Does Your Husband Take Your Side Or Your Mil (his Mother)?

I have always fought my own battles and I have no expectations from anyone ( spouse included ) to support me. My dynamics with IL’s is my business, the spouse would not understand nor do I want to put him in that position .

 

He takes her side and used to blame her behaviour on her age etc. That is when we used to live with her. But now that we live abroad, hes changed his tune. He would happily still breastfeed from her if given the opportunity because she is sooo sweet with him. She didnt used to acknowledge him when he used to learn less money in India but now that the pounds go every month. She adores him. He doesnt acknowledge how she treats me badly. If we talk about it I get no reply. If I press for any sort of communication. He gets angry. So what is a girl supposed to do. In India he tried sticking up for me once in a subtle way but she soon melted him away with her tears and illness the next day. Honestly what is a girl supposed to do.

 

Same with me @SinghManisha
Never expected H to fight on my behalf.
Days when I was not well treated, I shut my mouth up but never spoke with DH because that my problem with my in-laws.
I dont want him to be in that awkward situation.
After many years I spoke up and now my in-laws know the limits

 

I beg to differ here. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation to ask husband for help. Husband is the one and only connection in Dil and inlaws so he really should know what is happening. I believe boys should also learn to make a balance between both ends. Bonding between couples is sometimes already a roller coaster ride on top of that if wife can't share anything to husband it's an added stress. Yes a lot of tact should be used and lot of picking and choosing the battles but he should know what is happening.
In my case I married the best guy from the worst family. My in laws house is badly ruled by my mil s sisters family and neice s. I was going crazy. I couldn't really vent it to my parents because they only agreed half heartidly for this marriage, I was hell bent to get married to him. Had I told my parents they would have said we told you. so I used to unload it all on dh. Poor guy have been very patient. Fast fwd 15 years forget dragging him in I don't even let these petty things reach myself. I can't bother myself with all these dramas now. I have put a huge full stop to everything.

Regarding taking sides he knew what I was going through. If ever he feels the need to talk to his mom about the things which are causing me trouble, he always talks to his mother separately. He never did it Infront of me. He is a v good son. After the initial few years I stopped depending on him and started sorting things myself. I believe it's v important for men to understand the need to balance both ends properly.

 

It really helped me and it really works. A few years back the frustration got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. So I used to do this. I had a big teddy bear which got punched and kicked very badly. I still haven't told this to my dh and he thinks it's the meditation which did the trick

 

This.
The in laws are in your life because of him.
He has to know and he has to handle and be the barrier between them and wife.

Similarly the wife has to be the barrier between husband and her parents/ family.

Indian men get too much sympathy for getting sandwiched between wife and mom.
It is their fault for not cutting the cord and letting family interfere in his personal life with his spouse.

All it takes is one statement from him asking them not to interfere in personal issues.They shouldn't get married if they can't do that or atleast don't complain when they get sandwiched.

 

I have decent in laws for the most part. Growing up I have tackled the worse kind of bullies in school and professional world by myself. So this is definitely something I can take care of.
I am glad you stood up for yourself . I can ignore minor issues but people must be made aware if they cross certain boundaries.

 

Never.
Takes MY side.

says at night... once his mom has slept...

"If I support you in front of her, she will make a bigger issue.
that is why I did not... you should also know her nature by now.. these are uneducated folks with lots of notions on relationships and no exposure to outside world... we need to be tactful in dealing with her..."

I always wonder... who is he tactfully dealing.. me or her....

Like @yellowmango said, they should stand up for you, if you are right...However, if they don't.... stand up for yourself. but be smart in asserting your importance.

Learn from folks in this forum... having grown up with no sisters, and mom who was not very smart in dealing with her marriage... this forum has been a wealth of great advice..

 

Could not stop laughing reading this .

My Dh I dont know where his mind will be most of the times. The way he see things varies depending upon the situation. When I was pregnant, he supported me and my thoughts. He also told me forgive her with a big heart.
After coming back from delivery situation changed. Again when BIL fam came for vacation again he was on my side as he was scared of fights. After than again back to normal sulking mode.
But I see a tremendous change in him post BIL marriage. Though he doesnt support me much, he has reduced going around MIL unnecessarily. That is irritating her very badly and this she keeps telling to BIL everytime indirectly that my dh has stopped caring for her.
If I tell him what wrong has happened he says to stop accusing his mom and that I always think negative
When I prove him practically what went wrong he just keeps quiet.
Sometimes if he goes mad he shouts at her badly when she tries her oversmart tactics and then almost falls on her feet.
So person so many colors. What can I say

 

Of course his mother
Do I care . Nope