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View On My Friends Suggestion Of Not Approaching Men

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nolife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. I did not get your point. I blame my foreign-living mindset for that. However, isn't the younger sibling having to wait criterion become passé ?

    Your "being what you are" includes all of that "accomplishments". We always answer the question "what are you?" with some occupational connection. And our business cards tell people our college degrees.

    Whether it is arranged, or some other way, "you as a person" includes your accomplishments. No matter which way the marriage happens, a whole list of must-have's need to pass muster in one another's mind, before they become a couple. She may want him to like her for "what I am" thing, and he may want that too, and then some as well. If the partner can sing, dance, look nice, earn gobs......isn't this a point-system, like the one they have for immigration to Canada, or Australia ? [Canada is good, while Australia isn't a good match]

    This must-have list is not just a pre-marital filter. This gets revisited on a periodical basis, although the list may have gone through modifications; the frequency would depend only on the happiness (satisfaction? reconciliation to the reality?) of the people involved in the marriage. The engineering grad - homemaker cousin is likely doing it. Her vocational education is not a total waste. Given her boundary conditions, she may have decided that what she does now is the optimum for her family scheme. Systems analysis.

    If you had already been through CAT, and MBA etc.. you could think about any new acquisition of some significance (economists call them "durables", in contrast to "consumables" referring, of course to, one-night-stands); they all involve considerations from all angles to see the pro's and con's. If someone wants you because you are "accomplished", well... then, you should still put him (that alliance) through your critical must-have criteria to approve or decline the deal.

    In the meantime, tell the younger sibling to go ahead with what she wants -- parental help, or elope with the one who had offered a deal she likes.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2019
  2. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @Amulet,
    Maybe we should create another thread on this subject, I am sure OP is super annoyed about how we two are monopolizing this thread.
    The thing is - I don’t feel like I really earned my alumni status of the two institutions I went to. Of course, I have degree certificates and all. But the institutes I went to, had a lot of extracurricular activities that I never participated. My undergrad institute was in the same city where my parents lived, so I lived at home. In this insti you were hosteller by default and my HOD did not approve my (parent’s request) to be a day scholar. So I had a hostel room that my parents paid for and I almost never used.

    I did my masters in a city some six hour bus ride away from the city my parents lived in - so I got to live in the hostel, but visited my parents every weekend. If I had classes over a weekend, I had to “prove” to my parents - I would need to share my class schedule. My second year was a little better, because my aunt started passing comments about how I was not independent at all. So my parents asked me not to come home for a month. That month was awful because I never had this experience of being on my own, but I think I started making friends then. And it was then I think I started questioning some of the things my parents did/said.
    I know professionally I might be doing alright, but I don’t feel like I can actually call myself a pass out from a so and so college. I feel like a fake. TBH not many from my undergrad school would even know me. I don’t go my alumni meets either for the same reason.

    Another reason it hurts so badly is prolly cause my parents never let me have a normal college life ( either as hosteller or dayscholar) because they were so afraid I would become a drug addict or alcoholic. In fact they were against me joining the masters school as well, because they thought snobs went to that school/ did an MBA and they wanted to get me married. It was the first time I argued with them and I almost didn’t go until my sister pointed out that it was a city with men in IT and they could always find me a groom who worked there. To be fair to my parents, once I started on my masters they stopped looking for alliances in the first year and only started in the second year.

    Then they thought it (my educational background)would earn me brownie points in the arranged marriage market.and when it hasn’t, they are again blaming my education and job and want me to quit so that I can get married to a fella who will not feel threatened by my job/salary? I am sure there are secure men who make as much as me/near abouts.

    I know my parents mean well, this is the upbringing/ background they had. They don’t have sons and they have given us (myself and my sister) good education. And they were strict while we were growing up, because they were forward thinking in their families and they did not want someone coming and tell them “Mai na kehti thi”.
    And all this is their “conditioning of 50 plus years” talking. And also 36 isn’t young. But I am not lucky (or maybe you make your own luck?)in the love/ relationship department and every remark of theirs hurts.
     
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  3. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    I think it may have something to do with the way they were raised. After a lifetime of being told that good desi boys don't get involved with girls, they are expected to woo and win a bride, and they're unsurprisingly clueless. And then there are the guys who are raised to believe they're God's gift to women so they wait for potential brides to chase and catch them. Small wonder so many guys leave all of the decision-making to MummyJi.

    Nobody has more skin in the game than you. Your decision is the only one that should count.

    Good girl! Stay obstinate! Be picky and wait for the right guy. Your way is so much better than suffering through buyer's remorse or, even worse, trying to get an exchange or refund.

    There's nothing wrong with choosing tradition either. Just so long as both parties are on the same page. The problems arise when one spouse is traditional and the other was merely pretending to be. Or, horror of horrors, when people cherry-pick their traditions: "Yes, we expect dahej and a demure obedient bride who must also bring in a hefty salary while providing 4 hot meals and balm-massage-seva for ILs on demand."
    .
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    So many others, including Novalis and Amica are here too. And besides,
    We are very much on topic.... reg. how/why people initiate communication with a potential date, or companion. Your story points to the baggage one carries and how it affects one's psyche, and the way we communicate with others. Our jobs try to modify us, especially if it involves outside-the-firm customer contacts; however, those who are tired out at the end of the workday in such a job, find having to be gregarious in private life a difficult chore.
    A well adjusted (gregarious, likes music, travel and sports), and self-confident person who is reasonably economically independent, but not make as much money as you do, or as old as you are, could be a viable candidate for you. Unfortunately this is not the sort you can find through parents, or horoscope exchange sites.
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2019
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  5. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    I personally got advice from a relative asking me to adjust with a guy with less salary as any ways I am working already. I replied her back saying that I cannot keep working all the time and I am used to certain life style.
    Biggest joke is she is living in a costly community paying 51k monthly rent with 9k maintenance and hubby is at a role just below VP in an IT company. Being not working all her life, enjoying all her pleasures expecting me to work all the time and adjust.. There is no way that I can be sole bread winner all the time.
     
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  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Why is she(your adviser) still paying rent ? Aren't jobs stable enough to commit to a house loan EMI ? In such a case, shouldn't she be working as an Insurance to sustain her lifestyle ?

    "Adjusting with a guy" with less salary should be OK, so long as the guy is younger. You could have your own formula with an "x-amount/year difference", older makes more, and younger makes less.

    Quitting work, and having a luxurious life of a kept-woman can come when the long married woman had retrained her husband to honor-&-obey her. Until such time, it is safe to keep a job that pays self-maintenance.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2019
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  7. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I forgot to tell you earlier that from what you describe, the communication styles of both your friends is extremely unhealthy and toxic; so if I were you, I wouldn’t be looking towards them for inspiration.

    Relationship is neither a one upmanship, nor a princess or a king show where it is my way or the high way.

    Every person gives out a vibe and the kind of person you attract depends on the vibe you are giving out.

    Communication and give and take is the very basis of any relationship. I can understand the desire to be pursued but there is such a thing as reciprocity. For a girl to say I will never call a guy ever - to me that tells me that she is a very close minded person with rigid ideas of gender roles. If I was a guy, I would walk away super fast from such a person.

    Again, take some time to think about what kind of a person do you want to be, what kind of a person do you want to be with. Work on your self worth so you are not swept away by anyone in your family/friend having a strong opinion on how you should live your life. Think about what makes you happy, what kind of friends make you happy. Your future partner needs to be your friend too so getting along and being on the same wavelength is vitally important.

    I once had a friend who had been so emotionally battered by her parents and husband that she never learnt to think on her own. When you asked for her independent opinion on something, she never had one. She would go along with whatever you decided. No one had ever listened or paid attention to what she thought or wanted that she had forgotten that she had a god given mind of her own. Her spirit was broken. And it made me terribly sad to see that.

    I have seen people who love to impose their will on others. As if it validates their life decisions if you do exactly what they have done. But that is not right. Their life is theirs and yours is yours alone.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that learn to be more independent. A major part of your struggle with your self esteem is linked to that I feel. Your interactions with guys also is a reflection of that.

    Take care and all the best❤️
     
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  8. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @nolife, I have realized one thing - our parents, siblings and other with the best of intentions are not living our lives and not experiencing what we do. While a little salary difference may not really matter (say80-120% of what you make)with an adjustment if the guy is younger or in academia like Amulet says, you should still think this through. It will be your marriage.

    My parents too want me to quit and marry a regular chap in IT or academia. I seriously gave a thought about it. Then realized it was not for me.

    Regarding communication styles too - be wary if you don’t hear from the other person often or he doesn’t respond to your messages. I have had amazing experiences in the past wherein I tried adjusting with such men and then they ghosted me. They have other important things going on in their lives, like another woman or man or they are simply not interested in marriage or you or this is simply their idea of a relationship.
    You should treat yourself better, because if you don’t who else will?
     
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  9. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    well said.. thank you.. yes I had communication issues with my ex too he never used to call me and it was all my effort. i am thinking not to repeat the sme mistake.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Let us leave this traditional, gender stereotypes for now. Let's focus on the present issue OP has quoted above.

    If you take OP's friend's suggestion in general, I am sure many of you would brush it away as if it is some old fashioned, rigid, traditional and closed way of thinking. Of course yes.
    But if you know the OP for a while and know her problems and the correlation between her problems and this friend's suggestion, I am sure everyone would analyze this case differently.

    Having said that, dear @nolife I hear you.

    To be honest, it would seem odd if you talk to your prospective groom often before the alliance is fixed, and an understanding is happened between the two of you. The reason being your divorcee state and your age and the social status as per our tradition.
    Even if your calls are genuine, chances are high that the outsiders could take it as if you are desperate and lonely and trying so hard to win the groom by being extra nice.
    Being extra vigilant and tactful on such circumstance can only help you here.

    Be patient, control your urges to call, and study his silence patiently before initiating a call. Dont repeat the same mistake ever again
     
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