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Who Is Our Real Enemy ?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Mar 25, 2019.

  1. Urmila

    Urmila Silver IL'ite

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    I am not trying to favour any infidelity. But it is something which happens and many marriages end because of it. It can lead to disastrous consequences. But not all who had fallen down that track are to be told ‘characterless’.

    I know plenty of couples, where the husband has many flaws, the wife just tolerates such behaviour just because she is totally dependent and doesn’t have any way to leave him. In such cases if the wife had such affairs- would she be considered ‘characterless’. She might not be in a position to leave her husband or whatever. It can be the other way round as well. I wouldn’t be too harsh to just decide on one’s character based on just what we know- affair part alone.

    On a side note both Kannagi and Madhavi are deemed Karpukarasi. Meaning both are on the same level with regards to their character.

    On the whole, I totally agree that affairs are betrayal of trust among the couples and would definitely prefer them to being loyal to each other. But I would also not quickly judge them and label them. Sorry I didn’t mean to offend you or others but just trying to empathise with people rather than generalisation. That’s all.
     
  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    No problem.you just gave your opinion.

    I feel if that wife has no way to leave her husband due to dependency..does it make it right for her to have an affair?

    Out of impulse or frustration she or he makes a mistake and really repents then it could be forgivable.

    If she is feeling dependent..she should go and make herself independent.She is independent enough to think on her own and have the guts to have an affair.Similarly,she can be independent or have guts enough to have a life without her spouse.

    He or she is free to leave the marriage or end the relationship if it doesn’t work.
    Rest are all excuses.period.

    Honestly..no justification should work.

    I will be shocked to my very core of my spouse cheated.Any normal person will feel that way.Forgiving or not is later on depends on both of them and what they choose to do.

    Marriage or love should be based on trust.Once broken it is hard to recover.

    Even if the one who cheated has someone else cheating on them..they are not going to be cool about it.
     
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  3. Urmila

    Urmila Silver IL'ite

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    Like you and many others, I too would have been devastated if I come across similar situation with my spouse. I didn’t underestimate the trauma caused by such affairs.

    Regarding getting away from marriage it is not an easy one due to multiple factors. I just told an example or situation which can happen. Going independent is based on educational/economic status of women, ability to seek jobs, kids and the support needed and extended family support. All these are very important. Moreover my question is if the woman who had been married to a husband who is violent or abusive and the woman has some emotional/affairs - do the society have to be too harsh on her? Is it fair to blame her when it could have been her husband who pushed her towards this end? If she did continue to stay with her husband even for kids sake or unable to get divorce from her husband due to any number of reasons- do we have to judge her harshly. That’s my question and I keep thinking about it.

    We have same thoughts with different views on this topic.
     
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  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Noth
    True
     
  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    5DECA031-50A1-4A09-9E57-34153388ECAC.jpeg
    AFFAIRS...

    NO Justification
    NO excuses
    NO reasoning

    Dot.
     
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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Both these women were selfish and crazy.
    Why didn't kamnagi question kovalan about his affair??she easily forgave him.
    She burnt the city of madurai with the common people for her loser husband.
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    but, she is in a position to have an affair?
    It takes a lot of guts and skills to have an affair. If one can have an affair, then the person should use that energy to find a way to get out of the marriage instead of being cowardly and have an affair. Where is the self-respect and self-worth? Having an affair Tit for tat, may in fact complicate things than resolving anything. It is not harsh treatment rather harsh truth.

    Sorry, two wrongs don't make it right.
    It is betrayal and wrong irrespective of the gender and you cannot make an excuse for having an affair. No one can be "pushed" to have an affair. It is a conscious choice.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2019
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  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    -Women face each other in the common domain- kitchen/household so they tend to clash over control .
    -Any member who is not financially independent has no decision making power in a household, so they might try to get authority through competition etc to establish their importance.Hopefully this problem will disappear gradually as women are allowed to work and fulfil their dream too.
    - When there is more space for women to prosper in decision making roles, the unhealthy competition will reduce.
    What I mena it has nothing to do with gender, but simply due to circumstances. It is sad when families fight over petty things on regular basis-this causes stress.health issues, bad impulsive decisions. Family is a place for us to recoup after a hard day at work, to rejuvenate our mind to face the next day's challenges. We destroy our own family and our kids if we indulge in fights/abuse .



     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Sharing a case that i have recently come across.

    This woman A and her husband B had a love marriage a decade back and had 2 kids together.
    B had changed with time or A was not smart enough to know the real B before marriage.
    Their marriage lost its meaning.
    There were lots of misunderstanding and distance between the couple.

    A had to work so hard to keep the marriage alive for the sake of the society, though the root has already died.

    No love, no affection, no sex, no care or friendship between them and it became normal as time passes. Each lived like roommates by doing their responsibilities as parents under the same roof.

    A looked very old at the age of 35 and lost interest in maintaining her weight or looks. She was just surviving.
    Also there were rumours that B is getting closer with one of his female buddy at work, which A was aware of... But did not do much as both wanted this marriage for their kids and society. Both dreaded divorce or to fave their conservative society after that.

    Several years passed, and there was no change in their life. That's when A found her soul mate through a readers club online.
    Their friendship was the only string that made her to cherish her life and live it with a meaning. She has starred to bring a lot of changes in her body, mind and even the way she approached life.

    This man - lets call him C, was also leading a pointless marriage with his cousin who became his wife due to his parents pressure. He loves her like a sister but never felt anything beyond it seems.

    A lives here in my home country and C lives in Swiss.

    Their online friendship slowly blossomed to an affair, and it turned to physical when A and B met for the first time in Dubai in an organized meeting.
    ( on the pretext of going for an official training)
    From that point onwards both of them meet in a 3rd country like twice a year for max 1 week.

    This gave A the much needed courage to walk out of her dead marriage and face whatever the blame her H and the society threw at her with class.
    This affair also made C some clarity as to what he wants and how he wants his life to be.
    Both are in the process of legally divorcing and getting married with each other soon.

    Since i know A very well, and i had various reactions to their case from the beginning... I could say one thing to myself. Never judge.

    A could never get this courage to move out in the first place to find love or live all over again. So, it was her luck that she met C while she was still married to B. This changed her life forever.

    And I could not call this cheating, because this couple was only married for the sake of it.
    And divorce is still a taboo here, so walking out of a marriage citing love or sex can never be accepted by family or society... Specially for women.

    We have only one life and certain stages like youth or sexually active stages passes very quickly. So you can't take it for granted or waste it without any hope.

    Every case is different, so don't judge anyone
     
  10. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    This thread was about "Aurat hi aurat dushman"
    It changed to "affairs- moral or not"

    Just read a book of lies said by women. The author got the women to write about their "misdemeanors", anonymously to her and compiled it, to make a book. The author's conclusion is that since the resources are a limited to woman, she has to lie to have it all.

    E.g. there is only one job available to women, out of 10 available jobs in a script writing team. Now, all women will compete for this one job and will compete against each other. They cannot ever have the second seat open for them so they have to bring down the other woman who gets near the only open seat.
    I do not agree with author's conclusion that we lie and are mean towards other women because of all the atrocities by men.

    I think, we will never be able to fully analyze and draw conclusion on "women rivalry". It is an age old problem.

    I do not agree, that if all the 10 positions on script writing team, were open to women, it will get any different/ better.

    My take on this is biology- we are driven by hormones and social conditioning that spans over entire evolution period of homo sapiens. I will never say this outside this forum!

    When we need sex from a man, on a regular basis, and also desire resources for our offspring(s), it is hard to hate that man or any other possible candidate. And how can we be all "sistas" with some unknown woman who is also competing for the same things with same kinda arsenal. We tolerate some sistas, if we know them, or have learned to live with them (may be they are our sister).
     
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