Help Please

r@Misha33,
As a wife , you have every right to question him when he just spends the whole day away without giving any valid reasons. Reserved nature has got nothing to do with his not keeping you informed of his activities and whiling away time outside when even kids would naturally be waiting for their father. When he is in a normal frame of mind, i.e. when not angry or so, talk to him calmly and tell him, this is not the way families are run and children will surely be affected in the long run. It is not that he cant spend time for his interests like gym, tennis etc, but it should be with an understanding that he will make it up to you all with othr planned activities. It may require patience rather than getting angry and having shouting bouts which will not solve the problem. Take care and update how u are faring later.

 

Can you elaborate what this fight was about? This will give an idea what made him so angry on you. A little more background would help.

 

He owes you an explanation for all this.

Don’t ever clean this if he does next time. If he knows how to throw, he can clean it too.

Will he be ok if you did whatever he did n next day if you simply say “move on” ??

Tell him you want to sit n talk with him. No shouting, throwing. Just talking like two adults.
You as his wife deserve to know
how you ruined his life
n why he is behaving like this
N what can be done to fix this situation ?

 

I agree with all of the questions above. You shouldn't stop until you get answers. This is your life too. He cannot be a dictator. Ask him why he specifically blamed you with "You ruined my life" statement. May be it is work stress, but from what you described above, for these past days he was avoiding contact with you for a reason he thinks you caused. You will need to find it and handle it patiently. Do you guys fight often ? Is it the first time he did something like this? Then it might be a serious issue. Dig a little deeper to get your answers, and work like a diplomat. Give a little what he wants, but make sure you get everything you want!

 

Talk to him and make it clear that he is hurting you emotionally and this behavior is not acceptable. If he wants to play tennis, make it 3 days a week, so that he comes home all other days to spend time with you. or play for couple hours and make it back to home in time for dinner with everyone. Just an example. You have to make him understand that when he does his abusive gesture towards you, it will make you less affectionate and detached from him. Find sometime to sit down with him when he is calm and ask him what is the reason behind the behavior, tell him it is worrying you very much. Mental health is as much as important as physical health. If you keep everything bottled up in yourself, it is not going to do any good in the long run. See a doctor if need to.

 

I can see lack of respect on both sides.

Everyone needs space. He too. You need to respect that. What's wrong in spending time for himself. If he has already informed you about that, why he need to acknowledge it again. No one likes to say sorry for it. But you can tell him you appreciate if he could schedule his gym or tennis in such away that he reach home before you all go to bed or before dinner atleast. Staying late that long can be a concern. Tell him it make you anxious and worried. Deal it in calm way. When you demand explanation he feel like you are controlling him or questioning him. May be that's the reason for his out burst, mostly due to ego. You can also join gym, find some activity, hand over kids to him whenever possible and enjoy your time.

But he also need to respect you. Verbal abuse or emotional abuse is unacceptable. You have to set boundaries. He should not cross that. Tell him ( no questioning but convey) when both of you are calm, you can not accept his verbal abuse, its creating so much damage in your mind. How can he be a role model for his kids. Is this the way an educated mature person behave?. How will he respond if kids those bad words. Ask him an explanation for his sentence on " you spoiled his life" . Is there any truth in it. Or it doesn't mean anything.

Ask him in what way you can make situation better. But demand respect if it's not given. You have to convey that you loose respect when he use bad words and make you emotionally distant and negative. Is that what he wants. Demand an apology for using bad words and throwing stuff( never clean, he has to clean it himself, let it be there). If he need a positive and loving wife he has to treat you that... use sentience start with ' I ' not 'you'. He can be a reserved person, it's his choice, but you dont have to hurt yourself by keeping anger inside. So communicate well. But if you argue or raise voice, full attention will be shifted to that, but not on the point you want to convey. So learn to talk in cool and composed way, but at the right time.