New Day, New Beginning With A New Hope.

Writing is so therapeutic and definitely sharing it here is more therapeutic .
Never I thought anytime that I would write about this topic here. 3 days back everything seemed so normal. Even at the start of this week I wrote here how I was losing appetite during my pregnancy and needed help in tackling that.
Feb 7th was the favorite day of my life where I heard a strong heartbeat of my healthy embryo. Like anyone else I was a happy first timer enjoying my pregnancy after big battle with infertility for 5 long years . Thought I won the battle and God finally gave me what we and everyone is the family were wishing for. At the same time very very cautious about everything.
Feb 21st was my next appointment with my RE. Feb 7th the growth was one week behind but it didn't bother my doctor as he said the embryo has a strong heartbeat of 143bpm and some babies are slow starters . He put on multivitamins and said he will monitor in 2weeks. In my slightest imagination also I didn't think anything negative for I am always trying my best to develop being positive in all situations.
So here is the conversation in my scan room .
Dr B : how are you Anusha?
Me : I'm doing great.
Dr B : Any problems you are facing.
Me : No.. Just having some trouble taking food.
Then he comes to scan.
Me : Last time I couldn't record the heartbeat. Can I video record it today?.
He says off course you can
This was the longest scan he ever did. Generally he engages in a conversation with me. He keeps asking me what engineer I am. And never bothers to listen when I say him I'm a structural engineer. But he engages in a conversation somehow. Today his silence was increasing my heart beat. I was waiting for him to say a word. He was very frantic. After 6 7 minutes - the longest wait of my life he said " I'm sorry I don't have a good news for you Anusha ". My throat goes dry. I wanted to ask him what and why. But my voice stayed in my stomach. My husband asks him what happened? He doesn't answer. He asks the nurse for my previous scan report. She brings it. And keeps seeing that and finally says I'm sorry there's a growth lag in the embryo and the heart beat has stopped. I ask him to scan and check again for the heartbeat. He said he checked it several times and there's no heartbeat.
I freeze there but I have move to his room as he said he will discuss further in the consulting room. We go to his room. There's so much silence. My husband says can we scan after a week and check. He said no even if there was 1% percent chance he would never say it's a bad news. He's 100% sure that around a week back the heartbeart has stopped and said this is called a silent miscarriage or missed miscarriage.
For the first time in the 3 years I couldn't make an eye contact with him. I kept looking down avoiding seeing him. Never I have cried in front of him during the 100 appointments I have had .When ivf failed in August I was bold and asked him what next. But this day it was different. Tears just started rolling down my eyes. He said I need to look at him. But I just couldn't. He took a big prescription and wrote the procedure to abort the fetus at home.
My husband had few questions . He answered everything patiently. I sat there. I don't know what my mind was thinking. But I definitely was not listening to what they were discussing. He gave tissues to wipe my tears and said "it's not anything because of you. Such miscarriages happen because of chromosomal abnormalities . 20% women face it. You are young, have a good frozen embryo. Let's be hopeful. " I try to walk out. He says sit here for a couple of mins. Ask me questions he said. I said I have nothing to ask and I'm okay - wiping my tears.
Rest of my day goes in crying and cursing myself. That's what we do right. We take it on ourselves even though it's not because of us. What I got " bad headache". My husband convinces me. I become fine. After sometime he starts feeling Terrible and I convince him. Doing this repeatedly we realize it's evening and decide to consult an other doctor for second opinion. Not getting appointment anywhere and finally walk into a hospital request the nurse to give a walk in. She somehow budges after some reluctance. We meet Dr D. I said I have come for a second opinion. He sees everything and says you have been treated by Dr B . The best for infertility . I have nothing to say. He will never ever say anything wrong and he's the best one in here for IVF. If he's said its final. There is no doubt but scanning again and listening to the same words from me that there is no heartbeat to going to be painful. Try to accept it Anusha. I had to accept it no matter how hard it was. But he suggests to go for DnC instead of aborting it at home for it heal quickly and the fetus was 8+ weeks and in case some tissues remain it'll spread the infection..
Dr B didn't give me an option of DnC because maybe he felt I will say no for another procedure.
After much discussion with a close relative regarding DnC and aborting at home we decided to talk to Dr B regarding DnC and scheduled an appointment on Friday for the same.
Lying down in the same bed as I was 6 months back where I was told I got 13 good eggs and 5 turned into good embryos was a painful experience . Never I thought one day I will be in the same bed for DnC. All procedure done with little physical and extreme emotional pain. Had to bid good bye to the poppy who I thought one day would call me "Amma" .
Dr B asked why did u get scared for aborting the embryo at home? Just pain would have been there for a couple of hours and there would be just tissues passed out as it was just 9 weeks older .Dr B is the one who always believes in natural process than procedures . Been my experience with him for 3 years. I said "Doctor you may call it an embryo or tissue or fetus as per your medical term. For me it's my baby. To expel it from my body in front of my eyes that too without a life would have been the most difficult thing for me. " He was at loss of words to say anything convincing to me. There were a lot of what next discussions between him and my husband. I didn't have anything to discuss anything further.

I'm not sure if I'll ever go back to Dr.B for another FET or to anyone else for all this treatment but for now I'm going to take a break and not chase anything . Last 8 months have been so hectic with n number of visits to the clinic. It started in July. Then ivf failure. Then trying for FET. And then so many challenges along the way. Finally good news and pregnancy loss.. What a roller coaster ride indeed. Whoever said life is roller coaster ride I experienced that now . The sinusoidal wave. ( remembered my school physics).

After DnC I come home, take rest. I get up at 3 am and have a visit to the wash room and keep staring at the ceiling and I feel some sort of emptiness in me. I cry till my husband wakes up and says today you cry as much as you want. From tomorrow I want you to be normal please. I say him how I have been feeling incomplete as a woman as my body can't even perform a basic function of creating an offspring. I'm failing as a woman. He feels so heavy with these words .
We are complete in each other's company. We don't need something else to make us feel complete were his words. No words comforts me and I continue to grieve to my heart's content but I promise him to be normal if not tomorrow but in the coming days.

As I wake up this morning the first thing I told myself
"IT'S A NEW DAY ,A NEW BEGINNING WITH A NEW HOPE ".

P. S this is just a vent out post to feel comfortable and to come out of the loss. I know people who have been facing much bigger challenges in their lives and compared to all that this is a small hurdle. Want to keep reminding myself "This too shall pass " and I am feeling much better putting some feelings into words.

Though I grieved enough I have taken many positives from this chapter and as they say LIFE MOVES ON and I'm looking forward to many exciting things in the coming days.

 

Thank you very much for the comforting words...

 

Thank you very much for the soothing words.. It definitely helps me heal faster.. .

 

Dear Vani,
Why is it so tough to deal.. ? I wonder...
Thank you for your prayers... ❤