1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

In Deep Dilemna Wat Options Do I Have Need Suggestions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ravioli1970, Dec 27, 2018.

  1. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    hi ladies,
    this question goes out to married women mainly in long term marriages. my husband and i have been married for 22 yrs, have kids together, he s an IT engineer by trade service mgmt specifically, i worked in investments for yrs, stayed home when kids were born, work pt in a school now for yrs, it worked out well with raising my kids without a support system around me since he was the bread winner, i was a partial provider.
    everything was well for 4-5 yrs but for the last 14 yrs, its been a roller coaster ride. my husband got laid off after spending 20-25 yrs in IT , he's over 50 now, and ever since has not been able to find anything steady. he finds jobs but they last 6 months to a year and loses his job to usually an H@B workers (no offense) and worse, now he cant find anything in NY so is chasing jobs out of state which is taking a toll financially maintaining 2 homes plus he cant take the stress so has started depending on drinking and a lot!!
    there seems to be no hope. im working longer days and pretty much all the time when he is out of work since he is home and i just cant seem to find any silver lining. i am working hard trying to pay off my mortgage so in case if things deteriorate, we dont come on streets. my kids are in college so juggling that too but no matter how much i work, i cant match his payscale. how do i run this home on my paycheck as unemployment runs out in 6 months.
    any tips on this . would help
     
    Loading...

  2. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Reduce luxury items. Reduce your cost of living. Downgrade basically. Move to a smaller house. Buy only essential stuff. Your husband needs to reduce drinking as that is never going to help. Can your kids pick up part time jobs to pay for their expenses?
     
  3. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    thanks parvathi i have always lived frugally just dont know how more to do. we keep our kids sheltered and keep things normal so they dont feel wat we r dealing with
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.
  4. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    its easier to say yes i agree wat u r saying but for a person who has done all the right things all his life how do u explain! thanks for responding
     
    Zxcv and parvathi1980 like this.
  5. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    100
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Because of this kind of job uncertainty, one should always have a backup plan. Either a small business on the side...will work, in hard times. For example, a realtor job or a similar job as side business...but nothing is easy...need to work hard and smart. In IT jobs, it's very difficult to survive above 50 and reach retirement, unless you update your skills and work in the latest technology. Otherwise one has to compete with fresh college passed out kids. Despite Trump giving hard times to new H1B's, companies are willing to hire H1Bs only.
    It's not too late to start a part time job(business)...but it's too late to realize this problem now, after 14 years.
    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2018
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  6. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    329
    Likes Received:
    658
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    This is fairly simple - my parents made good and sound financial decisions, so growing up I was never in the want of things. Then, I started working and even though I had a great job that paid well - I could not afford the lifestyle my parents gave me. I wanted to be financially independent and so I made some choices. What was important, what was not/ could wait. Where I could skimp and save. It was not easy as I just didn’t know where to shop, which brands to buy. Internet came in handy - google if you need tips.

    Bottom line is - it is not about having done right things in the past and expecting good things to happen to you. You just have to buckle up and go with the flow. You can crib about it and say it’s not fair - what will change though. If your kids are in college/ in US- they are old enough to get a job and chip in. You do not want them to grow up financially immature,do you? Call them home and explain things - lay clear expectations and commitments from your side. What you can afford and how much and what they will need to supplement.

    PS: I am not married and am definitely not the target audience for your question. But wanted to pitch in nevertheless as I felt the pinch when I started working and moved away from home and wanted to give my two cents on this. Hope everything works out!
     
  7. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    428
    Likes Received:
    440
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Female
    Are you guys US citizens? Then could your husband try something in a different field since GC holders and citizens have that freedom. Generally it's difficult to survive in IT industry after 50 unless you are part of senior management or executive and this is how I have seen in most of the countries (even in India too these days). Tell him drinking is not going to solve the problem. Another option could be for him to find a job in a different city and you all to move there. But if he wants to be in IT, he will have to upgrade the skills regularly and with the fast pace in IT field to beat the freshers.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @ravioli1970 - I'm sorry about your situation. Are you also paying for the kids' college and other expenses over and above your mortgage and home expenses? Regardless of how frugal you are, it is very hard to pay a mortgage, fund two college educations, insurance etc. Even if you don't say anything to two college going kids, I would assume the kids can see the Dad unemployed and mom working hard. Shouldn't they pitch in a little? This is something that you can discuss with your children and have them fund parts of their expenses to help ease your financial burden if they aren't already doing so. They are old enough to understand and help themselves.

    Regarding your spouse, in IT, it is very hard to stay on top of changing technological landscapes unless we stay abreast with the latest and greatest technology, are irreplaceable in the workforce, and are constantly adapting to change. It gets harder as we age. I'm also certain that having a resume with as many job changes and breaks as you have mentioned makes it harder to get the next job. It is best he evaluates his skills and thinks about what he can do to stay current and relevant. He should technically use time in between jobs to upgrade his skill set and see where the gap is.

    Lastly, since your spouse isn't able to hold down a job, have you thought about going back to work full time in your financial services job? With the right kind of groundwork, you will be able to go back to your core competency. It probably is going to be really difficult after all these years but it's not impossible. If I were in your situation, I would try to make my career the priority to ensure the finances don't take a hit when he is out of work. Living in the US is expensive as we age. Insurance, healthcare, retirement etc are all expensive. You won't be able to depend on your kids to help you in your old age. You do need some retirement savings for yourself. You should find an employer who has some sort of retirement fund/plan etc while looking for full-time positions. I feel like giving your career some importance is going to help you most. You cannot control how your spouse manages his. You are under constant pressure and anxiety because he's the primary earner and is constantly out of work. If you have a steady full-time job and his income is auxiliary then your anxiety will reduce a lot.
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,147
    Likes Received:
    5,088
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    You are throwing away a great opportunity to teach your children valuable lessons of life.

    College age children should be fully aware of the financial difficulties of the family. Children in college ought to get student loans, with government guarantees. ....
    Assume that your hubby is not going to be employed in any steady jobs for the future. Then plan accordingly.
    I see that Laks09 has a detailed answer for you... so I'd stop right here.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2018
    Zxcv, Rihana, BhumiBabe and 1 other person like this.
  10. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,385
    Likes Received:
    542
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi OP
    I feel bad for you. I myself have lost jobs to H1B and to my agony, to whom i lost - one of them very close friend of mine and was my junior and ex-coworker hired by me in previous jobs and i knew where he stood and 90% fake. But its part of life and we chose this life :-( and I know this unstability in IT and US is what makes me cringe and wanting to go back but there is no rewind in life.
    So what you can do now is cut back and downsize. Sell this house and move to rental and smaller property. Since kids are in college, they most likely do not live with you and might be working on weekends. I do not know, i just heard many do.
    You do not over stress yourself. This time will pass.
    America is still land of oppurtunities and good thing is - we can do anything and noone will stop or make faces at us when we do for what we are not skilled or educated for.

    Couple of my older american collegues ..
    One lost job, with that, kid was going to college, he had to miss the year because loan won't approve, and issues with his DL and insurance/premium.
    Other one, lost job and at the same time his daughter got cancer and he was begging not to lay him off but he was axed, and now divorce because of stress and fights and now he is working got job ..
    so my point is people live in worse conditions here and somehow they come out. Life makes its way.
     
    GeetaKashyap and lavani like this.

Share This Page