

Do you personally know of families where the two generations were independent for a couple of decades (with occasional visits and such) and then they moved in together without much issue? I know it's hard to say from afar as a third person - but just asking to see if you've across families where it worked and where it didn't work.

Do you plan to do this in your family?

If yes, how will the kids - possibly teenagers at the time of the late-start- bond with the grandparents? (especially given the generation gap between parents and kids themselves is wide enough).

What if the kids have left for college? How will parents who are recent-empty nesters handle this care-giving?

 

I am hoping to do this in my family. But I have no idea how it will work and how well it will work - and hence my question to see how others are looking at this.

 

Thank you for bringing out this perspective - the power struggles appear to underlie many of the issues shared here in parent/IL relationships.

 

Thanks a lot for the detailed response, @Amulet. Your frank sharing gives me a lot to ponder about.

Only recently, I did hear of the costs of home-caring. In a big-city in India, for my grandmother, 24-hr in-home care costed about 10K for the day and 12K for the night. In my city in the US (relatively high cost of living), my colleague pays 2000$ for someone to come in for a few hours of the day to help his 90+ mom-in-law with morning routines, administering medicines and also checking of some vitals. That is a steep cost for just a few hours a day. The funny story about his (a non-Indian) MIL was that she had bought her own home up in the mountains and was driving a dangerous car up and down the hills and then also getting herself into trouble with home chores. So they packed up her "retirement" home and asked her to move in with them for her safety.

 

Hats off to their progressive choices. I wish the conversation was like:

Lady of the household: Mom, I think it's time you moved in with us.
Grandmom: No way, I don't want to eat the salad you make for dinner for everyday. At my club, I can choose between rasam-saadam, ragada-pattice and ravioli on any given day.
Lady of the household: Mom, but that isn't good for you. I will let you go, only if you choose salads-on-weekdays meal plan.
Grandmom: No, you don't sweety. Residents get to veto children's meal plan choices. Fist-bump.


On a more serious note. I personally don't know anyone who chose the retirement home route, so a question for you:

Amongst your parents - I am guessing there were some pros and cons that they may have voiced about their experience. What did they like about the experience? And what did they not like about it?

At any time - you can yell: "stop-asking-me-more-questions".