Living Arrangement- What’s Your Preference And Why?

@ATI

I think the way to find the best option is to think what kind of living arrangement you would do if you and your husband were to make with your children, a) if you don't have enough money to live on your own and 2) if you have plenty of money to live on your own. In a) above, will you be comfortable to be told by your children that we could buy a house and you can live on your own or live only for 3 months with your adult child or you are responsibility of another child for a specific period. In b) above, will you be fine to be on your own, if the children just talk to you over phone whenever they could even when you get older?

I am not sure what you mean by "there is no question of what will happen with my parents". Just because they decided to live in a retirement place in India, do you think you have no responsibility towards them?

In my personal view, money should not be the factor determining how to take care of the parents. Even both set of parents can stay in India as long as physically functional and when they need help from their children, they should be able to do so. Even your parents decide to migrate to the US forever, you should be prepared to meet that eventuality.

 

My preference would definitely be Option 2. Having their own place that way it will be close enough so your husband and you can take care of them and also to minimize any repeats of issues you previously faced. Spending time with them during parties and functions will be expected. But for every weekend, could you plan it such that one day is for chores + family time and the other day for spending quality time with grandparents? You can voice it as: Saturday, I will go with kid for class A and take her out for icecream with her friend/shopping/anything you guys like to do. And if possible plan something nice for the Sunday also - like pick up food and do a picnic at the park. That way grandparents have something to look forward to for Sunday and don't feel needlessly left out for the relaxed Saturday you want to spend with you kids and husband. I know you can't do this every weekend - but maybe set up some routine so expectations are set from the beginning.

Why is this ideal situation not possible? Why not start talking to the BIL from now onwards - as you start looking for a place. Tell him that you guys (husband and you) are planning on how to prepare for parents to move to US permanently and that you might be getting a place for them to stay. Ask them - how would they like to plan things out? Staying 6 months at other son's home will definitely be a change that is good for your in-laws too - to have a change in routines of day-to-day life.

It is great that your husband is understanding and is seriously considering the option of having them stay separately. Hurrah to understanding spouses.

Even if your parents have a retirement place planned, why not tell them to visit for longer? Your husband seems understanding enough and maybe able to value the importance of taking care of both set of parents as much as is possible. Kids also get to increase face to face time with grandparents - most importantly kids watching father and mother take care of both sets of grandparents with equal gusto.

 

I can't agree more. The determining factor should be how they treated their children/children-in-law and what kind of relationship they forged with them.

@ATI, ITA with @Rihana. Your DH and BIL should be the ones taking care of your ILs. Your role should be a supportive one.

Let your DH figure out if he would prefer to chauffeur them around for 6 months of the year or for 12. Don't let them count on you for care-taking. You can always pitch in later if you want to, but don't let them plan on you doing their job for them.

I'm not sure of the math here. I would have said DH and BIL should split the cost 50/50 regardless of where the parents live.

I imagine your ILs will be bitterly unhappy if you set them up in an independent apartment even if it's in your neighborhood. IMO, a good option would be to carve out an IL suite with a separate entrance in your house. That would give you some privacy. And they could still visit your BIL for 6 months of the year.

This.

@ATI, kudos to your parents for their retirement planning.

.​

 

Your call ? Remember , with power comes responsibility. Let husband and BIL run the show 50:50 ( mortgage/ rent/ living expenses/ health insurance) I like the 10 mins away idea better but with boundaries / expectations set before hand.

 

OP, They are his parents, he is responsible to take care of them everyway. Why is he asking for you opinion? Is he giving you options to look after their need from the same house or in different house? Tell him clearly what help he could expect from you, let him decide where they have to live. IMO, better you don't make the choice of separate house, one day or other it may backfire on you.

 

Dear OP,

Reverse situation had happened to me in my personal life. My mother, after my father's demise, had enough wealth to lead a life of her own even though she chose to live 6 months with my older brother in India and six months on her own in my father's home. We were living in the US at that time. I realized that she needed only emotional support and financial support only if it is absolutely essential. Accordingly, I decided to provide what she needs from time to time.

However, my parents-in-law had only child in the form of my wife. They had lived in a joint family for 25 years consist of my father-in-law's parents, brothers' family, etc. My FIL's father had a major financial crisis and ended up selling all of his real estate which would be worth several crores now. When his mother sold the house, he came out with very little wealth. He also performed his daughter's wedding elaborately despite my dad's request to make it a simple function.

Eventually, my FIL retired and didn't have enough money to survive on their own. I have provided financial support for them since 1990s when they lived in India and asked them to visit the US to spend time with their daughter every two years when we visited them every two years. When my FIL died, I brought my MIL to the US and she currently lives with us here for the past 5 years.

That is why I have written money shouldn't be the factor to determine how to take care of the parents. There may be situation when both set of parents may need help from the children. Respective children should be able to help, if needed but the decisions must be taken by the respective children (you in your parent's situation and your husband in his parents' situation).

 

I would have them with you with 6months and another 6months of complete freedom.
If you look at it, only mon-fri you will have peace but usually mon-fri is hectic with jobs, school,classes,gym,cooking, cleaning etc. Weekends, long weekends etc are the real break and if they are nearby you wont have real break.

They will surely come to your home for weekends and all vacations. They can even say at one point that they are lonely in the apartment and move in or too sick and want to move in etc.

better to establish - 6months of taking care of parents and 6months of being fully free to what you want.
Whether they are in India or in BIL's house is their problem. Also paying rent, energy, grocery, insurance etc is big expense. Not sure why your BIL wont pitch in

 

They live in house 10 min away and u see them every other weekend for one day. Negotiate this with ur hubby.